tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41911862361622897802024-03-13T02:17:01.853-07:00theyallyoursMother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.comBlogger70125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-68905911806825384112017-10-26T22:22:00.003-07:002017-10-26T22:22:45.422-07:00ACL ... blessings!It's been a while. Too long! Lots has happened in our home over the past few months. <br />
<br />
We had a family friend, Joe, stay with us for about 3 months. That was seriously so fun. He's 18, so an older brother to the kids. He took this role nicely and actually helped to make the house even happier. The kids all loved him here and when he left, there were some heavy hearts. Mine included. He went back to VA to be with his peeps, but the time here was priceless. Love you Joe!!<br />
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4 weeks ago I had surgery to give me a new ACL (which I had torn playing bball a couple of years ago) and to fix my meniscus. <br />
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If any of you reading this has a jacked up knee and needs surgery to fix it ... DO IT! Here's why.<br />
20 years ago I did the same thing to my left knee playing soccer. I blew out my knee completely. Had what people call the "unhappy triade." It sucked. Surgery sucked. Physical therapy was forever. I had crutches for weeks, a brace for months, and I had chewed through half my bottle of pain killers before I was able to go to regular Tylenol.<br />
<br />
It was a nightmare.<br />
<br />
So when I found myself in the surgery center, cap and gown, ready to have another go at it (my other knee this time) I was ... floored. How'd I get myself back into this again??? And a bit frustrated knowing the road to recovery would be long and arduous. But I had to do it. I even felt compelled to get my knee fixed.<br />
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My last memory was walking with the nurse to the operating room, seeing the anesthesiologist and 2 nurses, and my "bed." It oddly felt like going to execution table. I laid in the bed, freezing. That room is an ice box. Last thing I heard a nurse say was, "we'll get you warm."<br />
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Then it was, "the surgery is over Erika."<br />
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I had some weird reaction I remember. I was rhythmically slamming my arms down beside myself, then fold them across my chest, then slam them down again. I can remember that. And I couldn't stop. <br />
<br />
They gave me Benadryhl. SOOO random! Benadryhl. Apparently it worked though.<br />
<br />
ANYWAYS!<br />
<br />
Long story short. It's 4 weeks today from my surgery. Guess what I did today? I went on a 6 mile bike ride and did a short pilates workout. And I can bend my knee so that my heel can ALMOST touch my bum and straighten my leg to where the back of my knee HITS the floor. Oh, and I only had 3 painkillers the entire time!<br />
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CRAZY!<br />
<br />
I'm walking not only without a brace, but almost without a limp!!<br />
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Night and day from 20 years ago!<br />
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Point I'm making is ... medical technology has improved by leaps and bounds over the past 20 years ago! When I went in for my post op, my doctor basically told me that if I were to resume my regular activities (running, bball, soccer, racquetball, etc) I would need a total knee replacement in about 20 years.<br />
<br />
Bring. It. ON! In 20 years it'll either be the 2nd Coming anyways or if not, a knee replacement will entail a dab of lavender essential oils or some quick sprinkling of glitter or something.<br />
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So. If you need an ACL repair and aren't really wanting to. Do it. You'll be sooo glad you did! Big girl is gonna be back to playing some big girl bball in a few months!!! I can't WAIT!<br />
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Lets see. What else besides the knee?<br />
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Kids are doing great. Gosh I love being a mom. Repeat, I love being a mom. I didn't say "I rock being a mom" nor did I say, "Being a mom is easy" or "I finally figured out my role as a mom" or anything along those lines. I just love my kids. They're all so different, all so funny. All so freaking head strong. I'm not here to mother them. They hardly listen to me. I'm just here tell them everything I know, make sure they know how to clean, remind them to brush their teeth, and hug them.<br />
<br />
I drop them off to school and they do their thing. And I simply pray that they ... make decisions that will make the world a better place for all those who meet them.<br />
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Gideon does this. Every single day. <br />
<br />
You know what I dislike? When people refer to Gideon as having problems, being handicapped, special needs. I'm not being overly sensitive. Heck, people can say "retarded" around me and it doesn't phase me in the least.<br />
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Because I literally see Gideon as nothing but great. Just like I see all my kids. They're great. ALL have imperfections, but all are great. Gideon has his greatness and his imperfections in different areas than the rest of the kids. But at the same times, my oldest has his greatness and imperfections in different areas than the rest of the kids.<br />
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Do you see the point I'm trying to make? <br />
<br />
Gideon may not kick a ball as hard as his brothers, but he can make a room erupt in laughter faster than anyone else. That's why I feel like Gideon most perfectly completes our family. It's like, every single gap is filled with him. He softens his siblings like no other. His siblings make him scream and race through the house like no other. If there's ANY yelling in the house, Gideon cries and everyone rushes over to comfort him. It turns into a laugh fest.<br />
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OK, I'm getting super tired. I'm working on a quilt now. I can't WAIT to see it done! It's going to a dear friend in VA. I can't wait for her to get it. It's gonna be the biggest quilt I've ever made. I love this lady so much. I can't wait!Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-23992043385934050262017-05-19T15:16:00.001-07:002017-05-19T15:18:40.009-07:00Lessons at the poolWe're a family of soccer, pool, church, fun, and arguments. Plain and simple. <br />
<br />
The other day I was chatting with a friend, Kris. We got to talking about Gideon. And I shared with her something I feel like I need to share here.<br />
<br />
The summer before Gideon was born was, to put it mildly, H.O.T. It was even too hot to go to the pool sometimes. But we'd go. Of course.<br />
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I remember one specific family that summer. It was a couple with a younger daughter, maybe 10? She had SOMETHING going on. Cerebral palsy? Autism? I don't know. But I can specifically remember always seeing them at the pool and always watching them. <br />
<br />
I weird mom watched that couple with the girl. They would carry her in the pool, letting her lie on her back and float and swirl her in the water. There was so much love and concern for their daughter. What hit me most was the thought, "that little girl has bonded her family stronger than most families." You could tell her parents were 100% invested in her, which made them invested in one another. What also hit me was, "that little girl was a very elite and valiant and special spirit, so her mission here on Earth is a protected albeit powerful one." And I was hit with the realization that her parents were, as well, strong and mighty spirits who came to Earth to help this elite spirit experience mortality, in her complicated body. <br />
<br />
Strength. It was strength that I saw most in this family. From the daughter, from the father, and ESPECIALLY her mother.<br />
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And I felt respect and admiration for this family. <br />
<br />
And as I rubbed my belly, knowing I was carrying a boy who was, as per his ultrasound, perfectly healthy, I thought, "That's great for them, but that's just not for me."<br />
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You see, I'm not cut out for that kind of a life. I was almost strangled by a guy with special needs when I was 7, so I grew up fearful of any and all folks that were "handicap." I never could have a normal and comfortable conversation with someone with special needs. Or with their parents even. They were all on a different level from me. I recognized they were on higher levels even. But quite frankly, a level I had zero interest in. Zero.<br />
<br />
When Gideon was diagnosed with Trisomy 21, my world stopped. It stopped spinning. But it only stopped because it needed start to spin in another direction.<br />
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I IMMEDIATELY recognized the powerful spirit that is Gideon and that resides in his perfect little body. I also IMMEDIATELY recognized the love and trust that both he and our Heavenly Father have in me, to take care of Gideon here on Earth. And what I recognized even sooner, and feel every single day, is the KNOWLEDGE that Gideon and I were very, very, VERY close in the pre-life. Every time I hold him, my spirit burns inside. My spirit recognizes Gideon. It's such a powerful feeling.<br />
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And I am warming up to the truth that, just like that mother who I watched from a quiet distance, I too am strength. I saw her strong spirit as she held her daughter in the pool. Her fiercely loyal spirit. The past almost 15 months, I am learning that I have a strength that I simply didn't recognize before. The strength to do what is right for Gideon. For all my children. The strength to question doctors and therapists. The strength to clearly recognize for my children, the Lord's hand in their lives. The strength to feel comfortable with other "severely elite spirits and their moms." And most importantly, the strength to change.<br />
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Gideon gets me. He understands people. He's interested in his siblings. He's loving and patient and happy and kind. <br />
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If we're going to label Gideon as being "handicap" or a child with "special needs", I would suggest we are ALL handicap or we ALL have special needs. My world spins in another direction as I recognize that I actually have more issues than my son! I'm prideful, I'm impatient, I don't do everything I say I'm going to do. I have a hard time forgiving. I can blow people off. And as I recognize this about myself and SEE this as a handicap, I'm humbled. I'm softer. And it makes me more accepting of others.<br />
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Oh my gosh how Gideon has opened up a new level of life. And new sphere that was always there but that I never, ever, EVER recognized before!<br />
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And then it hits me. I have now joined in the ranks of parents who, in my mind, years ago, were "at that level" that I wasn't cut out for. And I realize it's not about being "cut out for." It's all about being gifted the KEY to that level to open the door to experience life in a way that REALLY lets you experience life. <br />
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Having a child with Down Syndrome is a gift. From Heavenly Father.Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-3073164559036841262017-02-26T23:02:00.002-08:002017-02-26T23:10:30.040-08:00He's 1!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Normally when I blog, it's because I get totally ... "compelled" to write. Like, I HAVE to write or I'll go crazy. Tonight, it's not that. It's just because Gideon's 1. And it's a such a happy, content feeling. <br />
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So I really don't know what to write. It's just been a good day.<br />
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Last week I got to go to VA. VA is quite easily, my "home." When I was there I felt like I fit into the area just like a puzzle piece. So many times I was saying, "I can't believe I'm back here!" Being with my friends and coming into step with them, synched perfectly, like I had never left, was SO COMFORTING. There are, without a doubt, people you associated with, laughed with, BONDED with, in the pre-life and meeting back up with them is simply nothing short of a blessing and tender mercy from Heavenly Father. I'm lucky that I get to enjoy mortal friendships with people who I bonded with before this life. It's a blessing.<br />
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When I came back, I could tell that Gideon couldn't quite "place" me. He acted like, "I know I should know this lady, but HOW?!" We're back to our old ways though. His eyes on me the entire time I'm in the same room with him and if someone's holding him and I'm close by, he turns towards me, leans towards me, and lifts his arms ever so slightly. And I get him and we both get all happy and kissy ;)<br />
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There's something that came to mind the other day. Gideon has seriously dulled the "bad" that's in me. He's softened me. He's relaxed me. Simply put, Gideon has made me a better person and has made our family kinder. If every family had a member with down syndrome, that family would just be better. If every family in a society was made "better", think of what would happen to said society?<br />
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The thought came to me then, "the society who welcomed and cherished their members with down syndrome would be a better society. And would thus create a nation that was a super power."<br />
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Babies with Trisomy 21 need to stop being aborted. It's like eating the meat but tossing the marrow-rich bone. Eating the avocado but tossing the nutrient packed seed. Not many people get the value in bone marrow or in the avocado seed. But those who DO, those who know how to cook with marrow rich bones or know how to access the goodness found in the avocado seed, THEY'RE the ones who are healthier, better off. Education's the obvious key.<br />
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Which is why, again, I want the world to know Gideon. I want to educate doctors and nurses. They need to be able to give the news of "you're expecting a baby with Trisomy 21" with excitement and even reverenced awe. Expectant mothers and fathers need to know that they just won the golden ticket. They were just blessed to get a NEW normal which would open their eyes, minds, and hearts to so much understanding you simply couldn't get any other way.<br />
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I know I'll touch upon this topic again, but I'm exhausted. It's been a good day. Just wanted to say that what this all boils down to is this.<br />
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Gideon is a gift.<br />
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Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-71161452747123105282017-01-01T13:02:00.002-08:002017-01-01T13:09:11.074-08:0010 mos oldI don't know what it's going to be like to have a child with downs. I don't know what it's going to be like to have a teenager with downs. I don't know what it's going to be like to have an adult with downs.<br />
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But I do know what it's like to have a baby with downs.<br />
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Gideon thus far has been an absolute joy. He's love. He's smiles. He's relaxed. He's low stress. He's calm. He's self entertaining. <br />
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He comforts. He's "chill-lax." He's infectious. He communicates. <br />
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He's perfection.<br />
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When he's happy, like really happy, he's does this "booty-scooting" thing, minus the actual scoot. Just rocking. When he's meeting someone for the first time, he stares. They will not get a smile. He's just studying. If he's more shy, he'll put his head down and find the floor to be uber interesting. If he wants you to pick him up, he every so slightly raises his arms. He's learned that it's all he needs to do.<br />
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If he's WAY excited, he'll boot-scoot AND clap AND put his head down, then up again, then down and have this amazingly cute/funny/hilarious smile. If he's frustrated, he wipes his face with his tiny fingered hand. If he's tired, he whines. <br />
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If he sees me, it doesn't matter what he's doing, he won't take his eyes off me. My kids will at times tell me to NOT come around Gideon cuz he's laughing and playing with them and they know if he sees me, he'll simply, get distracted.<br />
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What a ginormous ego boost he is to me! ;)<br />
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I get so much done with Gideon because he's just happy to be playing at my side. He loves playing with my fabric scraps. He loves playing with paper and those envelopes with the plastic windows. That sound really gets him.<br />
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I was Facetime talking to my brother Samuel this AM and Samuel goes, "Let Gideon meet my puppy!"<br />
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Have you seen "Bedtime Stories" with Adam Sandler? That guinea pig and Samuel's puppy have twinner eyeballs. Gideon HAD been staring at Samuel but when eyeballs came into view, Gideon just looked away. He looked down, he buried his face in my arms. Samuel and I were laughing so hard. Gideon doesn't like large eyeballs apparently! ;)<br />
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He's who the kids ask for first thing in the AM, even on school days. "Is Gideon awake?" If he is, they get so excited and he responds with smiles.<br />
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A favorite activity is letting him "attack". They'll put their head in his face and he'll grab hair and try and "eat" their faces. Oh my gosh!! Kids will have scratch marks on their face from his nails where he's grabbing so hard to "eat" them, but they'll be laughing soooo hard. And there's Gideon, just looking around, happy with the reactions he's caused.<br />
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Needless to say, Gideon is fun. He's a literal piece of Heaven in my home. I look at him and seriously don't see "down syndrome" but rather, I look at him and think, "I can't believe I get you!" I say that all the time! <br />
