It's been a while. Too long! Lots has happened in our home over the past few months.
We had a family friend, Joe, stay with us for about 3 months. That was seriously so fun. He's 18, so an older brother to the kids. He took this role nicely and actually helped to make the house even happier. The kids all loved him here and when he left, there were some heavy hearts. Mine included. He went back to VA to be with his peeps, but the time here was priceless. Love you Joe!!
4 weeks ago I had surgery to give me a new ACL (which I had torn playing bball a couple of years ago) and to fix my meniscus.
If any of you reading this has a jacked up knee and needs surgery to fix it ... DO IT! Here's why.
20 years ago I did the same thing to my left knee playing soccer. I blew out my knee completely. Had what people call the "unhappy triade." It sucked. Surgery sucked. Physical therapy was forever. I had crutches for weeks, a brace for months, and I had chewed through half my bottle of pain killers before I was able to go to regular Tylenol.
It was a nightmare.
So when I found myself in the surgery center, cap and gown, ready to have another go at it (my other knee this time) I was ... floored. How'd I get myself back into this again??? And a bit frustrated knowing the road to recovery would be long and arduous. But I had to do it. I even felt compelled to get my knee fixed.
My last memory was walking with the nurse to the operating room, seeing the anesthesiologist and 2 nurses, and my "bed." It oddly felt like going to execution table. I laid in the bed, freezing. That room is an ice box. Last thing I heard a nurse say was, "we'll get you warm."
Then it was, "the surgery is over Erika."
I had some weird reaction I remember. I was rhythmically slamming my arms down beside myself, then fold them across my chest, then slam them down again. I can remember that. And I couldn't stop.
They gave me Benadryhl. SOOO random! Benadryhl. Apparently it worked though.
ANYWAYS!
Long story short. It's 4 weeks today from my surgery. Guess what I did today? I went on a 6 mile bike ride and did a short pilates workout. And I can bend my knee so that my heel can ALMOST touch my bum and straighten my leg to where the back of my knee HITS the floor. Oh, and I only had 3 painkillers the entire time!
CRAZY!
I'm walking not only without a brace, but almost without a limp!!
Night and day from 20 years ago!
Point I'm making is ... medical technology has improved by leaps and bounds over the past 20 years ago! When I went in for my post op, my doctor basically told me that if I were to resume my regular activities (running, bball, soccer, racquetball, etc) I would need a total knee replacement in about 20 years.
Bring. It. ON! In 20 years it'll either be the 2nd Coming anyways or if not, a knee replacement will entail a dab of lavender essential oils or some quick sprinkling of glitter or something.
So. If you need an ACL repair and aren't really wanting to. Do it. You'll be sooo glad you did! Big girl is gonna be back to playing some big girl bball in a few months!!! I can't WAIT!
Lets see. What else besides the knee?
Kids are doing great. Gosh I love being a mom. Repeat, I love being a mom. I didn't say "I rock being a mom" nor did I say, "Being a mom is easy" or "I finally figured out my role as a mom" or anything along those lines. I just love my kids. They're all so different, all so funny. All so freaking head strong. I'm not here to mother them. They hardly listen to me. I'm just here tell them everything I know, make sure they know how to clean, remind them to brush their teeth, and hug them.
I drop them off to school and they do their thing. And I simply pray that they ... make decisions that will make the world a better place for all those who meet them.
Gideon does this. Every single day.
You know what I dislike? When people refer to Gideon as having problems, being handicapped, special needs. I'm not being overly sensitive. Heck, people can say "retarded" around me and it doesn't phase me in the least.
Because I literally see Gideon as nothing but great. Just like I see all my kids. They're great. ALL have imperfections, but all are great. Gideon has his greatness and his imperfections in different areas than the rest of the kids. But at the same times, my oldest has his greatness and imperfections in different areas than the rest of the kids.
Do you see the point I'm trying to make?
Gideon may not kick a ball as hard as his brothers, but he can make a room erupt in laughter faster than anyone else. That's why I feel like Gideon most perfectly completes our family. It's like, every single gap is filled with him. He softens his siblings like no other. His siblings make him scream and race through the house like no other. If there's ANY yelling in the house, Gideon cries and everyone rushes over to comfort him. It turns into a laugh fest.
OK, I'm getting super tired. I'm working on a quilt now. I can't WAIT to see it done! It's going to a dear friend in VA. I can't wait for her to get it. It's gonna be the biggest quilt I've ever made. I love this lady so much. I can't wait!
Thursday, October 26, 2017
Friday, May 19, 2017
Lessons at the pool
We're a family of soccer, pool, church, fun, and arguments. Plain and simple.
The other day I was chatting with a friend, Kris. We got to talking about Gideon. And I shared with her something I feel like I need to share here.
The summer before Gideon was born was, to put it mildly, H.O.T. It was even too hot to go to the pool sometimes. But we'd go. Of course.
I remember one specific family that summer. It was a couple with a younger daughter, maybe 10? She had SOMETHING going on. Cerebral palsy? Autism? I don't know. But I can specifically remember always seeing them at the pool and always watching them.
I weird mom watched that couple with the girl. They would carry her in the pool, letting her lie on her back and float and swirl her in the water. There was so much love and concern for their daughter. What hit me most was the thought, "that little girl has bonded her family stronger than most families." You could tell her parents were 100% invested in her, which made them invested in one another. What also hit me was, "that little girl was a very elite and valiant and special spirit, so her mission here on Earth is a protected albeit powerful one." And I was hit with the realization that her parents were, as well, strong and mighty spirits who came to Earth to help this elite spirit experience mortality, in her complicated body.
Strength. It was strength that I saw most in this family. From the daughter, from the father, and ESPECIALLY her mother.
And I felt respect and admiration for this family.
And as I rubbed my belly, knowing I was carrying a boy who was, as per his ultrasound, perfectly healthy, I thought, "That's great for them, but that's just not for me."
You see, I'm not cut out for that kind of a life. I was almost strangled by a guy with special needs when I was 7, so I grew up fearful of any and all folks that were "handicap." I never could have a normal and comfortable conversation with someone with special needs. Or with their parents even. They were all on a different level from me. I recognized they were on higher levels even. But quite frankly, a level I had zero interest in. Zero.
When Gideon was diagnosed with Trisomy 21, my world stopped. It stopped spinning. But it only stopped because it needed start to spin in another direction.
I IMMEDIATELY recognized the powerful spirit that is Gideon and that resides in his perfect little body. I also IMMEDIATELY recognized the love and trust that both he and our Heavenly Father have in me, to take care of Gideon here on Earth. And what I recognized even sooner, and feel every single day, is the KNOWLEDGE that Gideon and I were very, very, VERY close in the pre-life. Every time I hold him, my spirit burns inside. My spirit recognizes Gideon. It's such a powerful feeling.
And I am warming up to the truth that, just like that mother who I watched from a quiet distance, I too am strength. I saw her strong spirit as she held her daughter in the pool. Her fiercely loyal spirit. The past almost 15 months, I am learning that I have a strength that I simply didn't recognize before. The strength to do what is right for Gideon. For all my children. The strength to question doctors and therapists. The strength to clearly recognize for my children, the Lord's hand in their lives. The strength to feel comfortable with other "severely elite spirits and their moms." And most importantly, the strength to change.
Gideon gets me. He understands people. He's interested in his siblings. He's loving and patient and happy and kind.
If we're going to label Gideon as being "handicap" or a child with "special needs", I would suggest we are ALL handicap or we ALL have special needs. My world spins in another direction as I recognize that I actually have more issues than my son! I'm prideful, I'm impatient, I don't do everything I say I'm going to do. I have a hard time forgiving. I can blow people off. And as I recognize this about myself and SEE this as a handicap, I'm humbled. I'm softer. And it makes me more accepting of others.
Oh my gosh how Gideon has opened up a new level of life. And new sphere that was always there but that I never, ever, EVER recognized before!
And then it hits me. I have now joined in the ranks of parents who, in my mind, years ago, were "at that level" that I wasn't cut out for. And I realize it's not about being "cut out for." It's all about being gifted the KEY to that level to open the door to experience life in a way that REALLY lets you experience life.
Having a child with Down Syndrome is a gift. From Heavenly Father.
The other day I was chatting with a friend, Kris. We got to talking about Gideon. And I shared with her something I feel like I need to share here.
The summer before Gideon was born was, to put it mildly, H.O.T. It was even too hot to go to the pool sometimes. But we'd go. Of course.
I remember one specific family that summer. It was a couple with a younger daughter, maybe 10? She had SOMETHING going on. Cerebral palsy? Autism? I don't know. But I can specifically remember always seeing them at the pool and always watching them.
I weird mom watched that couple with the girl. They would carry her in the pool, letting her lie on her back and float and swirl her in the water. There was so much love and concern for their daughter. What hit me most was the thought, "that little girl has bonded her family stronger than most families." You could tell her parents were 100% invested in her, which made them invested in one another. What also hit me was, "that little girl was a very elite and valiant and special spirit, so her mission here on Earth is a protected albeit powerful one." And I was hit with the realization that her parents were, as well, strong and mighty spirits who came to Earth to help this elite spirit experience mortality, in her complicated body.
Strength. It was strength that I saw most in this family. From the daughter, from the father, and ESPECIALLY her mother.
And I felt respect and admiration for this family.
And as I rubbed my belly, knowing I was carrying a boy who was, as per his ultrasound, perfectly healthy, I thought, "That's great for them, but that's just not for me."
You see, I'm not cut out for that kind of a life. I was almost strangled by a guy with special needs when I was 7, so I grew up fearful of any and all folks that were "handicap." I never could have a normal and comfortable conversation with someone with special needs. Or with their parents even. They were all on a different level from me. I recognized they were on higher levels even. But quite frankly, a level I had zero interest in. Zero.
When Gideon was diagnosed with Trisomy 21, my world stopped. It stopped spinning. But it only stopped because it needed start to spin in another direction.