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The kids are forever telling him and each other how "popular" Gideon will be when he's in high school. They're already talking about whether or not he'll play basketball or wrestle. He's definitely gonna play soccer. They want to see him run track.<br />
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I absolutely love and am so grateful for the immense BOND my kids have with this child.<br />
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YEARS ago I heard a father say, regarding his daughter who had ... something. It wasn't downs but she was non-verbal and walked around and just stared. I can't remember what it was, but anyways, he said, "The best way to raise your teens is with a sibling with special needs."<br />
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I remember believing him but wishing I hadn't heard him say that because I wanted nothing to do with having a child with any type of "special needs." More recently, when I was pregnant with child number 7, I was playing the piano for a Primary program. I was super super SUPER nervous, but had a calming experience. I literally felt, right beside me, the presence of 2 kids. A girl who simply brought me calm and comfort, and next to her was a small boy. He was smiling and I had this feeling that he was just ALWAYS happy. <br />
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I told Matt that I thought #7 wasn't going to be our last because I felt "a girl comfort me." I purposefully left out the 9th child. For 2 reasons. I couldn't believe we'd actually have NINE kids and his joy actually scared me because I thought, "would he have down syndrome?" Because down's kids are known for their constant happiness. I thought, "that's just my weird thinking cuz I can't stop having kids so we'll cross that bridge when we come to it." And, "I don't want any kids that aren't "perfectly healthy, across the board."<br />
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Yes, my honest thoughts.<br />
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Now that I've been REUNITED with Gideon, I realize REALLY how LUCKY. No, not lucky, but rather BLESSED BEYOND COMPARE that he's mine. And I'm his. <br />
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I can tell that Gideon was an elite before this life. He was one of Heavenly Father's most valiant, noble and wise. And we were close!!! I was bonded, before this life, with someone so valiant, noble and wise that he gets Heavenly Father's protection here on Earth. He can't be tempted by the devil. He's divinely protected. I walked with and had very personal relations with this type of spirit and we get to be together again here on Earth.<br />
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I'm so grateful for this knowledge and for knowing it's true. <br />
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Now what do I have my sights set on? I want to adopt a baby with down syndrome. Maybe even more than one. Because they are Heaven on Earth and I want to be an active and intimate part of that. <br />
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I want the world to know Gideon and I want the stigma around trisomy-21 to be a positive, exciting one. Because Gideon is pure positive. He's pure exciting. He's pure joy. He's pure love. He's pure.<br />
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Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-51962016979919779522016-08-31T23:54:00.001-07:002016-09-01T00:03:52.873-07:00The strength that comes with GideonOn August 4th we left our kids with my parents and took Gideon to Sacred Heart to get his pre-op testing done in preparation for his big horking open heart surgery on the 5th. They told us to plan for 5-10 days. I planned for 2 weeks. The day went smoothly. The hospital had some deal with the Madison Inn where we only had to pay $10 to stay in a pretty nice hotel that was just next door to the hospital. I basically took in every minute I had with Gideon. This is a picture I took of Gideon in the hotel that evening with a special shirt a friend of mine made for him sitting in front of an extremely special quilt.<br />
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After all his testing and blood drawing (miracle #1 for the day, his blood draw was a 1st time success!) we went back to the hotel. We crossed paths with an older couple who saw Gideon's O2 and feeding bag and asked, "Heart surgery?" Come to find out, their kid had surgery when he was a baby. He was now in his 30s. I sorta felt like that was Heavenly Father just giving me a little "things will be OK pat on the head" type thing.<br />
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We got up around 5AM to get him to the hospital. That was about 1% exciting and 99% horrifying for me. I'm so uber practical. I knew how big of a surgery he was going to get and the practical side of me just trumped the faithful side of me. <br />
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I had an interesting experience when his surgeon walked in. He came in just to say hi. He walked over to Gideon and patted Gideon's back and listened to his chest (every single time anyone with a white coat came in, they did that. Listened to his chest.) When he first patted Gideon's heart, I had the strongest feeling of a literal hand over my head, turning my eyes to stare at the surgeon's hands and then the softest yet firmest voice in my mind saying, "Pray for THOSE hands." So I did just that. I stared at his hands and said the most desperate silent prayer, "Heavenly Father, the hands that I'm staring at right now, please guide them through Gideon's surgery. Put Thy hands over those hands and guide them." <br />
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Then Dr Warrel left and then his anesthesiologist came with Molly, the nurse who would be with Gideon through the surgery. And they took him. <br />
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Matt took this picture. I had started crying already. Gideon was sleeping.<br />
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The surgery would be 6 hours. Matt and I sat in the waiting room for a lot of it. I wasn't hungry. We played some card games that a friend gave us and I started knitting. I thought, "I'll knit washcloths while we're at the hospital. See how many I end up with."<br />
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While in the waiting room I met a lady who married the kid brother of a guy that my TX friends all had crushes on (well, most of them anyways) back when I was around 14. Small world.<br />
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Then God sent me a tender mercy by sending in a mom with her 12 year old son who had down syndrome. He reminded me of what Gideon might be like when he's 12. He had brown hair, Gideon's ears, and a basketball player on his t-shirt. He was on a little lap top. He started giggling and hid his face behind the laptop, whispering stuff to his mom. She looked up and told me, "he thinks you're pretty." Then about 15 seconds later, he whispered something again, giggling. She then said, "now he wants to marry you. He's very fast with the ladies." He started giggling yet again, motioning for his mom to lean in for another set of instructions but this time she said, "you tell her yourself! I aint your wing man!"<br />
Of course it was hilarious, but of course it got me all emotional because I wanted that so badly to be Gideon and me. Gideon a ball player and me telling him I aint his wing man!<br />
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15 minutes post the 6 hour mark I started to panic. Yup, I did. Especially when the nurse came in and simply said, "things are great! Still working on him though." WHAT? This was when she was supposed to say they're closing him up.<br />
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It would be TWO HOURS later that we'd get that update. Gideon was on the bypass machine for a total of 8 hours when all was said and done. His nurse Ami later told me that when she was told she was getting a baby who was on bypass for 8 hours, she said "I was apprehensive." I found out later on that sometimes babies don't survive the surgery Gideon had. To be grateful actually that he had downs. The saying goes, "you can't kept a downs baby down" in the PICU.<br />
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Seeing Gideon for the first time was hard. They had to paralyze him and he had so many tubes coming out of him and wires going into him. But to be honest, as hard as it was, I wasn't emotional. I was relieved.<br />
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The next 2 days he was passing with flying colors. I wondered if we'd be out in 5 days, but I had a sense, a feeling, that I needed to just sit back and buckle up.<br />
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Long story short, Gideon started going down hill after the 3 days. We ended up at the hospital for a total of 24 days. And in those 24 days, I have to say, I had never before seen God's hand so clearly in my life.<br />
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When I was pregnant with Gideon, the adversary worked so hard on me. Harder than I had ever EVER experienced in my entire life. I had the craziest thoughts going through my head, the darkest feelings, the most desperate of days. And then Gideon was born. A spirit so elite in the pre-life that he didn't need to be tested like most of us do here on Earth. And my 24 days in the hospital were filled with so many tender mercies and experiences testifying to me that God exists and loves me, so many "coincidences" that were so incredibly coincidental that you had to believe "there are no such things as coincidences, the Author just chooses to remain anonymous." <br />
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A lady from my new ward called me. We had never met but she called because she knew what we were going through and sympathized. "I had a baby who needed heart surgery, we lived here but I had to stay up in Spokane with 3 kids at home. I know exactly what you're going through and my heart just breaks for you." Then she shared with me how, during a certain experience, she was reminded by an impression in her mind, "I have carried you through this."<br />
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That struck me so hard. <br />
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Because I am sincerely so weak. My trust in Heavenly Father and my faith are so weak. But the Lord doesn't fault me for it. Rather, He has so lovingly placed people in my life these past 6 months who have been His angels. His angels to carry me, to hold my head up, to help me put one foot in front of the other. He'll lead me to people who will say things that I need to hear, He'll give me experiences that prove, with out doubt, that He's aware of Gideon and my feelings.<br />
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Heavenly Father is so patiently strengthening me through Gideon. He has put women in my life who have passed through similar and even tougher trials than this one. The strength that I see in these women. In my eyes they stand shoulder to shoulder with those mothers in the Book of Mormon who taught their sons to have faith. These mothers sent their sons into battle. None were lost. The faith and power of these mothers brought about the miracle of "moving mountains." It's a blessing and a privilege to know modern day "mothers of stripling warriors."<br />
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I feel so loved by Heavenly Father. I know He's real. I know He answers prayers. I'm a standing witness, proof, that I don't have to have perfect faith in Him or perfect trust for Him to love me. I just need to work at it. I just need to have a desire. He's taken that desire of mine and worked mighty miracles in my life. And as time goes by, I know my faith and trust in Him can grow and grow and strengthen and strengthen. <br />
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And I feel so strongly that Gideon will be a big part of that growth and strengthening. I think that's a huge aspect of our eternal relationship. I think Gideon strengthened me in the pre existence. I think he held my hand and led me to greater things than what I could have done on my own. I sense his strength as I hold him. I sense that he's an "older spirit" than me. It's just my privilege that I get to be his earthly mom.<br />
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Gideon came home on August 29th. Healthy and well. The doctors are happy with how his heart looks. We're not out of the woods yet, we still have the possibility of another surgery down the road. In the mean time, I know I'll continue to strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father and those angels He's put in my path. And in the mean time, we'll enjoy Gideon. He is an elite spirit and an extremely loved baby.<br />
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P.S. I ended up making 12 washclothsMother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-32226781058866811892016-07-27T17:22:00.000-07:002016-07-27T17:22:35.523-07:005 mos as a mom with a child with downsyndromeLast month I was in the grocery store with G-man. Just the 2 of us. He was in his stroller, hooked up to his feeding and O2 tubes. I just had to grab a couple of things.<br />
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We were in line in front of a lady with 4 kids. They were all close in age and super well behaved. She still looked disheveled. I guess the totally "hands on" moms look worked. This is no job for the prissy!! ;)<br />
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She noticed G-man and asked me what was up. <br />
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It floors me that I am now the mom of a child who gets "the looks" from strangers. Floors me. F.L.O.O.R.S M.E. I totally see what it's like now to be on this side of the fence. And I can say, in all honestly, that I WANT people to ask me. Because I KNOW they see him. He has tubes. He looks a bit different. A bit gorgeously different, but different all the same. I want to tell the world about him, not have him be some curiosity fodder.<br />
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So she asked me. <br />
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And I told her. <br />
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All about his heart I told her. How he has a handful of things wrong but seeing doctors who will operate on him etc. Come to find out her oldest son also had open heart surgery. Come to find out, we share cardiologists!<br />
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And that's as far as the conversation went. Just his heart.<br />
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Nothing about his having downs.<br />
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I couldn't.<br />
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Because I knew if told her he had downs, I'd start crying. I knew that if she saw me crying, she'd think that I was sad that he had downs. I knew that she'd think that maybe I felt I was cheated. That life sucked to be a mom with a child with downs. That I was stuck with a burden for the rest of my life or his. <br />
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And quite frankly, I didn't have time to explain my tears.<br />
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I had time to explain my tears though to a teller at our bank. I've gotten to be good friends with her actually. I was at the bank a few days later and we got to talking. She knew all about G-man and I knew all about her youngest brother who is now 52. Both have that extra chromosome. I told her about my experience at the grocery store. And to her I explained my tears as they came pouring out, right at her desk.<br />
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"I couldn't tell her because I knew I'd cry. And I knew she'd think I was sad. But I'd have cried because having a child with downs is so special."<br />
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We both started crying actually. She shared with me the intense bond her own mom had with her baby brother. How they had such a special connection. How when she passed away, he KNEW even before anyone told him. How during her last days, only he could bring her out of her lucidness, how she would always ask for him and only him.<br />
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Having G-man as my son is the most special thing that has happened to me. It's a constant spiritual experience. It's an awareness that he did some pretty amazing things in the pre-life that granted him protection here on Earth. When I hold G-man, every fiber of my being tells me that he's older than I am, that he's more advanced than I am. I can already tell he's more patient. I can already tell that he's more accepting and loving of others than I am. I can already tell just as he took me by the hand in the pre-life and helped me do who knows what, he will continue to take me by the hand in this life and help me to do who knows what.<br />
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It's such a special privilege, blessing, to have him. Which explains why it's so hard for me to tell people about him, about the REAL him, because it's so special. It's almost sacred.<br />
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And this further explains my complete and absolute mental and emotional condition as we hit the 10 day countdown to his surgery. Be it known, I'll be a complete mess. I know how I'll handle it. I'll go into survival mode more than ever before. I won't visit friends, talk on the phone, nothing. Cuz it's how I deal. I'll escape to my quiet place in my mind as I try and distance myself from my reality. The reality that I could possibly lose G-man and not have him with me. I know this is a complete lack of faith. It is. It's also how I try and protect myself from what could be the greatest pain I'd ever feel. <br />
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I'm too afraid of thinking of hoping for a future with him because a future with Gideon, a heart healthy Gideon, would be like having an angel accompany me here on Earth. It would be just so awesome!<br />
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If you're reading this and if you've been given the news that you are pregnant with a baby with downs, please don't take this as bad news. If you've been given the "opportunity" to choose between keeping the baby or aborting, believe me when I say, you are carrying a literal angel and you will know this the minute you hold your baby.<br />
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Shame on our health care system to address these pregnancies as "oh, I'm sorry, but ..." Health care providers should hand golden tickets to moms carrying babies with Trisomy 21. These moms should be applauded, should even be admired. Because we get to raise angels. And we get to experience a bond with these special babies that no other knows. I have a close and special bond with all my kids. But with Gideon, it's different. It's beyond an "intense desire to protect." It's more like, ... he completes me like no other. We are each others. I am his and he is mine. It's like the most intense love story ever. <br />