I IMMEDIATELY recognized the powerful spirit that is Gideon and that resides in his perfect little body. I also IMMEDIATELY recognized the love and trust that both he and our Heavenly Father have in me, to take care of Gideon here on Earth. And what I recognized even sooner, and feel every single day, is the KNOWLEDGE that Gideon and I were very, very, VERY close in the pre-life. Every time I hold him, my spirit burns inside. My spirit recognizes Gideon. It's such a powerful feeling.
And I am warming up to the truth that, just like that mother who I watched from a quiet distance, I too am strength. I saw her strong spirit as she held her daughter in the pool. Her fiercely loyal spirit. The past almost 15 months, I am learning that I have a strength that I simply didn't recognize before. The strength to do what is right for Gideon. For all my children. The strength to question doctors and therapists. The strength to clearly recognize for my children, the Lord's hand in their lives. The strength to feel comfortable with other "severely elite spirits and their moms." And most importantly, the strength to change.
Gideon gets me. He understands people. He's interested in his siblings. He's loving and patient and happy and kind.
If we're going to label Gideon as being "handicap" or a child with "special needs", I would suggest we are ALL handicap or we ALL have special needs. My world spins in another direction as I recognize that I actually have more issues than my son! I'm prideful, I'm impatient, I don't do everything I say I'm going to do. I have a hard time forgiving. I can blow people off. And as I recognize this about myself and SEE this as a handicap, I'm humbled. I'm softer. And it makes me more accepting of others.
Oh my gosh how Gideon has opened up a new level of life. And new sphere that was always there but that I never, ever, EVER recognized before!
And then it hits me. I have now joined in the ranks of parents who, in my mind, years ago, were "at that level" that I wasn't cut out for. And I realize it's not about being "cut out for." It's all about being gifted the KEY to that level to open the door to experience life in a way that REALLY lets you experience life.
Having a child with Down Syndrome is a gift. From Heavenly Father.
Sunday, February 26, 2017
He's 1!
So I really don't know what to write. It's just been a good day.
Last week I got to go to VA. VA is quite easily, my "home." When I was there I felt like I fit into the area just like a puzzle piece. So many times I was saying, "I can't believe I'm back here!" Being with my friends and coming into step with them, synched perfectly, like I had never left, was SO COMFORTING. There are, without a doubt, people you associated with, laughed with, BONDED with, in the pre-life and meeting back up with them is simply nothing short of a blessing and tender mercy from Heavenly Father. I'm lucky that I get to enjoy mortal friendships with people who I bonded with before this life. It's a blessing.
When I came back, I could tell that Gideon couldn't quite "place" me. He acted like, "I know I should know this lady, but HOW?!" We're back to our old ways though. His eyes on me the entire time I'm in the same room with him and if someone's holding him and I'm close by, he turns towards me, leans towards me, and lifts his arms ever so slightly. And I get him and we both get all happy and kissy ;)
There's something that came to mind the other day. Gideon has seriously dulled the "bad" that's in me. He's softened me. He's relaxed me. Simply put, Gideon has made me a better person and has made our family kinder. If every family had a member with down syndrome, that family would just be better. If every family in a society was made "better", think of what would happen to said society?
The thought came to me then, "the society who welcomed and cherished their members with down syndrome would be a better society. And would thus create a nation that was a super power."
Babies with Trisomy 21 need to stop being aborted. It's like eating the meat but tossing the marrow-rich bone. Eating the avocado but tossing the nutrient packed seed. Not many people get the value in bone marrow or in the avocado seed. But those who DO, those who know how to cook with marrow rich bones or know how to access the goodness found in the avocado seed, THEY'RE the ones who are healthier, better off. Education's the obvious key.
Which is why, again, I want the world to know Gideon. I want to educate doctors and nurses. They need to be able to give the news of "you're expecting a baby with Trisomy 21" with excitement and even reverenced awe. Expectant mothers and fathers need to know that they just won the golden ticket. They were just blessed to get a NEW normal which would open their eyes, minds, and hearts to so much understanding you simply couldn't get any other way.
I know I'll touch upon this topic again, but I'm exhausted. It's been a good day. Just wanted to say that what this all boils down to is this.
Gideon is a gift.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
10 mos old
I don't know what it's going to be like to have a child with downs. I don't know what it's going to be like to have a teenager with downs. I don't know what it's going to be like to have an adult with downs.
But I do know what it's like to have a baby with downs.
Gideon thus far has been an absolute joy. He's love. He's smiles. He's relaxed. He's low stress. He's calm. He's self entertaining.
He comforts. He's "chill-lax." He's infectious. He communicates.
He's perfection.
When he's happy, like really happy, he's does this "booty-scooting" thing, minus the actual scoot. Just rocking. When he's meeting someone for the first time, he stares. They will not get a smile. He's just studying. If he's more shy, he'll put his head down and find the floor to be uber interesting. If he wants you to pick him up, he every so slightly raises his arms. He's learned that it's all he needs to do.