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He lets me soothe him like no other. He cries and when I hold him, his calming down is practically immediate. When I'm angry, all it takes is a few seconds with him, holding him, and my anger ebbs. A tiny smile elicits a belly laugh from me. Gideon and I have a connection. It's a heavenly connection. <br />
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Moms who have kids with downs will understand this connection. Don't abort. You will lose out on so much.<br />
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It's only been 5 months and I've learned this much about Gideon. I pray and pray and pray that I get to keep him for so much longer. <br />
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He's my buddy.<br />
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Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-3433291326537425942016-07-09T23:06:00.001-07:002016-07-09T23:16:25.291-07:001st miracleWe have 3 huge massive issues on our plate. <br />
#1 ~ Gideon. He's not an issue per say, he's actually quite perfect. It's his heart. I've written plenty about that and will write more I'm sure.<br />
#2 ~ Selling our house in VA. This is a huge financial issue. Because as long as we have it, every month we're paying mortgage on it along with our rent here. We've had 2 contracts so far on our place. And we've been totally screwed by the inspector these would be owners have hired. I'm not going to go into detail here, but he truly has screwed us.<br />
#3 ~ Have you ever tried to find a place to rent here? If you have more than 2 kids, it's next to impossible. If you have 9. Well, all of a sudden a snowball's chance in hell looks pretty good.<br />
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This post is regarding point #3. <br />
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Not only did we hate where we lived, (well, hate is a strong word. The house was great, but really, only if you had max 2 kids) but our landlord was ready to have us out. We were probably there "against code" as the house really was too small for 11 people. She let us know that she had already found tenants and we needed to be out by the end of June.<br />
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And we were in May.<br />
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And between Matt and me, we had literally turned over every stone, wood chip, leaf, and twig looking for a place to rent.<br />
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Nothing. Literally, nothing.<br />
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Because who wants to rent to a family of 11. And we were running out of time.<br />
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It was over the course of about 3 days that I kept having this "feeling" to post on FB that we needed a place to rent. I seriously ignored it because we don't know a ton of people here, so not a bunch of people on my FB from here. On around the 3rd day, I specifically remember walking down our tiny hallway towards the living room and that same feeling came, "post it on FB." I headed straight for the computer and updated my status.<br />
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About 5 minutes later I got a private message from a friend of mine who I met thanks to sports. See how great sports are?! Sports never fail!! ;) Her son played football with mine and her daughter plays soccer with my daughter.<br />
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She messaged that they were buying a home and moving out of their rental and that the house would be perfect for our family. <br />
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Long story short, we moved into our new rental June 18th!!!!! <br />
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Besides the fact that the kids love it and the "lemming syndrome" has vanished, this house is proof that there is a God, His "thoughts are not my thoughts, nor His ways my ways." His timing may not be my timing, but when it comes down to it, moving here is a testimony to me that His thoughts, ways and timing are WAY better than my own.<br />
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Come to find out, this home was basically the home that God had in mind for us all along. When I wanted to find a larger place to stay a year ago, this house wasn't ready. So we had to stay put. And wait. It was basically ready for us at the moment that we really needed it.<br />
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The location allows for the kids to access the bike path quickly and safely. There's over an acre of land the kids can play on. The house is far from roads. It's in a very quite spot. <br />
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Enter Gideon.<br />
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There's a separate living area downstairs that allows for guests. ie Grandparents who need to stay for long periods of time to help because of Gideon. The house is designed in such a way that if anyone is sick, it's quite easy to stay on opposite sides of the house to better protect Gideon from getting sick. It's so important that Gideon not get overheated. This house is one of the few in this town that has central air.<br />
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I don't think there were many homes in this town that could have been more perfect for Gideon than this one.<br />
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I find it so very interesting the Lord's hand in our rental stress. He knew we'd have Gideon, so He had us wait. Then He whispered into my ears for 3 days, telling me to put it on FB. And my friend just so happened to be on FB to read my post. Even though I was literally going out of my mind, even having emotional crying spells because of the stress of being in such a tiny house, Heavenly Father made me wait because He knew what we would REALLY need.<br />
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And it ended up being more perfect that I could have even imagined. Heck, there's even a cherry tree here! He knows that's one of my all time favorite things to eat!! And it's not fattening! Quite the contrary! ;)<br />
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I think He's trying to teach me that it's OK to trust Him. More specifically, to trust Him with Gideon. That has been my biggest thing these past 5 months. I need to be able to trust Him with my Gideon. With HIS Gideon.<br />
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I was thinking the other day, if our other 2 stressers, Gideon and the VA house, get taken care of as well as Heavenly Father took care of the rent situation, then everything will be better than OK. Everything will be perfect. More perfect than I can even imagine.<br />
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I need to trust Him better. He's ever so patiently showing me that I can and should.Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-85205290093694914732016-06-11T00:32:00.001-07:002016-06-11T00:37:22.637-07:001st real lookLast Wednesday the docs had their first real look at Gideon's heart. We drove up Tues evening cuz they needed to see him Wed at 6AM. The hospital put us up in a motel for free. That was cool. And it was a pretty nice hotel. Couldn't totally enjoy it. A: Because of the reason we were there and B: We got there like 11PM.<br />
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The next morning we brought my sweet angel in and handed him over to the crazy Asian lady nurse who I swear weighed less than Gideon. She was definitely a loose cannon but I still liked her. I like people who embrace who they are! And she embraced!<br />
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It was supposed to be a 2-4 hour procedure. A heart cath. An angiogram. SIX hours later the doctor comes out and says, "the longest and hardest part of the procedure was getting his IV in. So we had to put the line in his neck." Then left. I was like, "uhhh, hmmm. I just want to know if I'll get to be his mom here on Earth or not." Half an hour later, crazy Asian comes out and even though she must've been 60 (OK, she looked 60, so that'd put her at about 100 years old) she FLEW down the hall. You couldn't keep up with her if you sprinted. And it wasn't even an emergency. She was just some dynamite speed walker. She kept turning her face at us and saying, "Come! Come see your baby!"<br />
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Poor Gideon. He was all banged up. His cry was so weak and pathetic cuz of the that tube thing and he hadn't eaten for SO LONG. I just held him. Ohhh how I love holding him. So much of him to hold! I love it! And he's so incredibly sweet!<br />
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After about an hour in the post op room, his doctor finally came. It's such a trial of your patience there. It's like when you're eating out and you can't wait for your food to get to you. That's like the cardiologist. Any hint that the doctor could be the person opening up the door, your heart just skips a beat, hoping it's him. Most of the time it's not. It's a random parent or nurse. And you get so disappointed. But then when you see him, at least for me, the adrenaline picks up. I was willing him to come to me. Like when the kitchen door opens and the guy comes out with the round tray of food. You're just willing that food to be yours. If they go right by, the disappointment is huge. When they stop right in front of you, well, you know the feeling.<br />
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Dr G. walked over, sat down in front of us and said, "OK, ... first let me show you what I saw ..."<br />
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I'm not kidding, my heart plummeted. My insides turned to ice. He started fiddling with the computer, looking over his notes. Finally I said, "IS IT GOOD NEWS OR BAD NEWS?!?!"<br />
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And just like that, Dr. G. said, "it's good news."<br />
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So here's what they found. The coarctation of his aorta valve is actually more narrow than they had thought. They thought the narrowing was bigger, but no. Smaller. <br />
The PDA was still opened. For normal babies, it shuts. Not Gids. But they THOUGHT it was super small. Nope. It was much bigger than they thought. <br />
The GREAT news however was that his right ventricle, which is smaller than the left, isn't THAT MUCH SMALLER. That was awesome news!!!! That meant they CAN FIX HIS HEART!! <br />
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Because of the other things however, they have to fix his heart in stages. He wants to schedule a surgery to fix the narrowing and the PDA sooner and then a month or so down the road, the AV canal.<br />
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I still can't believe I'm a parent of a child referred to as "critical cardiac failure" and pulmonary hypertension. Though regarding the latter. Doc is hoping that the lung issues are a direct result of his heart and that once the heart is fixed, the hypertension will resolve.<br />
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It was around 4 when we finished talking with him and ready to go at 5. But of course Gids developed a clot in his leg, so we got admitted. And they found out he had 2 types of viruses, so they put us in quarantine. Which ended up being fine because we got another free hotel stay and Gideon was in a room all by himself.<br />
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I use the word "fine" very loosely. Walking the halls of the hospital, the thought, "I can't believe this is my life" comes and goes non stop. I really can't. I can't believe that we've been there for so long and so many times that nurses REMEMBER him. I'm used to active, healthy kids. When it comes to hospitals, it's only the labor and delivery wing I utilize and only for 1, maybe 2 days. Not the NICU, not the PICU. I'm used to midwives, not cardiologist. Normally, if I'm ever at hospitals, it's me walking past rooms, taking quick glances at the people sleeping in their beds. Now it's the other way. I sit there, holding my baby, looking out from my room, seeing people walk past, as if I'm a zoo animal or something. I know what they're thinking. "Poor poor lady. Poor poor baby she's holding" I know that because I thought that.<br />
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Gideon handles things so much better than I do. He loves staring at his nurses. It's almost as if he's flirting. He just stares and wiggles around, blasting out poops as if that's the way to make the ladies swoon. He hates having his blood pressure checked but LOVES it when his nurses hold him. He also loves it when they dip his binkie in what they call "sweeties." It's basically syrup.<br />
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He's a strong kid. That's the constant feedback we get. How strong he is, "especially for a baby with downs AND heart failure." They're amazed at how well he engages others. He loves people. <br />
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But he loves me most. Nothing can comfort him like I can. He can be so upset and all I have to do is hold him and talk to him and immediately, he settles down. My heart just soars every time this happens. I love that he loves me. That he needs me.<br />
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Because the feeling is so incredibly mutual. Ohhhh how I love him and need him. Heavenly Father gave me the biggest compliment when He gave me to Gideon. Not because He "trusts" me with Gideon. But because Gideon is such a strong, valiant, mighty and loving son to his Heavenly Father. And I get him?!<br />
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Already I have had some very important relationships strengthened because of him. Already I have become a softened person because of him. Already I have become a more dedicated wife and mother because of him. Gideon is my buddy. <br />
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And his cardiologist said he can fix him!<br />
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<br />Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-81991485023980187462016-05-31T17:40:00.001-07:002016-05-31T17:40:44.754-07:00Latest quiltsMatt said I needed an intervention. That I'm going a bit "quilt cray-cray." <br />
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And he's RIGHT! I can't stop!! I even go to bed just imagining what my next quilt will be, what colors I want to use, how big. Will be back be flannel, minky or cotton? I've made 5 quilts in the past 2 weeks and I have 4 in my "que."<br />
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I'll post 2. I already found homes for the others, but these 2 are still here with me. One is for Gids and the other still needs it's "matching quilt" before I can send it.<br />
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See the Loft label? It's cuz I totally screwed up that part and had to cover it. That's how I covered it. Now I want to put a label on every single one of my quilts! ;) Makes 'em look legit!<br />
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Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-53478923765924536782016-05-28T22:43:00.001-07:002016-05-28T22:43:07.940-07:00May 28thI just figured out how to post pictures. OK, so I knew at one time, but I remember posting them one day and it wasn't working so at that exact moment, I put it in my head that the blogging site had changed up how you could post pictures and I didn't want to spend the time figuring it out. <br />
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So I stopped posting pics.<br />
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Then today I tried it out again and viola, it worked! So now I can post the week's goings on AND pictures!!<br />
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And of course, pictures all have Gideon. That's just the way it goes!<br />
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Tonight Angela was holding him and she started messing with his cheeks, squeezing them.<br />
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The kids, well, the younger ones, started laughing so hard. His face was just sooo funny! And he just stared at the reaction he got, staring at all this siblings, wondering why they were laughing so hard.<br />
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Life tonight was good. <br />
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Oh, I'm having some serious quilt issues. I can't stop quilting or thinking about the next quilt I'm gonna make or wanna make. <br />
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I made this one not too long ago. I wish I could make the small pics right next to each other. Kind of annoying. Anyways. Well, tonight I just wanted to post a couple of pictures. I need to stop posting on FB so much cuz I'm so, I guess narcissistic or something cuz I always check my FB after I've posted something to see who likes it or to see if there are any comments. That's terrible! OK, I'm tired. <br />
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Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-8959825826578840152016-05-27T13:06:00.001-07:002016-05-27T13:06:05.882-07:00TestJust checking to see if I can post pictures here.<br />
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Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-75539081789498078862016-05-25T22:43:00.000-07:002016-05-25T22:43:02.801-07:003 months ago todayGideon will be 3 months old in just under 6 hours. I hope I can release my mind, thoughts and feelings sufficiently to make sense of this post tonight.<br />
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It still blows me away that I have a son who has down syndrome. <br />
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And it's not in a bad way. I'm excited to have him. I told my sister the other day that if I were told, "you can fix everything and anything about your Gideon" I would say, "just fix his heart and his lungs. But I want everything else to stay the same."<br />
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I'm not saying that because I'm in denial about what having a child with ds means. I'm not saying that to be "noble." I'm not saying it out of perpetual naivety. I'm not saying it because it's the politically correct (have I ever mentioned how much I HATE pc??) parental attitude.<br />