If he's WAY excited, he'll boot-scoot AND clap AND put his head down, then up again, then down and have this amazingly cute/funny/hilarious smile. If he's frustrated, he wipes his face with his tiny fingered hand. If he's tired, he whines.
If he sees me, it doesn't matter what he's doing, he won't take his eyes off me. My kids will at times tell me to NOT come around Gideon cuz he's laughing and playing with them and they know if he sees me, he'll simply, get distracted.
What a ginormous ego boost he is to me! ;)
I get so much done with Gideon because he's just happy to be playing at my side. He loves playing with my fabric scraps. He loves playing with paper and those envelopes with the plastic windows. That sound really gets him.
I was Facetime talking to my brother Samuel this AM and Samuel goes, "Let Gideon meet my puppy!"
Have you seen "Bedtime Stories" with Adam Sandler? That guinea pig and Samuel's puppy have twinner eyeballs. Gideon HAD been staring at Samuel but when eyeballs came into view, Gideon just looked away. He looked down, he buried his face in my arms. Samuel and I were laughing so hard. Gideon doesn't like large eyeballs apparently! ;)
He's who the kids ask for first thing in the AM, even on school days. "Is Gideon awake?" If he is, they get so excited and he responds with smiles.
A favorite activity is letting him "attack". They'll put their head in his face and he'll grab hair and try and "eat" their faces. Oh my gosh!! Kids will have scratch marks on their face from his nails where he's grabbing so hard to "eat" them, but they'll be laughing soooo hard. And there's Gideon, just looking around, happy with the reactions he's caused.
Needless to say, Gideon is fun. He's a literal piece of Heaven in my home. I look at him and seriously don't see "down syndrome" but rather, I look at him and think, "I can't believe I get you!" I say that all the time!
The kids are forever telling him and each other how "popular" Gideon will be when he's in high school. They're already talking about whether or not he'll play basketball or wrestle. He's definitely gonna play soccer. They want to see him run track.
I absolutely love and am so grateful for the immense BOND my kids have with this child.
YEARS ago I heard a father say, regarding his daughter who had ... something. It wasn't downs but she was non-verbal and walked around and just stared. I can't remember what it was, but anyways, he said, "The best way to raise your teens is with a sibling with special needs."
I remember believing him but wishing I hadn't heard him say that because I wanted nothing to do with having a child with any type of "special needs." More recently, when I was pregnant with child number 7, I was playing the piano for a Primary program. I was super super SUPER nervous, but had a calming experience. I literally felt, right beside me, the presence of 2 kids. A girl who simply brought me calm and comfort, and next to her was a small boy. He was smiling and I had this feeling that he was just ALWAYS happy.
I told Matt that I thought #7 wasn't going to be our last because I felt "a girl comfort me." I purposefully left out the 9th child. For 2 reasons. I couldn't believe we'd actually have NINE kids and his joy actually scared me because I thought, "would he have down syndrome?" Because down's kids are known for their constant happiness. I thought, "that's just my weird thinking cuz I can't stop having kids so we'll cross that bridge when we come to it." And, "I don't want any kids that aren't "perfectly healthy, across the board."
Yes, my honest thoughts.
Now that I've been REUNITED with Gideon, I realize REALLY how LUCKY. No, not lucky, but rather BLESSED BEYOND COMPARE that he's mine. And I'm his.
I can tell that Gideon was an elite before this life. He was one of Heavenly Father's most valiant, noble and wise. And we were close!!! I was bonded, before this life, with someone so valiant, noble and wise that he gets Heavenly Father's protection here on Earth. He can't be tempted by the devil. He's divinely protected. I walked with and had very personal relations with this type of spirit and we get to be together again here on Earth.
I'm so grateful for this knowledge and for knowing it's true.
Now what do I have my sights set on? I want to adopt a baby with down syndrome. Maybe even more than one. Because they are Heaven on Earth and I want to be an active and intimate part of that.
I want the world to know Gideon and I want the stigma around trisomy-21 to be a positive, exciting one. Because Gideon is pure positive. He's pure exciting. He's pure joy. He's pure love. He's pure.
But I do know what it's like to have a baby with downs.
Gideon thus far has been an absolute joy. He's love. He's smiles. He's relaxed. He's low stress. He's calm. He's self entertaining.
He comforts. He's "chill-lax." He's infectious. He communicates.
He's perfection.
When he's happy, like really happy, he's does this "booty-scooting" thing, minus the actual scoot. Just rocking. When he's meeting someone for the first time, he stares. They will not get a smile. He's just studying. If he's more shy, he'll put his head down and find the floor to be uber interesting. If he wants you to pick him up, he every so slightly raises his arms. He's learned that it's all he needs to do.
If he's WAY excited, he'll boot-scoot AND clap AND put his head down, then up again, then down and have this amazingly cute/funny/hilarious smile. If he's frustrated, he wipes his face with his tiny fingered hand. If he's tired, he whines.
If he sees me, it doesn't matter what he's doing, he won't take his eyes off me. My kids will at times tell me to NOT come around Gideon cuz he's laughing and playing with them and they know if he sees me, he'll simply, get distracted.