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I'm saying that because when I hold Gideon, and I hold him a LOT, it's honestly a euphoric experience. Holding him, even though I don't get to nurse him like the others, I feel the absolute strongest bond with him. It's as if my spirit self is reaching through my chest and embracing him. It's as if we have been reunited after 42 years of separation. I love all my children fiercely, I have a strong bond with all of my kids. I have a close relations with them today. Gideon is different. We have something very different. He was born, protected from temptation. His mission is different than mine. My purpose here on Earth is to prove myself, to be obedient to the Lord's commandments if I want to live with Heavenly Father again. Gideon did something, did many somethings, before he was born, to earn him the privilege of the Lord's protection.<br />
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So of course I wouldn't want to "fix" his downs. He's by far the easiest baby I've had! He stares at me so fixedly. When he smiles, I seriously get butterflies in my stomach. When he coos, he has me feeling almost desperate to exchange "coo" conversation. He loves it when I sing. I could kill a bird with my voice, but I sing anyways because it seems to engage him the best. I love how he holds my finger, and his siblings' fingers, with such strength. He holds on so tightly his fingertips get white. And he doesn't let go!<br />
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I texted my "other half" Missy today, telling her about my feelings regarding Gideon and his upcoming heart stuff. I have literally lost my appetite because of his heart. I hate seeing his cardiologist, mainly because they refer to Gideon as "critical heart failure" and have said on countless occasions, "He has complex issues" or "there's a lot going on in that heart." In the darkest corners of my mind, I think, "what if they can't fix him?" Tears are welling up even as I write this. The doctors are a bit on edge regarding what course of action to take, so they watch him. The want to see how his heart grows. I agree with how they're going about it because I recognize that it's up to his heart and right now, out of their hands. And I feel so incredibly helpless. I walk around at the very least subconsciously terrified about his heart surgery. I told Missy that it feels like I have a cactus wrapped around my stomach.<br />
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She wrote back, comforting me so much. The words she shared made me think, "no wonder we had to move to VA. I was supposed to meet her and other close friends out there to help get me through this time." I was reminded, while I read her text, that we really were friends in the pre-existence. I was reminded that we really did live and create friendships and bonds with others and that we really did pick up where we left off when we reunited here on Earth.<br />
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And this assured me that my feelings regarding Gideon and OUR bond are REAL and that we really did have a special relationship before this Earth life. And that Gideon really WAS such a valiant, strong warrior before his Earth life that he was blessed with ds as a promise from our Heavenly Father that he would be protected while on this Earth.<br />
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And even though I feel and know all of this, I still fear. Oh how I want this boy so badly here on Earth. I want to walk hand in hand with him, like I know we did in the pre Earth life, helping others see how wonderful and special children who have downs are. I want to hope that one of his purposes here on Earth is to let others see that unborn babies with trisomy 21 shouldn't be aborted but rather their births anticipated with such excitement and awe. I want him to bless our family in the ways that only he can bless us. The hope and excitement I have for Gideon coupled with the overwhelming fear and helplessness regarding his heart just about tear me apart. So I find that I have to keep BOTH of those feelings at bay. Both. <br />
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My sister said it best. "It's like you're holding your breath until his surgery." She's right. And when you're holding your breath, nothing else matters to you but being able to breath again.<br />
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Finding a rental to fit our family.<br />
Selling our house in VA.<br />
What people think of me.<br />
Anger.<br />
Pride.<br />
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The list can go on, but what I'm trying to say is these past 3 months with Gideon, I have changed. I'm so lucky to have him. My family is so lucky to have him. And I want the world to know him. Because he's just so great!<br />
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P.S. We actually DID find a home to rent!!!! Facebook has it's perks! I had posted that we really needed to find something and about 5 mins later I got a private message from a friend of mine who's daughter plays soccer with my daughter and viola! She's moving into a new place and we're renting her place!! Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-22751966910141965602016-04-22T23:15:00.005-07:002016-04-22T23:17:14.034-07:00300I loved the name Soren the first time I heard it. It was an Elder I taught at the MTC. I wanted that name for one of my boys so badly! I loved the name William because, well, all cute boys are named William and it's a family name on both my side and Matt's. And Gideon was in the mix because of the Gideon in the Book of Mormon. I mean, I absolutely love Captain Moroni. I plan to search him out first thing when I pass over to the next life. It'll be a long line though for him. Lots of people love him. But I also love Gideon, just as much. He was more of the "silent" hero in my opinion and I LOVE the silent heroes. Gideon was so full of wisdom and insight and so fiercely loyal and brave. I can't wait to meet him.<br />
<br />
We knew we'd know which one we'd give to our baby once we met him. As soon as he was out, Matt knew and I agreed about 10 minutes later.<br />
<br />
When we found out about all of his stuff, we realized we had named him perfectly. And when I studied up on the Gideon of the Old Testament, I got goose bumps as I realized, he was named way too perfectly.<br />
<br />
Which brings me to the purpose of this post. When it rains, it pours. Gideon was born end of Feb and we spent a month in the nicu. We brought him home March 24th. We're currently living in very small quarters. We want so badly to find a house that better fits our family. Not looking for any mansions, just something ... not so tiny. Our lease here ends in May. And we listed our house in VA last week with the hopes that if we sell it, we can buy a home here. Yes, buy. People don't believe in renting to a family with 9 kids. And the kids are getting quite cranky. <br />
<br />
So basically, looking for a miracle. Can we sell our VA home in time to buy a house that we can move in to by the end of May? And in the meantime, can I keep it together mentally and emotionally as I watch Gideon deal with his heart condition? <br />
<br />
Then I'm reminded of the story of Gideon in the Old Testament. Israel was in bondage to the Midianites and the Lord tells Gideon that through him, He would free Israel. Gideon gathers some 32,000 men to fight the Midianites and the Lord tells him, "too many. Let the chicken ones go home" (more or less, in my own words). He was then left with 10,000. Still too many. So the Lord has Gideon take them to the river and according to the style of drinking from the river, sends all but 300 home.<br />
<br />
300. <br />
<br />
300 to fight the Midianites. Not to just fight, but to free Israel from.<br />
<br />
In my opinion, an impossible situation.<br />
<br />
But we learn that the reason is so the Israelites could see and gain or strengthen their testimonies in the power of the Lord's hand. He wanted the army small so He could make miracles happen.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I feel like the Lord does this on individual levels. He has us "reduced to 300" so He can make miracles happen. That's the only answer I can come up with. I have found myself in the most impossible of situations so many times where truly, only by the hand of God could I get out and as I look back on my situations and reflect on them ... it's really the "Footprints in the Sand" type stuff.<br />
<br />
I was reduced to "300" that month in the nicu and I tell you, the Lord showed His hand so many times. I'm reduced right now to "300" as I feel completely backed into a housing corner. I'm reduced to "300" with my new role as a mother to a baby with heart and lung issues that scare me to death. <br />
<br />
I can only imagine how Gideon must have felt with his 300. I can only imagine how those soldiers must have felt. I'm sure there was some fear, some uncertainty, but even so, they moved forward. It's all I can do right now. I have no idea what's going to happen with our housing situation. I have no idea how Gideon will do over the next few weeks and into his surgery.<br />
<br />
I do know how the story in Judges ends. It's miraculous, it's genius, it's even sorta comical (I think anyways.) It's proof that the Lord really is in the details of our lives. And I can trust Him.Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-73691644314905900332016-04-12T22:39:00.001-07:002016-04-12T22:43:41.685-07:00Gideon these past few weeksMost of my posts recently have all been "Gideon-charged." And sorta "heavy" if that makes sense. I don't want that to be the norm though of my writing here. I do want to write a little bit of the family and our goings on and such. With Gids in the mix, however, our goings on have been ... different.<br />
<br />
Kids are doing great with practically everything. They've all settled in with him, all very concerned about him. Tonight Colby asked me, "when he has his heart surgery, will he get 100% oxygen like normal?" The kids ask off and on, "will he be high functioning or not?" There's an unspoken competition to see who Gids smiles at first. He hasn't smiled yet. Well, not on purpose anyways. Everyone tries to get him to smile at them so they can be "the winner." I'm sorta in the competition too. He better smile at me first! After everything I went through to get him here!?! LOL!<br />
<br />
Soccer has started up. The 4 older ones are on travel teams and the little ones are still in rec. I almost didn't sign the younger ones up. Too much going on. But they were begging and of course I broke. Good thing I love soccer. If this was for theatre or something of the sort, ugh, that'd be so hard! What makes it all difficult for me is, I have to depend 100% on others to get my kids to and from practices and most games. G-man can't leave the house and I won't leave him with my inlaws, so I have to rely on others to cart my kids around. Talk about walk of shame! I was told that Filipinos are a pride-pull fee-full! It might be true. I've got some weird pride in my blood, and having to get help from others really takes it out of me. But I have no choice. And so I just walk around feeling super grateful, super indebt, and super remembering how this is and how I will carpool anyone who needs it in the future. <br />
<br />
Gideon's doing great. He's very dependent on his oxygen, feeding tube and meds, but he's thriving. He's gaining weight and is actually a really good sleeper (thanks to the cardiac stuff I've learned.) He LOVES making and keeping eye contact with people who are engaging him. He's so inquisitive. I forget so many times that he's only 6 weeks old. He's starting to hold his head up when I lay him on my chest. It's so cute. He'll be on my chest then bring his head up and that canula is up on his forhead. He's so precious.<br />
<br />
Today Angela said, "he doesn't even look like he has down syndrome." Honestly, I wasn't sure how to take that. He has moments when he really doesn't look downs at all, but then moments when he looks super downs. And it's those moments that I just LOVE! I love that I get to be the mom of a baby with ds. He's such a special, strong, valiant, precious guy and I kinda want the world to see how great my kid is even with the ds. I don't want people to see ds as a "negative" thing but rather a GREAT and noble thing. I don't know if this makes any sense. <br />
<br />
While in the hospital I was reading this book filled with stories of families learning that their baby has trisomy 21 and although every story was heartwarming and motivating, I noticed that every single time they were told their baby had trisomy 21, either pre or post delivery, the news was always given in an apologetic way, sometimes even followed with "you can terminate this pregnancy..." I think this needs to stop. I think caregivers need to give this news in just the same excited way as they give the "you're having twins!" news or what not. <br />
<br />
Gideon acts just like all my babies have acted. His arms and legs kick and swim, when he's mad those arms do that cute "chorister type" wave. When he looks around the room, you can just see him taking it all in. He loves his binkies. He hates his diaper dirty. He loves so much to be held. You hold him and he'll fall right asleep. When I put him up to my chest, he just curls right in. He's just like all my other babies. Except that dang heart of his. Ughhh, drives me crazy!<br />
<br />
Anyways, we're doing pretty well. When it rains, it pours though. Our lease is up end of May and we can't sign on for another year. We just can't. House is just too small. But no one wants to rent to a family with 9 kids. Believe me, we're trying. We're being forced almost to have to buy a house. But to buy, we need to sell our VA house which we just put on the market 2 days ago. So it's like we're being forced into a corner and there's no way out. We told the kids last night that we utterly need a miracle. Of course right after that they start fighting over who's wearing who's shoes and "she's wearing my shirt and didn't even ask!" I was like, "guys, we need a miracle. Acting like this is gonna get us a curse!" My kids might make all As and Bs in school, but I don't think there are many lights on in the common sense department.<br />
<br />
OK, it's late. I need to give my baby his heart medicine. Crazy. I have a child who needs heart meds. Blows my mind. Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-36559822101661659712016-04-10T18:28:00.002-07:002016-04-10T22:23:32.818-07:00There are no coincidencesSuffice it to say, Gideon's birth and the weeks that closely followed marked the worst time of my life. When you truly, and in the deepest and most tender parts of your heart, believe you are going to lose your child, this journey you call life takes one of the most sudden, jolting turns. For me, it was as if I took a wrong turn and found myself falling off a cliff I had no idea I was even close to.<br />
<br />
The first week was spent with Matt and me together, staying at the hospital. Some Ronald McDonald room about 4 floors up from the nicu. The following week Matt had to go back to work and I was moved to the Ronald McDonald house, about 2 miles from the hospital. The first night as I sat in my room alone, after having been with Gideon that day, I let all of my emotions and tears run. And it was at that moment that I realized something about myself. <br />
<br />
I have absolute faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I know They both live, that They love me and that They hear and answer prayers. But that night, while I was pouring my heart out to my Heavenly Father, I realized something. It was very clear to me that I did not TRUST Heavenly Father or my Savior. It's so easy to talk about faith and trust when you're on your mission, or when you're teaching Sunday School or when you're teaching missionaries at the MTC. It's so easy to talk about faith and trust when you're teaching your kids. It's even easy to HAVE faith and trust when your moving from VA to ID. Everything changes when the life of your child is in the mix.<br />
<br />
My prayers were so full of fear and doubt. I KNEW Heavenly Father could heal Gideon, but I was afraid to put Gideon in His hands. Because what if by doing so, He would take him from me? That was my fear. I needed the faith necessary to move mountains, but I was too afraid to trust. What kind of mother was I??<br />
<br />
The story of Helaman and his 2 thousand stripling warriors came to mind many times. Those mothers had the faith and TRUST in the Lord to send their young sons to fight men, well versed in battle. Had I lived back then, could I have done that? Or would I be that one mom who would have taken Colby and Dallin and hidden them because I was too afraid? This story in the Book of Mormon is one of the absolute most powerful stories because as we know, not a single one of those young sons died. Oh the power of faith! And you KNOW that as they fought, angels were fighting next to them. And that's what Gideon needed!<br />
<br />
I felt so conflicted, so my prayers, every night at the Ronald McDonald house, were, "please help me to trust You." I had a desire to trust, to be totally faithful, because Gideon needed the power that comes with faith. I simply needed to let go of my fear.<br />
<br />
Heavenly Father has been so loving, patient and kind to me. He has sent more tender mercies to me in these past 6 plus weeks that I have had my entire life. He's trying to help me strengthen my faith in Him.<br />
<br />
The other day I wondered if Gideon would be able to play sports. His heart just has so much going on, I wondered if he'd even be able to play like his older siblings. It was just a thought. The NEXT MORNING I get an email from my sweet Ashley, telling me about her experience working as a swim instructor for downs teens and adults. She said, "get so excited about the world of sports for kids with down syndrome! I don't know why exactly, but I knew I needed to stay up tonight and write this to you." Tears filled my eyes as I read her email.<br />
<br />
Paula sends me a letter with a scripture reference, 2Nephi, 22:2. It was as if the Lord was literally comforting me through her. I felt like it was OK to fear and even more OK to let go of that fear and to trust. The Lord validated my feelings via that scripture and basically let me know it really was OK to trust Him.<br />
<br />
I'll randomly think of who Gideon was before he came to Earth and just like that I'll get a text from my sister Heather or Missy or Laura and they'll say something about the strong and valiant person Gideon was before he came to me.<br />
<br />
Mildred told me, "You kept feeling like you weren't done until Gideon was born. You were waiting for him. Good for you."<br />
<br />
I meet Patty on FB, move to ID where she lives, we recognize each other as bosom buddies, and low and behold, her sister has a son who has gone through what Gideon is going through.<br />
<br />
Last Sunday, during Elder Holland's talk, the Lord spoke directly to me when Elder Holland said to not be discouraged if you fail or are not strong enough. Simply having a DESIRE is all you need. That talk was for me.<br />
<br />
And then today, like the icing on the cake, our stake president introduces his talk as, "There are no coincidences. The Author just chooses to remain anonymous." He spoke of how the Lord intervenes in our lives. He softens hearts, strengthens us, and sends help.<br />
<br />
The Lord sent help to me. Has been sending help. He knows me. He knows my struggles, my fears, and my desires. And He's not mad at me for not trusting Him. Instead, He's helping me to learn to trust Him.<br />
<br />
Honestly, it's still a work in progress. Gideon is home. He's growing. He's gaining weight. All of his doctors are happy with his progress. My trust is growing. His surgery is in June/July. I can't even describe the feelings of excitement and fear that flow side by side in my heart. I'm trying to chip away at my fear and build my trust. I pray that He'll continue to lift me. That He'll continue sending me His tender mercies. I feel that He will. I trust that He will.<br />
<br />Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-43624847717704664662016-03-25T23:46:00.001-07:002016-03-25T23:46:46.262-07:00Gideon's big dayWhen you've birthed 8 kiddos and have had pretty much the same "experience", you get pretty confident in your abilities and know exactly how your 9th experience will be.<br />
<br />
I always go late, never on time. Epidurals don't work for me (tried it with #1 and 2), I labor FOR-EVER, we're talking average 20 hrs, I need Pitocin when I get to an 8 to get me to a 9, I never get to a 10, but push anyways and the baby is out after about 2 pushes. As soon as the baby's out I have some totally euphoric experience, cheering to everyone that "I'm SOOO happy!" and pretty much cartwheel out of the bed, going home the next day because nurses get all made at me when they bring me my babies and I fall asleep with them in bed. <br />
<br />
I was a little nervous though with Gideon because I had a doctor and I just prefer midwives. Not an option for me here however (they only do home births and I'm not about that at all) so whenever I met with my doctor and she'd mention, "You're old ... we can't let you go too long ... you're old ... you're old ... " I got a little apprehensive. In my opinion, doctors equaled C-section and since C-sections involve epidurals and since epidurals don't work for me, I seriously wondered if I was gonna die this time around.<br />
<br />
My last check up with my doctor found me dilated to a "tight 1" (or was she lying? Was I really more like a 3 and she just wanted to C-section the baby out?) and a scheduled induction date for the next Wednesday. I about had a heart attack. I wasn't contracting or even Braxton hicking anymore and if I was going to be induced, I just saw it ending in a total train wreck.<br />
<br />
I asked Matt for a blessing Tuesday night. It was apparent to me that I wasn't going to go into labor on my own and seriously, I started thinking of all the "single friends" I have who could take my place, mothering my kids. Not even kidding.<br />
<br />
The one thing he in the blessing he said that hit me, that I remember and will never forget, was, "The Lord is aware of you. He will take care of you, not in the way you expect, but He will take care of you."<br />
<br />
I was mad. After the blessing I was like, "What kind of blessing was that?! I didn't want to hear THAT! What did you mean by that?!" Poor Matt was all, "I just say what I feel impressed to say!" Well then say something good was pretty much my response. <br />
<br />
It was a blessing that did not at all comfort me.<br />
<br />
The next day I went to the hospital. Still only dialated to a 1. So I said, "sorry guys, please tell my doctor that I won't be induced" and I left the hospital. Went home and took a brisk 3 mile walk around the arboretum and suffered ZERO Braxton hicks or contractions. The walk was brisk because I was ABLE to do it.<br />
<br />
Thursday around 1AM my water broke. Just a trickle, but enough to wake me up. I was glad that I started labor on my own and figured any minute contractions would start and we'd have another awesome "Sadie easy delivery" experience. I went to bed anticipating the contractions and slept soundly until 6 when the kids had to get up. <br />
<br />
ZERO contractions.<br />
<br />
So the plan was, get the kids to school and then I needed to go to the sports store for soccer paraphernalia and then I was going to hit the mall and check out sales at DownEast. Right before I left the phone rang. It was Matt.<br />
<br />
"I told the doctor (Matt works for a doctor) about you and she strongly suggested that you go ahead and get seen at the hospital."<br />
<br />
That rubbed me wrong. I can listen to a doctor OR I can listen to my body. And my body was telling me to get as much done before labor actually starts. Matt repeated what he thought I should do. I relented, only because it was still before 10 and nothing was opened yet. I could get the hospital hoop-lah out of the way then get the fun stuff done.<br />
<br />
I rushed out the door, just with my purse and promised my crying 2 and 4 year old, "have fun with Grandma, I'll be right back."<br />
<br />
Famous last words.<br />
<br />
When I got to the hospital and explained things, they said, "lets just see if that was your water that broke."<br />
<br />
I knew it was cuz I know my body.<br />
<br />
I was right.<br />
<br />
But since I wasn't contracting AT ALL I told the nurses, "I need to go though because I'm really not in labor."<br />
<br />
"Well honey, your water broke almost 12 hours ago, so you really NEED to be in labor."<br />
"Annnd I'm not, so I'm going to leave."<br />
"Well honey, you really can't. We need to start you on some Pitocin"<br />
"But I'm only dialated to a 1."<br />
"We know."<br />
<br />
I texted Matt crying. I can't be given Pitocin at a 1. That needs to happen when I'm at an 8. It's happened EVERY TIME. I told him I was upset and he needed to come as soon as he could. He was at my bedside in the hour.<br />
<br />
They started the pit and for about 5 hours we hung out in the hospital room and took some laps around the floor. This was a complete night mare. Normally I labor walking around Target and getting lunch with Matt. After 5 hrs on pit I had dialated to a 4. <br />
<br />
Defeating.<br />
<br />
They upped the pit and yeah, it started getting quite uncomfortable. But baby wasn't descending. Sooo, what do you do when you're laboring with Pitocin and it's been 16 hours? You do lunges and squats and hip swirls. Yup, that's what the nurses had me doing. And it was best to do this through the contractions.<br />
<br />
11PM. I was dialated to a 7. My water had been broken 18 hours and baby's heart wasn't handeling the contractions well. I was exhausted and frankly, panicking. C-section seemed to loom in the dark corners of my room like a murderer. What was wrong with my body?!<br />
<br />
Honestly, the pain got so great and I was starting to feel so defeated that when they suggested, for the umpteenth time that I try an epidural, I relented. <br />
<br />
And I totally felt at peace about it.<br />
<br />
Long story short, THE EPIDURAL WORKED! And this was the reason Matt said what he said. I would get an epidural that "I didn't want" and it would end up working. I fell back in my bed so happy, so reassured, so relaxed. I knew I'd be able to snooze and then I'd push and we'd have our baby.<br />
<br />
Around 3AM the doctor woke me up, surrounded by 3 nurses. <br />
<br />
"Erika, your baby's heart is not dealing well at all with the contractions. If you're not dialated and can't push RIGHT NOW we have to have a C-section."<br />
<br />
I knew I'd be able to push once she checked me. And it'd be real quick.<br />
<br />
"You're still at a 7."<br />
<br />
And I totally felt at peace.<br />
<br />
I got the "mother of all mother" shots that just went into my epidural and immediately felt "out of it." I remember being wheeled out in my bed. I remember we rode in an elevator. I remember the super bright room. I remember them putting a little hat thing on my head. I remember them lifting me off of my bed onto another bed. I remember them putting some drape thing over my chest. I remember my doctor asking me, "Erika, can you feel this?"<br />
"No"<br />
"Good"<br />
<br />
I closed my eyes. I knew what was happening. I braced for the "uncomfortable tugging and pulling". I felt one tiny tug. One tiny pull. And then I heard his cry.<br />
<br />
I could hardly turn my head towards Matt but did anyways, asking him if the baby was out. Matt said yes. I was so glad. I was so glad he was out, that he was alive, that things really DID go well. I couldn't wait to be undrugged so I could hold our caboose. <br />
<br />
I saw right away that he had dark hair. That meant he'd be Gideon. I really liked Soren and William as names, but they seemed like "white people names". I have to admit, I REALLY wanted Soren. Always have, but he was such a dark baby, it just didn't seem to fit. He'd be Gideon Cruz. I saw right away that he had FAT already! Fat forearms, fat thighs, fat calves, he even had fat on the back of his neck. <br />
"9 lbs 2 ounces!" Yup, our fattest baby.<br />
"21 inches!" And our longest! <br />
<br />
I quickly calculated that it meant that I easily lost 10 lbs. Maybe even 11 with my placenta. Priorities.<br />
<br />
I noticed his eyes. Holy cow he pulled from the Filipino side! I joked to myself that I'd have to reassure Matt that he was indeed HIS baby. I've done that with several of our kids.<br />
<br />
Matt left when they took Gideon and I closed my eyes, so exhausted, drifting in and out of "lucidity." I remember the elevator ride back. I remember they brought me back to a new room. I was so tired. It was just past 3:30AM.<br />
<br />
Around 12 they brought Gideon to me. I was still "loopy." He nursed a bit. My gosh he was fat! So much goodness to kiss. He was pretty chill. I was in love.<br />
<br />
I called my sister. <br />
"He's here! And he's perfect!"<br />
We commented on how lucky I was to have 9 healthy babies. Though her jaw dropped when she found out I had to have a C-section. Can't be totally lucky, but lucky enough.<br />
<br />
They took Gideon back, I rested. Around 3 Matt came back with Gideon. He was holding him, playing with the fat on the back of his neck. We were chatting, I was still a bit loopy, but we really wanted to bring the kids to the hospital to meet their brother. Matt wanted to shower before he left.<br />
<br />
"Let me hold him while you shower" I said.<br />
Matt started to hand him to me, then he stopped. And stared.<br />
<br />
"What are you doing?"<br />
Silence.<br />
Then I saw why Matt didn't answer. Gideon was dark grey. His face was dark grey.<br />
<br />
"Take him to the nurses!" I yelled. Well, not really yelled. I was suddenly frantic. I think it was actually more of a whisper. I didn't have to say anything. Matt was already leaving.<br />
<br />
I don't know how long it was, if it was a short time or a long time, but Matt came back. No Gideon. Just Matt and my doctor and I think a nurse or 2.<br />
<br />
"We have your baby on oxygen. We think there are some problems with his heart. And we drew some blood to run some tests. We think he may have down syndrome."<br />
<br />
Matt was sitting on the bed with me. I had a wash cloth in my hands because ... well, I don't know why. I just did. We looked at each other and I lost it. It hurt so much to cry but I couldn't stop. I was digging the wash cloth in my eyes and just balling. Matt was crying. <br />
<br />
I had never felt so helpless or lost or confused in my life. Heart problems? Trisomy 21? Total fear grabbed my chest. What if I lose him? I didn't know how bad his heart was. I know nothing about hearts period. Except that they beat. And if they stop, you die. Was that my baby?<br />
<br />
Down syndrome? I couldn't believe I was hearing that and it was pertaining to my life. My baby. My child. My Gideon. <br />
<br />
I needed to see him. Desperately.<br />
<br />
I was put in a wheel chair and we entered the hallway. The hallway I had been walking just hours before, for hours. It looked so foreign to me all of a sudden. They rolled me next to his little bed and gave him to me. He was bundled up and Matt held the oxygen tube to his nose. He looked so peaceful. So perfect. I started kissing him. I couldn't stop. I couldn't kiss him enough. He was mine, he was ours. We'd take him just the way he was, we'd raise him with love, in a loving home, just the way he was. But please Heavenly Father, don't take him from us. I couldn't stop crying.<br />
<br />
"We need to fly him to Spokane."<br />
<br />
Could this day get any worse? <br />
<br />
"The doctor wants to monitor you though, so you will need to be here until Monday."<br />
<br />
Not gonna happen.<br />
<br />
I held Gideon, kissed him, cried on him. I heard helicopter sounds and asked, "is that for him?"<br />
"Yes."<br />
<br />
Make it stop!<br />
<br />
"We need to take you back to your room so the flight crew and get him ready. They will bring him to you before they load him up."<br />
<br />
I don't remember anything after that. Just helplessness. After what seemed like an eternity they wheeled Gideon in. He was in the capsule thing. I couldn't touch him. <br />
<br />
Watching them wheel Gideon out was pretty much more than I could bare. I really don't remember anything at all after that. Well, I take that back. I heard the helicopter leave. I told them to call me when they got there. I needed to know they landed safely.<br />
<br />
Shortly thereafter they did call. They were at the Sacred Heart nicu. Matt was going to drive there immediately. It was around 5 or 6PM on Friday. The nurses knew I was going to be leaving the next day. I told them I didn't care what my doctor said.<br />
<br />
A few hours later Matt sent me pics from the nicu in Spokane. He was holding Gideon. Gideon was sleeping. <br />
<br />
I look back on that day, almost 4 weeks ago, and I see the blessing Matt gave me. Only this time, it brings so much comfort. Because now, I see God's hand. He took care of things in His way. I actually believe my doctor saved Gideon's life. Had he went through the birth canal, his compromised heart may not have made it. My mom wasn't going to come but one morning, woke up feeling like she needed to be here. Heavenly Father put people in my life in those first days and weeks who literally carried me. My sister told me how I won the lottery with a down syndrome baby. Paula comforted, supported and listened to me. Missy made me laugh. Kristine lined up people to make dinners for my family. Patty brought me toiletries and treats. And so many people prayed. So many people prayed for my sweet Gideon.<br />
<br />
I think one of the biggest ways God showed His hand was simply via Gideon's name. It means "great warrior."<br />
<br />
I think before he came to this Earth, Gideon was a great warrior. And I think he's going to continue being a great warrior. As a matter a fact, I know it.<br />
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Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-80382128818411840302016-03-05T06:01:00.000-08:002016-03-05T06:01:55.017-08:00"He came to heal you"It's 4:20am and I'm at home. It's been a week now since Gideon was born. A week since my life has truly changed for ever. I just pumped 60mls of milk to take to the hospital later on when I go back. I'll be there all week long. I still won't want any visitors.<br />
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It's interesting to me. Before he was born, we had 3 names we liked for our baby boy. Soren, William, and Gideon. We didn't know which but felt like we would as soon as he was born. As soon as he was born, we knew. Gideon. A few days ago I re-read the stories of Gideon in the Book of Mormon. He was named perfectly.<br />
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I wanted to write about the weeks and months leading up to Gideon's birth. Because that's what's most heavy on my mind. I will write about his delivery and finding out about his diagnosis later. This just seems more pressing.<br />
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I believe satan knows more about us than we realize. We moved from VA to ID last year. December 2014. We had a 6 week window to make that move. It was stressful and I remember one day being so overwhelmed with everything I had fallen into the fetal position in the little boys' bedroom and just cried. It was one of those "desperate, let it all out cries" but I felt better afterwards. At that same time, I also found out that my college boyfriend turned fiancé who I broke up with just to serve a mission had died. For the first time in my life my heart broke. I cried so much. <br />
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We made the trip, everything fell into place, and our new home proved awesome. A few months later I had back to back miscarriages. Then I got pregnant and 2 weeks later blew my knee out playing basketball. It was the 2nd day of summer when I did this. I was couch bound for several weeks then limped around for the rest of the summer. The kids were awesome. They totally upped their games and took on a lot of the responsibilities themselves. <br />
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I've always prided myself on not really struggling with depression and being in control. I do give the credit to exercise. There is absolutely nothing that a good little run can't take care of when I'm feeling overwhelmed or down. I love sports and working out. It's a huge reason why I am so supportive of my kids playing sports and being active. It'll serve them their entire lives.<br />
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I normally work out and play sports throughout my pregnancies. My theory is, "if they say listening to Mozart or reading to your growing belly helps make your child smarter, then playing sports and working out will make your child an athlete." ;) Just another bonus to staying active whilst pregnant in my opinion.<br />
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This go around, I couldn't. As soon as I healed enough to start working out, SOMETHING got in the way. Sick kids so no gym, fall turned into winter and holy cow, the winters here are nothing like my mild ones back in VA. I couldn't take the little ones out much at all for walks. And talk about GRAY! The entire month of January was seriously ALL GRAY. Welcome to ID I guess?<br />
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What I didn't see coming was how this all was affecting me. I found myself irritable, impatient and scatterbrained more than usual. And that was when satan went in for the strike.<br />
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I started questioning and doubting so much. I'd randomly write on pieces of paper, "what's happening to me?" I even started wondering if I had made the right decision 20 plus years ago to break up with Dirk to serve a mission. I found myself questioning so much about the church. Yes, I have a testimony of Joseph Smith seeing Heavenly Father and Jesus, thus being called as a prophet in these latter day and yes, I have a testimony of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, but other things started bothering me about the church. And it truly scared me. And when I prayed or read scriptures looking for answers, the heavens just felt so closed off to me. Nothing.<br />