What a ginormous ego boost he is to me! ;)
I get so much done with Gideon because he's just happy to be playing at my side. He loves playing with my fabric scraps. He loves playing with paper and those envelopes with the plastic windows. That sound really gets him.
I was Facetime talking to my brother Samuel this AM and Samuel goes, "Let Gideon meet my puppy!"
Have you seen "Bedtime Stories" with Adam Sandler? That guinea pig and Samuel's puppy have twinner eyeballs. Gideon HAD been staring at Samuel but when eyeballs came into view, Gideon just looked away. He looked down, he buried his face in my arms. Samuel and I were laughing so hard. Gideon doesn't like large eyeballs apparently! ;)
He's who the kids ask for first thing in the AM, even on school days. "Is Gideon awake?" If he is, they get so excited and he responds with smiles.
A favorite activity is letting him "attack". They'll put their head in his face and he'll grab hair and try and "eat" their faces. Oh my gosh!! Kids will have scratch marks on their face from his nails where he's grabbing so hard to "eat" them, but they'll be laughing soooo hard. And there's Gideon, just looking around, happy with the reactions he's caused.
Needless to say, Gideon is fun. He's a literal piece of Heaven in my home. I look at him and seriously don't see "down syndrome" but rather, I look at him and think, "I can't believe I get you!" I say that all the time!
The kids are forever telling him and each other how "popular" Gideon will be when he's in high school. They're already talking about whether or not he'll play basketball or wrestle. He's definitely gonna play soccer. They want to see him run track.
I absolutely love and am so grateful for the immense BOND my kids have with this child.
YEARS ago I heard a father say, regarding his daughter who had ... something. It wasn't downs but she was non-verbal and walked around and just stared. I can't remember what it was, but anyways, he said, "The best way to raise your teens is with a sibling with special needs."
I remember believing him but wishing I hadn't heard him say that because I wanted nothing to do with having a child with any type of "special needs." More recently, when I was pregnant with child number 7, I was playing the piano for a Primary program. I was super super SUPER nervous, but had a calming experience. I literally felt, right beside me, the presence of 2 kids. A girl who simply brought me calm and comfort, and next to her was a small boy. He was smiling and I had this feeling that he was just ALWAYS happy.
I told Matt that I thought #7 wasn't going to be our last because I felt "a girl comfort me." I purposefully left out the 9th child. For 2 reasons. I couldn't believe we'd actually have NINE kids and his joy actually scared me because I thought, "would he have down syndrome?" Because down's kids are known for their constant happiness. I thought, "that's just my weird thinking cuz I can't stop having kids so we'll cross that bridge when we come to it." And, "I don't want any kids that aren't "perfectly healthy, across the board."
Yes, my honest thoughts.
Now that I've been REUNITED with Gideon, I realize REALLY how LUCKY. No, not lucky, but rather BLESSED BEYOND COMPARE that he's mine. And I'm his.
I can tell that Gideon was an elite before this life. He was one of Heavenly Father's most valiant, noble and wise. And we were close!!! I was bonded, before this life, with someone so valiant, noble and wise that he gets Heavenly Father's protection here on Earth. He can't be tempted by the devil. He's divinely protected. I walked with and had very personal relations with this type of spirit and we get to be together again here on Earth.
I'm so grateful for this knowledge and for knowing it's true.
Now what do I have my sights set on? I want to adopt a baby with down syndrome. Maybe even more than one. Because they are Heaven on Earth and I want to be an active and intimate part of that.
I want the world to know Gideon and I want the stigma around trisomy-21 to be a positive, exciting one. Because Gideon is pure positive. He's pure exciting. He's pure joy. He's pure love. He's pure.
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
The strength that comes with Gideon
On August 4th we left our kids with my parents and took Gideon to Sacred Heart to get his pre-op testing done in preparation for his big horking open heart surgery on the 5th. They told us to plan for 5-10 days. I planned for 2 weeks. The day went smoothly. The hospital had some deal with the Madison Inn where we only had to pay $10 to stay in a pretty nice hotel that was just next door to the hospital. I basically took in every minute I had with Gideon. This is a picture I took of Gideon in the hotel that evening with a special shirt a friend of mine made for him sitting in front of an extremely special quilt.
After all his testing and blood drawing (miracle #1 for the day, his blood draw was a 1st time success!) we went back to the hotel. We crossed paths with an older couple who saw Gideon's O2 and feeding bag and asked, "Heart surgery?" Come to find out, their kid had surgery when he was a baby. He was now in his 30s. I sorta felt like that was Heavenly Father just giving me a little "things will be OK pat on the head" type thing.
We got up around 5AM to get him to the hospital. That was about 1% exciting and 99% horrifying for me. I'm so uber practical. I knew how big of a surgery he was going to get and the practical side of me just trumped the faithful side of me.