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It even got to the point that I REALLY began to question my worth as a mother. Even my role as a wife. It just really sucked that I was 42, living in a 1600 square foot home with kids who, like lemmings, were feeling the squeeze and taking it out on each other. Bickering over stupid things, being ungrateful, demanding things I would have NEVER even THOUGHT to ask for as a child. It got to the point that I remember thinking, "have I been brainwashed as a Mormon into thinking that motherhood is all that it's cracked up to be?" I started to really feel like I was wasting my time and being a wife and mother was really, for the birds.<br />
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I pleaded so much with my Heavenly Father to ease my thoughts, to bless me with comfort, to really take me out of my thoughts. And nothing. Matt gave me blessing after blessing. Still nothing.<br />
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And then Gideon was born.<br />
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And all of a sudden it became so clear to me why satan was attacking me so much. I simply did not know that I was carrying a spirit so elite, so valiant in the pre-existence, that not only did he not need to be tested in the mortal life, but that his only mission here on Earth would be to bring out the best and Christ-like attributes in those who he came into contact with. <br />
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As I held Gideon in my arms during this week, I would feel so many times my dependency on him. I need him. My spirit needs him. I think he took me by the hand many times in the pre-life and gave me strength then. I am confident he did that with Matt and his siblings, too. I feel such a bond with him now, as if we've finally been reunited and our relationship we had in the pre-life would "pick up where we left off." And that was a lot of his picking my hand up and guiding me. <br />
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Now more than ever has my role of mother been strengthened. It's not brainwashing. It's what Heavenly Father wants me to do, what He needs me to do. Coming home after a week away from the kids, I see so clearly how much these sweet spirits of mine need me and how much I need them. Gideon reminded me of this. satan would have me turn my back or give up on this role of mine, not that I'd "physically walk away" but easily mentally or emotionally walk away. I have struggled for YEARS with such negative feelings towards my MIL. Gone. Gideon took those away from me. <br />
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Matt told me the other day, as I shared these feelings with him, "I think Gideon came to heal you." <br />
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Matt's right. As I hold Gideon in the hospital, surrounded by tubes and cords and machines, I feel broken. I feel so helpless, so desperate to fix his heart and lungs, so ... helpless. And because of these feelings, these broken feelings, I feel changed. Softened. Holding on to negative things just suddenly didn't seem so important. Feeling his warm body next to mine, looking at his perfect little face, kissing that "extra fat" around his neck, kissing his chest to somehow give strength to his heart, taking his little hand and running it down my face. My desire, my NEED to be his Earthly mother has changed me. I want NOTHING MORE than to be a mom, to be a better mom than I ever have been. Not just to him but to his siblings. My gratitude to the Gospel, to being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has skyrocketed. My doubts towards the church I recognize as simply my own pride and shortcomings and these are things I can let go of. <br />
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As much as Gideon needs me right now ... it has zero comparison to how much I need him.<br />
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In the pre-life, his spirit was stronger than mine, more valiant than mine. I know he helped me and strengthened me a lot before this Earth life. I came to Earth needing to prove myself. He came to Earth not needing to prove himself. He did come, as Matt so lovingly put it, to heal me. I just hope and pray and plead to my Heavenly Father that I get to have him on Earth for a long time.<br />
Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-33515399610052631112016-01-26T10:16:00.001-08:002016-01-26T10:16:06.852-08:00Fear, doubt, and sin Lesson learned (again) on why I should go to church on Sundays. Even though many times church passes in a blur for me, once in a while, I get a little "Heavenly nudge." Last Sunday, one of my most favorite people in the world, Joseph, gave a talk. Joe is one of the youth who I immediately fell in love with. The kid is amazing. He'll go places in life, hands down. Anyways, he gave a talk and quoted from Elder Uchtdorf's talk, "Living the Gospel Joyful." A quote he shared totally grabbed me.<br />
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"Heavenly Father is constantly raining blessings upon us. It is our fear, doubt, and sin that, like an umbrella, block these blessing from reaching us."<br />
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I think that lately, it has been the huge amounts of fear and doubt that have put me in the state of mind I am in right now. <br />
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In my life time, I have had handfuls of experiences that have required absolute BLIND FAITH on my part. These experiences have always been so hard for me, have excluded all traces of LOGIC (which is hard because I'm about 99% logic, 1% emotion) but have been 100% proof of God's hand in my life and His absolute awareness of me.<br />
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Breaking off my engagement with Dirk, my college best friend and sweetheart of 3 years, to serve a mission. A TOTAL step into the lonely unknown. <br />
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Leaving the security and comfort of VA to move to ID in a 6 week window. I was an emotional wreck and in a spiritual tornado not knowing why we needed to do it or how it was going to happen. So many pieces of our "puzzle" HAD to fall into place for that trip to happen.<br />
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And with these and other experiences, I have totally seen the miraculous hand of God. Everything turned out just fine. The other day Colby said, "if we didn't move to ID, I wouldn't have wanted to get my Eagle. My friends here make me plan for my future." This move was so healthy for my kids. I think it was for them and because of them that we were supposed to come here.<br />
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There have been more, but for the sake of time, I want to get right at my current situation. Feb. 20th I'm due to have blessing #9. Been pregnant now a total of 12 times, so I know I'm not "immune" to bad things. Baby is breech. Dr wants to try and get him head down next Monday. Worse case scenario is this could turn into an emergency C-section. In close 2nd would be a scheduled C-section. I say close 2nd because I have HAD to have my babies epidural-less because my body reacts violently to the epidural. Having a non-emergency C-section requires this same epidural, only at greater strengths. I know what that's like. It's crap. Needless to say, I'm struggling with a lot of "fear and doubt" right now, even though I've had so many miraculous experiences in the past. It sounds ungrateful and forgetful of me. But it's not. It's my fear and doubt, aka lack of faith.<br />
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At the same time this is going on, we will be starting the process again of selling one of our homes in VA. Tenants leave end of Feb and 1st of March we begin the updating with plans to have it listed by the last week of March. We need this house sold ASAP. And our lease here is up in May, so technically we really need our house in VA to sell first part of May. That's such a small window.<br />
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Once again, enter in fear and doubt. Coupled with the reminders of God's hand in my life in the past, then the blare of fear and doubt.<br />
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And I'm supposed to be faithful mother, teaching my kids to be faithful and trust in Heavenly Father. It's so much easier said than done. And I fall so short. Because in my heart, that's the strongest feeling I have. Fear and doubt looking at the 2 upcoming events. <br />
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But I just "muscle through it." I almost FORCE myself to think, "it'll be alright, it'll turn out just fine." Because it HAS in the past. This trust vs faith thing is a real thing, but I HAVE learned that even though I HAVE those feelings, they can't STOP you. So you take a step into the dark. I take the step into the dark. Regarding this pregnancy. I'll do what I need to get this baby head down. Pray, pray, exercise, pray, exercise, pray some more. And go in on Monday KNOWING he'll be head down. We'll move forward with putting our house on the market and KNOWING it'll sell quickly. Even if it means "forcing the knowing". LOL! That sounds so chipper Mormon. <br />
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Fear, doubt and sin block blessing that Heavenly Father wants or is even giving me. I believe this. It's a lack of faith. Faith moves mountains. I feel like there are 2 mountains in my life that need to be moved. God wouldn't tell us this if it weren't true, right? <br />
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I can appreciate that moving mountains is no easy task. I would be lying if I said, "I've totally got this!" But we are also told that if you have nothing but DESIRE, that the Lord can work miracles with this desire. I have a desire to lose my fear and doubt. At times, that may be all I have.<br />
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Stay tuned for updates in the next couple of weeks/months. One day my precious kids will read these entries. They'll know their mom sure has her weaknesses, but I hope that they will also strengthen their testimonies in both the Gospel and also in Heavenly Father and Jesus. I can't imagine going through life not knowing about the Gospel, Heavenly Father and Christ. Not to be cheesy, cuz I hate the cheese, but if I were doing this "alone", holy crap. I'd be so screwed!!<br />
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Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-83077346017888603122015-11-09T00:24:00.001-08:002015-11-09T00:24:07.759-08:00Impeccable timingI just can't get this out of my head, so I'm gonna write about it.<br />
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Our Suburban is about 80 years old and pretty much, falling apart, piece by piece. I'm fine with it. I don't need fancy fance. She runs, that's all I care about. Plus, accident-wise, it'd take out just about any car, so I feel pretty safe. But she is getting old and it shows. Kids hate it. Their friends call it the "Tank." Better than the crap car my parents drove while I was in younger. It was a red VW van. In Germany. It went about 50 mph. My friends called it the put-put mobile. That's way worse than "tank."<br />
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And I'm super loyal to this Suburban. She brought us safely from VA to ID, so we're keeping it. We will drive her until she literally craps out. Like, the car my parents drove, they drove that thing til the battery fell out. For reals. My mom said she was driving and all of a sudden, "ker-plunk" then "dragggg" and over to the side of the road she coasted and came to a stop. Yup, the battery had fallen out.<br />
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Anyways, like I said, the Suburban is slowly ebbing, but not w/o a fight. From me. <br />
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The other day, I could have SWORN that Matt said he had filled the Suburban up with gas. I knew it needed to happen. It was on empty but I find myself so darn busy, that I don't even have time to stop to fill up, so I just drive with a little prayer that I can get to point A to point B w/o running out of gas. Not that I'm being reckless. I just seriously don't have time and think, "I'll fill up later."<br />
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Anyways, I was aware that the tank was empty, had the thought to fill it up "next time" and swear I heard Matt tell me he had filled it up.<br />
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So when I left to run kids to this place and that, I was shocked slash not shocked to see the needle still on empty. I figured, "great, there goes the gas gauge." And went about my morning. <br />
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On my way home, as I was coming down a hill behind campus, I thought, "let me just put a little bit of gas in the car to see if the gauge really is broken." At the bottom of the hill there is an entrance to the gas station that's near my house. I committed to the thought and veered right. And that's when the Suburban shut off. The lights dimmed, the steering wheel froze up. Right when you enter the gas station there are 2 pumps at that entrance with 6 more around the corner, at the front. I cranked the wheel as hard as I could to get the car coasting in the direction of the 2 pumps. And I came to a complete, dead, completely complete, gas-less stop. Right. In. Front. Of. THE GAS PUMP!<br />
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I sat there for a few moments, praising God like a full-on Deus e Amor member. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!! I kept saying, over and over and over. I got out, put over $100 bucks in the tank (still didn't fill up, but ... $100?!?!?! It just hurt.) and I'm still thanking God for that experience.<br />
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I find it super interesting that after that experience, my FB wall totally filled up with all that stuff about gay parents and their kids not being able to be baptized or something like that.<br />
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My first thought? I have to admit. Anger. Isn't one super important thing about getting baptized the fact that you get the gift of the Holy Ghost, which helps you make correct choices for the rest of your life? Don't we all need that GIFT? Followed by the thought, "yet kids who want to be baptized with parents who are super against it CAN?" I felt a bit frustrated by the whole thing.<br />
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And then I read in Alma today about when Alma and Almuleck were teaching and the lawyers were making life difficult and their new converts were thrown into the fire and Alma and Almuleck suffer days and days of getting smacked in the face, go w/o food, water and clothes, and in the end, they are described as lions walking out from the crumbled prison.<br />
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The things I was reminded of when I reflect on the gas station thing and the Alma/Almuleck thing is that God is real. He. Really. Is. And humans are humans. We're the same today as we were centuries ago. I'm sure the lawyers and those who supported the lawyers all had their reasons to attack these men of God. Sure they were blinded, but aren't we all blinded to a degree? Maybe they were blinded by money, pride, peer pressure. That's not at all unfamiliar for us today! Regardless, the lawyers in the Book of Mormon were blinded and were making some pretty evil decisions regarding these 2 men of God. There was a time in this Alma story where Almuleck thought, "Maybe they will also burn us?" I love that line. It shows, to me, his human-ness. He doubted, he was afraid, he didn't have an answer. But Alma comforted him. He knew they wouldn't get burned because they hadn't finished their mission.<br />
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The point of my sharing that is although there was obvious confusion, for sure heartbreak, frustration and a desire to make things better (Almuleck wanting to save the new converts from the fire) Alma, the prophet, KNEW what to do. <br />
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I am seriously the type of person who needs to know the "whys" to things. I have a rebellious spirit. I get totally turned off by ... stupid people, holy rollers, etc. And to be quite honest, I get a bit "yawny" with all the stuff on FB regarding this "announcement" (both stuff for and against it.)<br />
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But because of my experience at the gas station, coupled with reading about Alma and Amuleck, I am reminded, ever so gently, lovingly, and OBVIOUSLY, that God is real. That He is in charge, that He's aware of me. And because of all this, He has given me a prophet TODAY, like Moses, Noah, Isaiah, Nephi, etc. who will guide me. He will say what the Lord wants him to say, not what HE himself wants to say, and I need to remember that. Not many people, at all, boarded the arc. It took the Israelites 40 years to reach their destination. We, humans, tend to forget some pretty important things and act pretty ... humanly. I need to remember this. I need to always remember my vulnerability and stay focused on what I need to focus on. It's silly and tomfoolery to harshly judge the "evil" people in the scriptures. Because really, I am no different. And that's why it's so important to just keep focused on the scriptures, listen to and follow the prophets, and really, really listen to and recognize the Lord's whispers and inspirations.<br />
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That said, I know we have living, breathing prophets on Earth today. We need them.Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-77306087825414809882015-10-12T23:03:00.002-07:002015-10-12T23:13:58.077-07:00X-Country. It's a beautiful sport.My thoughts have been reeling with the adventures of the past couple of months. Angela decided, since it was offered to the 6th graders for the first time ever, to forgo soccer this fall and instead run cross-country.<br />
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In all honestly, I had 2 distinct thoughts cross my mind. "You're going to suck at it" and "I'm so glad you're 'mixing' your sports up."<br />
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The former: She's a sprinter. I was a sprinter. Super fast. And typically, you're either fast at short distances or fast at long distances. Not both. And I sucked at long distances. So I figured she was going to suck, too.<br />
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The later: I think, even if you have a passion for a certain sport, "mixing it up" is about the best thing you can do for your preferred sport. "Cross-training." I loved hearing that the national women's soccer team, for the most part, all participated in a NUMBER of different sports and they totally encouraged it. It was my understanding of "passing the ball" and "getting open for a pass" in basketball that totally prepared me for soccer. Plus, it fuels the hunger for your sport by not burning you out. Not to mention overuse injury.<br />
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As a little tid-bit, Abby Wambach, whom I totally idolize in an almost unhealthy way, said that her timing for her diving headers came from playing forward in basketball.<br />
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Anyways, I was glad to see that Ange wanted to try another sport and just play soccer in the Spring. Cool by me.<br />
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And because I totally sucked at cross-country, I was prepared with an entire novel full of the "silver linings" as why to continue on with cross-country even though you suck that I'd share with Ange.<br />
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When I picked her up from practice I braced myself as I asked her "how it went." <br />
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"It was cool. Only 3 people can beat me."<br />
"You mean only 3 girls in the 6th grade?"<br />
"No, the entire team."<br />
(The entire team is 6th-8th, boys and girls.)<br />
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Of course I interpreted this as: You obviously didn't understand the coach's course instructions and naively cut the course. Or simply, "You obviously didn't finish what you were supposed to run."<br />
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But I didn't correct her. I just let her believe that only 3 people could beat her.<br />
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I couldn't make her first race and when she came home with her 1st place medal, I kinda scratched my head.<br />
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Come to find out, she really is a fast little buggar. If it's a 6th grade only race, she always wins, with quite the gap between herself and 2nd. If it's 6th-8th, she'll come in 4th up to 2nd, depending on which schools are running. <br />
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It's so weird for me, someone who totally sucked at cross-country, to see something I birthed run so strongly in a distance competition. It's almost surreal. <br />
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The cool thing about Ange is, it doesn't go to her head. And the opposite is true. If she loses a game or is on a losing team, it also doesn't "go to her head." She enjoys sports, no matter how she does. Always. Has.<br />
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Which brings me to the real purpose of this post. "What I would have told Ange had she 'sucked' at cross-country."<br />
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X-Country really and truly is a beautiful sport. I find myself tearing up as I watch the runners force themselves through the chute, sucking wind, on the verge of puking. I love seeing the kids push themselves to the limit. And I love seeing EVERYONE clapping and cheering them ALL on. From the 1st to the last. It's so emotional for me.<br />
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My experience in the sport is drastically different not only from my daughter's, but from any sport I've ever done. I've experienced at least SOME level of success in my sports, from track to basketball, to racquetball to soccer. Cross-country? Complete disappointment, complete failure, even alienation. My high school coach, Rip Wagner, HATED me. And he didn't hide it either. I was the reason he didn't have TWO European Championship teams. (The guys team in my high school won and the girls team could have won as the first 5 girls were all super strong runners, taking the top 5 or 10 spots easily in races. Then in waddled me. 2nd from the end. Ruining all chances of our team every doing anything cool at the championship level.)<br />
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Yes, I hated it. But quitting was never an option. Because for some strange reason, I STILL felt some weird sort of satisfaction simply crossing the finish line.<br />
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And because of that, cross-country taught me so many life lessons. Because of that, x-country really is a beautiful sport.<br />
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Sometimes life really does get so hard. Sometimes the choices you make, especially the RIGHT choices, tend to be some of the HARDEST to follow through. But just because something is hard, or even just because you honestly feel like you're FAILING, doesn't mean you give up. Serving a mission in Brazil was, at the time, one of the hardest things I had ever done. But going home was never even on my radar. I HAD to cross that finish line. When I returned from my mission and found myself, 3 years later, about as single as a rat in a snake pit, the temptation to "give up on finding Mr. Perfect" and simply "settling for whomever wanted me" definitely lurked in the dark corners of my mind. Especially when my mom started referring to me as a "Spinster." But thankfully I didn't give up on myself and eventually DID find my Mr. Perfect.<br />
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Being a mother? Not a walk in the park. This stuff is HARD work. At times I sincerely do feel defeated. I have felt like I'm wasting my time. I have even felt, 'maybe being a mom really isn't as important as I'm told.' But then I remind myself that getting down on myself is part of the experience and the other part is holding my head high, shouldering through the doubts and naysayers, ignoring the Rip Wagners, and keeping my eyes on that finish line. <br />
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And just because, by comparison, you may THINK you suck at something, really, YOU DON'T. Comparing myself to the other runners on my team, one could easily say, "you suck at running" simply because they "beat" me. But what else went on? I'd have to say, I'm a champion at pacing myself because I didn't die on the course. I'm a champion at ignoring negative comments and simply 'doing my thang' because I didn't let my coach's negative behavior towards me deter me from running. I'm a champion at finding satisfaction in other things besides winning.<br />
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These are the things I was prepared to share with Angela had she become frustrated with her xc experience. I never want my kids to quit a sport or to not try out for a sport simply because they "suck" at it. Winning truly is not everything. In my opinion, it's the least of everything. I was having a conversation once and she said, "she quit volleyball because she just couldn't do it well. I don't blame her. Nothing's fun if you can't do it well." <br />
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So. Terribly. Not. True.<br />
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“Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to just be people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey…delays…sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling burst of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.” <br />
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Sometimes life really isn't great. Sometimes it can be down right hard. Many times you may feel completely defeated. Maybe even totally alone. The trick really and truly is, to put your right foot down and kick up that left heel. Doing so, you will move forward and eventually, you will cross that finish line and when you do, and you think back on that course, and you find yourself conqueror of that course, ... then comes the exhilaration, then comes the contentment, then comes the satisfaction and even the boost in self esteem and confidence to move on as a better you. <br />
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I am so happy that my daughter found success in her 1st cross-country season. At the same time, I'm confident that even if she wasn't a strong runner, she would still run. She told me, "Whenever I feel like stopping cuz I'm tired, I tell myself, 'Quitters never win and winners never quit', and Mom, I'm NOT a quitter!"<br />
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See, x-country really is a beautiful sport!Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-3929679122355290382015-07-23T12:40:00.001-07:002015-07-23T12:54:53.958-07:00Finally! A much needed tender mercy!Ever since we moved here to ID, I've been struggling more with "churchy" things than anything else. I feel like the basic Gospel of Jesus Christ is pretty simple and liberating even, but then what happens? Well meaning people have to screw it all up. And I find myself struggling huge with it. More than I should.<br />
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It's not just Idaho people either. People in my past, family, snippets on FB, etc. So I find myself having quiet conversations with Heavenly Father, basically trying to sort my own spiritual feelings out. And lately, I just haven't felt Heavenly Father close. Like, the heavens are far, cold, quiet and empty.<br />
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I've also been really struggling with our financial situation. I was born into poverty and never have I had a SINGLE. DAY. IN. MY. LIFE where money, or rather the lack there of, wasn't a stress. I'm 41 and it continues and frankly, I don't see an end. My dad got his first job my sophomore year in high school. Teachers would send me home with clothes because they felt so bad for me. When I went to college, I worked at the MTC cafeteria ... well, really, what college student has money? My entire 15 years of marriage have been supporting Matt through school, so no income which has resulted in quite the amount of debt. It will take a miracle to get us on our feet financially. I believe in miracles, but just recently it just hit me that most likely, financial burden will be my burden through life. <br />
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And I'd find myself having quiet conversations with Heavenly Father, basically trying to sort THOSE feelings out. And lately, I just haven't felt Heavenly Father close. Like, the heavens are far, cold, quiet and empty.<br />
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We went to the temple a few weeks ago. That for me was the 1st time in about 2 plus years. I was actually really looking forward to it. I wanted to feel Heavenly Father close. I wanted to feel some relief from my struggles. Hoping to get answers or at the minimum, comfort. And once again, yes, even there in the temple, I felt the heavens far away, cold, quiet, and empty.<br />
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I've actually never had an *amazing experience at the temple. I find myself getting more and more frustrated when I hear people tell stories about their experiences at the temple. They all sound the same, and all so foreign to me. Don't get me wrong, I know it's a great place to be, but I wasn't super surprised that I had the experience I had a few weeks ago in the Boise temple.<br />
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*I'm not saying I've never gotten answers to my prayers. Yes, I have. So vivid that there is zero doubt in my mind that God hears and answers prayers. All I'm saying is I have never gotten an answer while sitting and pondering and praying in the temple. Not a reason to stop going of course, just saying I go, when I go, because I know it's the right thing to do.<br />
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Back to the point of this post. I just found myself getting more and more overwhelmed, frustrated, and yes, even a bit angry.<br />
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Last night I told Matt I was going to the room for quiet so I could read the scriptures. I was having a particularly hard day regarding finances and even jokingly said, "I'm going to find out what we need to do to not be poor!" as I walked into the room with the scriptures. I had a quick thought rush through my head, "Let tomorrow take care of itself. Carry not purse or script because I will take care of you. The lilies toil not yet are adorned more beautifully than the temples of Solomon." <br />
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I dismissed the thought, telling myself, "Quit trying to be so cheesy positive with those cheesy positive Mormony thoughts!" I hate cheesy crap.<br />
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Then I laid on the bed and did my "random opening" of the scriptures and got comfortable. If I fell asleep, more power to me! :)<br />
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I opened up to D&C section 84 and started reading. Just cuz that's where I opened to. As I read, I have to admit, I got emotional, my heart started pounding, and my entire being felt a huge amount of gratitude towards Heavenly Father. I couldn't believe it! Read it if you're reading this so you can see what I'm talking about! <a href="https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/84?lang=eng">https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/84?lang=eng</a><br />
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I have to admit, I did skip to verse 43 cuz I'm adhd.<br />
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Not only did I get the answers I was looking for when we went to the temple, I got the comfort I needed and this huge amount of understanding in just a flash of a second. I RE-EXPERIENED Heavenly Father's love for me, was reminded that He is aware of me, and suddenly felt the burden of our insanely pathetic financial situation lifted. I don't have answers to HOW things will financially get better, but I was given a huge reminder to simply TRUST in Heavenly Father. <br />
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Regarding my struggles with the Gospel vs people. The section was great! It was all about missionary work and for me, it was as if Heavenly Father were saying to me, "Don't worry about all that. Just be a missionary. And to be a missionary, just be a good you, the best you, be a good friend and example."<br />
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I didn't feel like I needed to go on splits with the missionaries. I didn't feel like I needed to start running around bearing my testibalogne to everyone I saw. I just had this happy feeling that all I needed to do was to be a happier, positive and better me. And I really felt like Heavenly Father would take care of things. All things.<br />
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He has in the past. And I guess it's safe to say that last night, I was reminded that "His helping me" has not run out. Will not run out.<br />
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I really needed that experience last night. He sure is aware of our needs. Really and truly aware.<br />
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<br />Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-58745241052423924522015-06-23T23:38:00.000-07:002015-06-23T23:38:34.838-07:00The whole knee thingBack at BYU, 1998 ish, I was playing soccer when I was supposed to be helping with the Special Olympics. For me it was a no brainer. Play soccer vs. not play soccer. I still remember it like it was this morning. I was playing striker and running full speed towards the goal. The ball was passed sooner than I anticipated so I quickly planted my left foot and slide into the ball with the bottom of my right foot. And completely destroyed my knee. I heard the tear, the snap, the pop. I didn't know then what I had done and just figured I had sprained my knee and would be back in no time. Not so. I had what people call "the unhappy triad" and after surgery to fix my knee, had about 6 weeks of crutches and 6 months of therapy. Oh, I did score that goal though! :)<br />
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2 weeks ago, while playing basketball, I jumped up to get the ball and landed with my right leg going one way and my body going the other. I heard the familiar pop pop and seriously, started cussing because A it hurt and B, this time I knew what I had done and I was pissed.<br />
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It was Tuesday, the 2nd day of summer.<br />
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On Monday I had planned my summer days with the kids, all of which would start off with me running to the gym, working out, running back and getting things going with the kids. It was the summer, I had planned, to really get into shape. I had 2 miscarriages in the past 2 months and figured, "not getting pregnant anymore. So the silver lining can be getting my body back!"<br />
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I'm really struggling with this. I know it's superficial, I know at 41 and still pretty active, I have a lot to be thankful for. But it's still so hard. Running, playing basketball, doing things, it's my therapy. It's my Prozac. When I feel overwhelmed or super angry, I go for a quick run and come back totally cured. When I feel trim and fit, I just feel happier. I was sad about the miscarriages, but really, I thought that by closing this chapter I could open a new chapter of getting in super shape. Not to be cool, not to fit in better with all these crazy fit ID moms, not to feel more confident around chubby people. But simply, to feel good about myself.<br />
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Matt gave me a blessing and in it, he said that the Lord was aware of me and knew what I needed even before I knew what I needed for myself. I took comfort in the blessing, figuring that my knee would have a miraculous prognosis at the ortho's office.<br />
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I know the Lord is aware of me, I've had plenty of experiences where that has been PROVEN. I'm just having such a hard time with this. There was no miraculous prognosis, and when I went in today for the MRI, I ended up not getting it. I took a pregnancy test last week and it came back positive. So the radiologist said, "lets put this off just to be safe." The thing is, I haven't been sick so I'm afraid it's going to be yet another miscarriage. 4 miscarriages total. Added to this, our Kent house isn't selling like I was hoping it would.<br />
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If there ever were a time that I could use a good jog to the gym, it'd be now.<br />
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So I'm just trying to figure out that blessing. "The Lord knows what I need before I know."<br />
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Patience? Do I need to learn patience? Did I need to slow down? Cherish my kids better? I have definitely learned that I took my 8 pregnancies for granted, that's for sure! <br />