I had an interesting experience when his surgeon walked in. He came in just to say hi. He walked over to Gideon and patted Gideon's back and listened to his chest (every single time anyone with a white coat came in, they did that. Listened to his chest.) When he first patted Gideon's heart, I had the strongest feeling of a literal hand over my head, turning my eyes to stare at the surgeon's hands and then the softest yet firmest voice in my mind saying, "Pray for THOSE hands." So I did just that. I stared at his hands and said the most desperate silent prayer, "Heavenly Father, the hands that I'm staring at right now, please guide them through Gideon's surgery. Put Thy hands over those hands and guide them."
Then Dr Warrel left and then his anesthesiologist came with Molly, the nurse who would be with Gideon through the surgery. And they took him.
Matt took this picture. I had started crying already. Gideon was sleeping.
The surgery would be 6 hours. Matt and I sat in the waiting room for a lot of it. I wasn't hungry. We played some card games that a friend gave us and I started knitting. I thought, "I'll knit washcloths while we're at the hospital. See how many I end up with."
While in the waiting room I met a lady who married the kid brother of a guy that my TX friends all had crushes on (well, most of them anyways) back when I was around 14. Small world.
Then God sent me a tender mercy by sending in a mom with her 12 year old son who had down syndrome. He reminded me of what Gideon might be like when he's 12. He had brown hair, Gideon's ears, and a basketball player on his t-shirt. He was on a little lap top. He started giggling and hid his face behind the laptop, whispering stuff to his mom. She looked up and told me, "he thinks you're pretty." Then about 15 seconds later, he whispered something again, giggling. She then said, "now he wants to marry you. He's very fast with the ladies." He started giggling yet again, motioning for his mom to lean in for another set of instructions but this time she said, "you tell her yourself! I aint your wing man!"
Of course it was hilarious, but of course it got me all emotional because I wanted that so badly to be Gideon and me. Gideon a ball player and me telling him I aint his wing man!
15 minutes post the 6 hour mark I started to panic. Yup, I did. Especially when the nurse came in and simply said, "things are great! Still working on him though." WHAT? This was when she was supposed to say they're closing him up.
It would be TWO HOURS later that we'd get that update. Gideon was on the bypass machine for a total of 8 hours when all was said and done. His nurse Ami later told me that when she was told she was getting a baby who was on bypass for 8 hours, she said "I was apprehensive." I found out later on that sometimes babies don't survive the surgery Gideon had. To be grateful actually that he had downs. The saying goes, "you can't kept a downs baby down" in the PICU.
Seeing Gideon for the first time was hard. They had to paralyze him and he had so many tubes coming out of him and wires going into him. But to be honest, as hard as it was, I wasn't emotional. I was relieved.
The next 2 days he was passing with flying colors. I wondered if we'd be out in 5 days, but I had a sense, a feeling, that I needed to just sit back and buckle up.
Long story short, Gideon started going down hill after the 3 days. We ended up at the hospital for a total of 24 days. And in those 24 days, I have to say, I had never before seen God's hand so clearly in my life.
When I was pregnant with Gideon, the adversary worked so hard on me. Harder than I had ever EVER experienced in my entire life. I had the craziest thoughts going through my head, the darkest feelings, the most desperate of days. And then Gideon was born. A spirit so elite in the pre-life that he didn't need to be tested like most of us do here on Earth. And my 24 days in the hospital were filled with so many tender mercies and experiences testifying to me that God exists and loves me, so many "coincidences" that were so incredibly coincidental that you had to believe "there are no such things as coincidences, the Author just chooses to remain anonymous."
A lady from my new ward called me. We had never met but she called because she knew what we were going through and sympathized. "I had a baby who needed heart surgery, we lived here but I had to stay up in Spokane with 3 kids at home. I know exactly what you're going through and my heart just breaks for you." Then she shared with me how, during a certain experience, she was reminded by an impression in her mind, "I have carried you through this."
That struck me so hard.
Because I am sincerely so weak. My trust in Heavenly Father and my faith are so weak. But the Lord doesn't fault me for it. Rather, He has so lovingly placed people in my life these past 6 months who have been His angels. His angels to carry me, to hold my head up, to help me put one foot in front of the other. He'll lead me to people who will say things that I need to hear, He'll give me experiences that prove, with out doubt, that He's aware of Gideon and my feelings.
Heavenly Father is so patiently strengthening me through Gideon. He has put women in my life who have passed through similar and even tougher trials than this one. The strength that I see in these women. In my eyes they stand shoulder to shoulder with those mothers in the Book of Mormon who taught their sons to have faith. These mothers sent their sons into battle. None were lost. The faith and power of these mothers brought about the miracle of "moving mountains." It's a blessing and a privilege to know modern day "mothers of stripling warriors."
I feel so loved by Heavenly Father. I know He's real. I know He answers prayers. I'm a standing witness, proof, that I don't have to have perfect faith in Him or perfect trust for Him to love me. I just need to work at it. I just need to have a desire. He's taken that desire of mine and worked mighty miracles in my life. And as time goes by, I know my faith and trust in Him can grow and grow and strengthen and strengthen.