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I've been struggling with "little churchy things" lately. Are these experiences to help me understand to put those pesky thoughts to rest?<br />
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I don't know. I don't have an answer. <br />
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But I know I will get one. Life can be difficult. I am so very aware that my "difficult" may seem like child's play when compared to others' "difficult" but it's still hard. Last Sunday in Sunday School, we were discussing Nephi and his travels and how he reacted to hard things. Even his father, the prophet, who had seen visions and spoke with the Lord, murmured at one time. He didn't murmur when he had to move his family out of their city. He didn't murmur when he had to send his 4 sons back TWICE to that city. He didn't murmur when he realized he'd be crossing the ocean. He murmured when food became scarce. Which makes ma laugh a little. Going hungry does seem to make me cranky. Point being, we all have our breaking points, we all react differently to different trials. <br />
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But then I think about Nephi, how he sorta got the raw end of the deal. Always having to deal with his rebellious brothers who hated him. Always taking the "upper road." I mean, he even spent the rest of his life knowing that his posterity would eventually become extinct. Yet, the blessings he was given, or better yet, the blessings that I've even been given because of him, are endless. Had he not built that boat, I wouldn't have the Book of Mormon today. <br />
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Wow, this blog took a crazy turn. :) Didn't mean to go down this road.<br />
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I've just got to figure out my attitude towards everything. Lately, it's been pretty crappy to say the least. Somehow, I need to pull myself out of this funk. After writing this, actually, I feel better!Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-7616373893036514222015-06-11T09:10:00.002-07:002015-06-11T09:11:58.115-07:00Sick of the crapI just read this article asking people to sign a petition meant for the president of BYU, stating that BYU needed to grant religious freedom to members who left the church. I'm not sure of all the facts behind this petition, but it stirred some serious emotions in me as I read it.<br />
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I'm just sick of the crap.<br />
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At 41, I can better sympathize with members who go inactive. I can better sympathize with Laman and Lemuel. I can better sympathize with those leaders and members who left the church when it was first being RESTORED in the latter days. I can better sympathize with those members who, in the Book of Mormon times, were angry and left the church. I really can. I have personally been struggling with and having lots of questions regarding the church. I really have. And my all time favorite friends are, or rather my "bffs" tend to be ladies in the church who are not afraid of admitting that they too, have questions and struggle with some things.<br />
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What we also have in common is a core testimony that our world needs and HAS a prophet. A man who talks with God, just like Moses, Abraham, Noah, Elijah, Samuel, Eli, Joseph (coat of many colors), Peter, etc. Men who did not aspire to be prophets, but were called by God, to be prophets. To talk with Him and share what He wants the rest of the people to know.<br />
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Most prophets in the Bible were rejected, ignored or made fun of by the people. How many jumped in the boat that Noah made? What ended up happening to Peter? Why did it take Moses 40 years to reach the land the Lord had chosen for the Israelites? <br />
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Joseph Smith was ALSO called by God to be a prophet. His treatment by the people was no different than previous prophets. Some loved him, some hated him, and some even killed him. <br />
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And this is when the rubber hits the road for me. I do have my questions, I do have my complaints, I do have my "issues", but I'm not going to "knock down my stone wall" because of them. The stone wall referring to testimony of the Gospel. Every stone wall ever built is different. Every testimony is different. We each are building our own stone walls. Some stones may not properly fit for the time being, so I just put it down and find others that do fit to build my wall. Eventually I will find where that "confusing" stone goes. But just because I have 1, 2, maybe even 10 or 20 stones that don't "fit" right now, doesn't mean I knock my wall down. <br />
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Bottom line is, the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true. We do have a prophet to lead us. He speaks with God and then shares those words with us. That's the church in a nutshell for me. The knowledge that just like prophets in the Old Testament, in the New Testament, and Book of Mormon, we have modern day prophets that lead and guide us. It's a LUCKY thing!<br />
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I'm so sick and tired of people leaving the church and then bashing it. I guess it's bound to happen. It happened in ancient days. Heck, Christ was eventually crucified. Many times I can totally sympathize with how a person "began" the slippery slope of inactivity. And then I can see so clearly how satan traps them. I have to admit, that is why I get so scared for myself because I can see how easily it could happen to me. I pray every day, well, more like talk in my head every second of the day, to Heavenly Father, because I don't want to become blinded by satan. I love Heavenly Father, I love Jesus Christ, and I have been blessed with a testimony that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is Christ's church, RESTORED in these latter days. <br />
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Nothing made me madder when my MIL told my husband that she questioned my commitment to the Gospel. It's that kind of crap that I hate about members of the church. But that's the thing, MEMBERS can be idiots, they can be bigots, they can hypocrites, they can be judgmental double standard ass holes, but it doesn't change the fact Joseph Smith saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. It doesn't change the fact that ancient prophets in the Americas kept records of their conversations with Jesus and their dealings with their people. It doesn't change the fact that the ancient prophet Moroni took those records, buried them in the ground, and then, centuries later, appeared to Joseph Smith, and showed him where he buried those records. It doesn't change the fact that Joseph Smith translated those records from Ancient Egyptian to English so we could read them. It doesn't change the fact that today, Thomas S. Monson is our prophet.<br />
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So no, I'm not going to sign that stupid petition. No, I'm not going to jump on the "women should have the priesthood" bandwagon. The prophet hasn't given the green light on these things. <br />
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I will however embrace my identity and embrace my free agency. I'll dress modestly (MY DEFINITION) I'll keep the Word of Wisdom (MY DEFINITION) I'll keep the Sabbath Day (MY DEFINITION) I'll be a member missionary (MY DEFINITION) I'll stand for truth and righteousness (MY DEFINITION) <br />
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The Gospel is actually very simple, very liberating. I hope and pray my children grow to understand this. And stay firm in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-22136804756279629812015-05-30T09:27:00.000-07:002015-05-30T09:27:03.470-07:00He's 13 today!Wow, can't believe he's 13! It was yesterday that he was born. His birth marked the start of "no more epidurals" for me. After he was born, around 5AM, I remember holding him then saying to Matt, "you better take him." I passed out right then and there and woke up later on that day, only to learn that he was in the NICU because he had quit breathing 3 different times and had to be resuscitated. They found absolutely nothing wrong with him. I KNEW it was because of my epidural. Laboring and delivering Colby with the epidural was a nightmare. Dallin's experience made that nightmare seem like a daydream, so I committed to never have another epidural again.<br />
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This experience totally typifies who Dallin is today. Anytime he's hit with a challenge, he takes it head on and comes out on top. Every. Time!<br />
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He was born clubfoot. Had to have surgery to correct it. He quickly learned how to walk anyways, so early that funny-not-so-funny-more-dumb-than-anything-else people would ask, "oh, does he want to be a ballerina?" I guess it's funnier now. He had to have surgery and quickly figured out walking again, only this time casted. Nothing kept that boy down!<br />
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Today he's no different. I love it! <br />
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He's such an easy kid to raise. Obedient, eager to please, ready to get done what needs to be done (maybe so he can BE DONE) :) He does great in school, excels in sports, and makes friends with the neatest of kids! I love his humor. The other day, a crazy old lady (like for reals, cah-RAY-zee) approached him and Colby whilst they were kicking the soccer ball in the field. It got near her dogs and she said, "I will kill you if you hurt my dogs! I will put your head on a plate!" Dallin said to Colby and me later on, in a very "preacher preaching" type voice, "that lady needs the GOSPEL in her life!" then started giggling at his own joke. Once an old man cussed me out while he was biking and I was driving and as soon as he biked away, Dallin started laughing sooo hard. He thought it was the funniest thing ever!<br />
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I'm thinking only crazy old people live here.<br />
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One thing that's never mentioned about him is his love for instruments. He plays the clarinet but when we moved here, switched to the bass clarinet. He's taught himself how to play the saxophone now and is playing around on my flute. That's my mom's dad coming out in him. He was quite the musician. I see that in Dallin, too.<br />
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He still has plans to be an MLS player. He could do it. He's mentally very strong. A few years ago, when I asked him "what's your plan 'B' if that doesn't work out?" he said, "No plan B, cuz that means I might not do it." Now, however, he does have a plan 'B'. Lawyer. Not sure where that came from, but we'll see where that goes. <br />
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I love my chats with him. I love listening to his plans, I love laughing at his jokes. I love his random hugs he gives me. A little while ago I mentioned to the kids the importance of saying thanks and showing gratitude. Now he's always thanking me. I love his humility in accepting guidance and putting it into action. I love his motivation, how he just doesn't let negative things get the best of him. <br />
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I'm so blessed to be his mom. He makes me look like I know what I'm doing as a parent. Quite honestly, anyone could parent him. He's such a good person. He'd make any parent look like they know what they're doing. I just get to be the lucky one. <br />
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Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4191186236162289780.post-87834162355163927902015-05-04T23:46:00.000-07:002015-05-04T23:46:23.189-07:00Kindness begins with meIt's a song, not sure of the title, but one of the phrases is, "Kindness begins with me."<br />
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So the past little while I've been struggling with negative thoughts. Resentment, bitterness, hatred. And it's kinda getting me down. Yes, I know where those thoughts come from, yes I know it's such a waste of time, yes, I know about the hot coal analogy and I know about how we're supposed to forgive. I know all these things. I have implored Heavenly Father to take this burden from me. I've tried to apply the Atonement.<br />
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But when it hits as close to home as my stuff hits, the Sunday school answers just don't cut it. <br />
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So I thought, "maybe I'll just blog about some of the people who I know and why I like them." <br />
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So here goes. First name and last name initial only. I'll write 50. Order doesn't really matter.<br />
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"Hedder" P. ~ Hilarious and we talk on the phone 1-10 times a day. I couldn't do anything w/o her.<br />
Missy G. ~ Hilarious and she can read my mind. We finish each others thoughts. She's my twin. You have taught me how to be a better person.<br />
Mildred H. ~ When I have any problems, I call her. We think the same. She's always right! :)<br />
Laura D. ~ So easy to be with. So crafty. So accepting of everyone.<br />
Adaline W. ~ Girl. Is. Funny. And beautiful. She's a rock.<br />
Rachel S. ~ I get her. Anytime we're together, we laugh!<br />
Shirley L. ~ She may be 20 years older than I am, but we laugh like 12 year olds together!<br />
Jennifer V. ~ My guardian angel here on Earth. Things she'd do for me, let me know God was aware of me.<br />
Jessica B. ~ Don't know each other well, but I have always been captivated by your beauty. You have gorgeous eyes girlfriend! <br />
Ashley S. ~ We've had some long email chats. You've been there for me in ways you don't even know. <br />
Chantel Z. ~ I will always love your daughter!<br />
Laura J. ~ My girls want you to be their mom and I love your boys!!!<br />
Patty C. ~ You're the coolest woman around. I feel super special that I get to call you friend.<br />
Angela M. ~ My trainer. I named my daughter after you. People would see the strength of our friendship and be opened to talking about the Gospel with us. You're my hero.<br />
Tamara M. ~ My 1st friend at BYU. So non-judgmental And ALWAYS laughing.<br />
Selena K. ~ Laughing. Always laughing with you!<br />
Tamara A. ~ My precious roommate. So witty, so athletic, so funny!!!<br />
Sue K. ~ My soccer mamma. Soccer is just not the same with out you! Together, we had all the answers!<br />
Kindra J. ~ One. Hot. Mamma. And one of the most tender hearted people I know. <br />
Emily J. ~ Gorgeous. Faithful. Steadfast. Determined.<br />
Cindy B. ~ So kind and hugest thing that sticks out? You are one. Awesome. Photographer.<br />
Jodi B. ~ Hilarious. So hilarious. And someone I feel so comfortable being myself around!<br />
Renee F. ~ My mini-me. Oh how I love your wit and humor! You filled my high school years w/so many fun memories!<br />
April L. ~ "Apes." You filled my childhood w/so many fun memories. You always made me laugh. You still do!<br />
Kris P. ~ I am jealous of your wit and social skills. You have skills girl! And your insights are super wise and dead on!<br />
Rachel H. ~ My crafty one. You're Matt's twin actually. I was just really getting to know you when we left. I'd laugh so hard with you, mainly cuz you're so quite, but say the funniest things!<br />
Tamara H. ~ I simply love you. I love your kids. I love our friendship. I love your practicality.<br />
Evelyn N. ~ You were most of my kids' first teacher. And they all love school. I credit you with that. And oh how I miss chatting with you!!<br />
Lynda S. ~ Basketball brought us together, preschool and my kids strengthened our friendship. I love your wisdom.<br />
Stephanie W. ~ I sucked at VT-ing you. Yet the entire time I lived there, I craved getting to know you better!<br />
Shelly G. ~ Oh girl, where do I start? When we first met we couldn't stop chatting together!<br />
Andrea W. ~ Our girls brought us together. I think if we had stayed neighbors, we'd have grown inseparable. You're so easy to talk to!<br />
Sue L. ~ I'm actually glad your dog bit me. I still have the scar! It's my tattoo of remembrance of you! I love how welcomed you always made me feel. You made me feel special!<br />
Colleen C. ~ I seriously see you as a rock. You are strong, immovable, confident, and kind. <br />
Simona H. ~ I'll never forget the cake you brought me. You're one of the most thoughtful people I know!<br />
Tiffany C. ~ I love your sense of adventure and your confidence to go forward with ANYTHING! I love that about you!!<br />
Megan C. ~ Simply put, I love your dedication to your kids!<br />
Beth S. ~ We don't know each other super well, but you're one of the most beautiful people I know and holy cow you have a beautiful family!<br />
Lisa F. ~ You're the first person I met when we moved to VA. I remember the day we met. I immediately loved your humor and down to earthiness'. (sp?) I always loved being around you!<br />
Paige M. ~ Oh my goodness. How I love you. What I miss the most is you driving up to my house and all my kids running out to your car. I miss your hugs. You are the definition of strength and kindness.<br />
Valenice C. ~ You're so wise. So funny. So diligent! I miss hearing your laugh!<br />
Kristin B. ~ I love your honesty. I love the giggles we had together!<br />
Alicia G. ~ Basketball. Photo shoots. You mothering my babies. I love how you always have the strength to do what's RIGHT!<br />
Doris L. ~ What an example you are to me of working hard and working hard for your family!<br />
Maria H. ~ My favorite memory? Walking together! I love your tenacity and your confidence! From singing from the pulpit to opening a restaurant! You are an example of going forward!<br />
Heather H. ~ Silently going about your business, being awesome at everything!!!<br />
Heather M. ~ Beautiful as always, but what I love most about you is how giving you are.<br />
Dani L. ~ When we do get together, I always LOVE our talks. You are a very fun person to chat with and I know I can talk about anything w/you!<br />
Stephanie L. ~ We don't get together much; we need to more. But really, anytime we do, I always think, "I could totally live near her!"<br />
Kristina L. ~ The greatest thing I love about you? Your mothering. Your kids are lucky to have you.<br />
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OK, that was 50. That was fun!!! It helped for me to see what draws me to people. I see that most of my friends here are funny! I guess I like to laugh! :)<br />
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Stay tuned! I think I'm gonna do this some more!<br />
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Mother 25 - 8http://www.blogger.com/profile/02041557863978787186noreply@blogger.com2