And I feel so strongly that Gideon will be a big part of that growth and strengthening. I think that's a huge aspect of our eternal relationship. I think Gideon strengthened me in the pre existence. I think he held my hand and led me to greater things than what I could have done on my own. I sense his strength as I hold him. I sense that he's an "older spirit" than me. It's just my privilege that I get to be his earthly mom.
Gideon came home on August 29th. Healthy and well. The doctors are happy with how his heart looks. We're not out of the woods yet, we still have the possibility of another surgery down the road. In the mean time, I know I'll continue to strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father and those angels He's put in my path. And in the mean time, we'll enjoy Gideon. He is an elite spirit and an extremely loved baby.
P.S. I ended up making 12 washcloths
We got up around 5AM to get him to the hospital. That was about 1% exciting and 99% horrifying for me. I'm so uber practical. I knew how big of a surgery he was going to get and the practical side of me just trumped the faithful side of me.
I had an interesting experience when his surgeon walked in. He came in just to say hi. He walked over to Gideon and patted Gideon's back and listened to his chest (every single time anyone with a white coat came in, they did that. Listened to his chest.) When he first patted Gideon's heart, I had the strongest feeling of a literal hand over my head, turning my eyes to stare at the surgeon's hands and then the softest yet firmest voice in my mind saying, "Pray for THOSE hands." So I did just that. I stared at his hands and said the most desperate silent prayer, "Heavenly Father, the hands that I'm staring at right now, please guide them through Gideon's surgery. Put Thy hands over those hands and guide them."
Then Dr Warrel left and then his anesthesiologist came with Molly, the nurse who would be with Gideon through the surgery. And they took him.
Matt took this picture. I had started crying already. Gideon was sleeping.
The surgery would be 6 hours. Matt and I sat in the waiting room for a lot of it. I wasn't hungry. We played some card games that a friend gave us and I started knitting. I thought, "I'll knit washcloths while we're at the hospital. See how many I end up with."
While in the waiting room I met a lady who married the kid brother of a guy that my TX friends all had crushes on (well, most of them anyways) back when I was around 14. Small world.
Then God sent me a tender mercy by sending in a mom with her 12 year old son who had down syndrome. He reminded me of what Gideon might be like when he's 12. He had brown hair, Gideon's ears, and a basketball player on his t-shirt. He was on a little lap top. He started giggling and hid his face behind the laptop, whispering stuff to his mom. She looked up and told me, "he thinks you're pretty." Then about 15 seconds later, he whispered something again, giggling. She then said, "now he wants to marry you. He's very fast with the ladies." He started giggling yet again, motioning for his mom to lean in for another set of instructions but this time she said, "you tell her yourself! I aint your wing man!"
Of course it was hilarious, but of course it got me all emotional because I wanted that so badly to be Gideon and me. Gideon a ball player and me telling him I aint his wing man!
15 minutes post the 6 hour mark I started to panic. Yup, I did. Especially when the nurse came in and simply said, "things are great! Still working on him though." WHAT? This was when she was supposed to say they're closing him up.
It would be TWO HOURS later that we'd get that update. Gideon was on the bypass machine for a total of 8 hours when all was said and done. His nurse Ami later told me that when she was told she was getting a baby who was on bypass for 8 hours, she said "I was apprehensive." I found out later on that sometimes babies don't survive the surgery Gideon had. To be grateful actually that he had downs. The saying goes, "you can't kept a downs baby down" in the PICU.
Seeing Gideon for the first time was hard. They had to paralyze him and he had so many tubes coming out of him and wires going into him. But to be honest, as hard as it was, I wasn't emotional. I was relieved.
The next 2 days he was passing with flying colors. I wondered if we'd be out in 5 days, but I had a sense, a feeling, that I needed to just sit back and buckle up.
Long story short, Gideon started going down hill after the 3 days. We ended up at the hospital for a total of 24 days. And in those 24 days, I have to say, I had never before seen God's hand so clearly in my life.
When I was pregnant with Gideon, the adversary worked so hard on me. Harder than I had ever EVER experienced in my entire life. I had the craziest thoughts going through my head, the darkest feelings, the most desperate of days. And then Gideon was born. A spirit so elite in the pre-life that he didn't need to be tested like most of us do here on Earth. And my 24 days in the hospital were filled with so many tender mercies and experiences testifying to me that God exists and loves me, so many "coincidences" that were so incredibly coincidental that you had to believe "there are no such things as coincidences, the Author just chooses to remain anonymous."
A lady from my new ward called me. We had never met but she called because she knew what we were going through and sympathized. "I had a baby who needed heart surgery, we lived here but I had to stay up in Spokane with 3 kids at home. I know exactly what you're going through and my heart just breaks for you." Then she shared with me how, during a certain experience, she was reminded by an impression in her mind, "I have carried you through this."
That struck me so hard.
Because I am sincerely so weak. My trust in Heavenly Father and my faith are so weak. But the Lord doesn't fault me for it. Rather, He has so lovingly placed people in my life these past 6 months who have been His angels. His angels to carry me, to hold my head up, to help me put one foot in front of the other. He'll lead me to people who will say things that I need to hear, He'll give me experiences that prove, with out doubt, that He's aware of Gideon and my feelings.
Heavenly Father is so patiently strengthening me through Gideon. He has put women in my life who have passed through similar and even tougher trials than this one. The strength that I see in these women. In my eyes they stand shoulder to shoulder with those mothers in the Book of Mormon who taught their sons to have faith. These mothers sent their sons into battle. None were lost. The faith and power of these mothers brought about the miracle of "moving mountains." It's a blessing and a privilege to know modern day "mothers of stripling warriors."
I feel so loved by Heavenly Father. I know He's real. I know He answers prayers. I'm a standing witness, proof, that I don't have to have perfect faith in Him or perfect trust for Him to love me. I just need to work at it. I just need to have a desire. He's taken that desire of mine and worked mighty miracles in my life. And as time goes by, I know my faith and trust in Him can grow and grow and strengthen and strengthen.
And I feel so strongly that Gideon will be a big part of that growth and strengthening. I think that's a huge aspect of our eternal relationship. I think Gideon strengthened me in the pre existence. I think he held my hand and led me to greater things than what I could have done on my own. I sense his strength as I hold him. I sense that he's an "older spirit" than me. It's just my privilege that I get to be his earthly mom.
Gideon came home on August 29th. Healthy and well. The doctors are happy with how his heart looks. We're not out of the woods yet, we still have the possibility of another surgery down the road. In the mean time, I know I'll continue to strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father and those angels He's put in my path. And in the mean time, we'll enjoy Gideon. He is an elite spirit and an extremely loved baby.
P.S. I ended up making 12 washcloths
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
5 mos as a mom with a child with downsyndrome
Last month I was in the grocery store with G-man. Just the 2 of us. He was in his stroller, hooked up to his feeding and O2 tubes. I just had to grab a couple of things.
We were in line in front of a lady with 4 kids. They were all close in age and super well behaved. She still looked disheveled. I guess the totally "hands on" moms look worked. This is no job for the prissy!! ;)
She noticed G-man and asked me what was up.
It floors me that I am now the mom of a child who gets "the looks" from strangers. Floors me. F.L.O.O.R.S M.E. I totally see what it's like now to be on this side of the fence. And I can say, in all honestly, that I WANT people to ask me. Because I KNOW they see him. He has tubes. He looks a bit different. A bit gorgeously different, but different all the same. I want to tell the world about him, not have him be some curiosity fodder.
So she asked me.
And I told her.
All about his heart I told her. How he has a handful of things wrong but seeing doctors who will operate on him etc. Come to find out her oldest son also had open heart surgery. Come to find out, we share cardiologists!
And that's as far as the conversation went. Just his heart.
Nothing about his having downs.
I couldn't.
Because I knew if told her he had downs, I'd start crying. I knew that if she saw me crying, she'd think that I was sad that he had downs. I knew that she'd think that maybe I felt I was cheated. That life sucked to be a mom with a child with downs. That I was stuck with a burden for the rest of my life or his.
And quite frankly, I didn't have time to explain my tears.
I had time to explain my tears though to a teller at our bank. I've gotten to be good friends with her actually. I was at the bank a few days later and we got to talking. She knew all about G-man and I knew all about her youngest brother who is now 52. Both have that extra chromosome. I told her about my experience at the grocery store. And to her I explained my tears as they came pouring out, right at her desk.
"I couldn't tell her because I knew I'd cry. And I knew she'd think I was sad. But I'd have cried because having a child with downs is so special."
We both started crying actually. She shared with me the intense bond her own mom had with her baby brother. How they had such a special connection. How when she passed away, he KNEW even before anyone told him. How during her last days, only he could bring her out of her lucidness, how she would always ask for him and only him.
Having G-man as my son is the most special thing that has happened to me. It's a constant spiritual experience. It's an awareness that he did some pretty amazing things in the pre-life that granted him protection here on Earth. When I hold G-man, every fiber of my being tells me that he's older than I am, that he's more advanced than I am. I can already tell he's more patient. I can already tell that he's more accepting and loving of others than I am. I can already tell just as he took me by the hand in the pre-life and helped me do who knows what, he will continue to take me by the hand in this life and help me to do who knows what.
It's such a special privilege, blessing, to have him. Which explains why it's so hard for me to tell people about him, about the REAL him, because it's so special. It's almost sacred.
And this further explains my complete and absolute mental and emotional condition as we hit the 10 day countdown to his surgery. Be it known, I'll be a complete mess. I know how I'll handle it. I'll go into survival mode more than ever before. I won't visit friends, talk on the phone, nothing. Cuz it's how I deal. I'll escape to my quiet place in my mind as I try and distance myself from my reality. The reality that I could possibly lose G-man and not have him with me. I know this is a complete lack of faith. It is. It's also how I try and protect myself from what could be the greatest pain I'd ever feel.
I'm too afraid of thinking of hoping for a future with him because a future with Gideon, a heart healthy Gideon, would be like having an angel accompany me here on Earth. It would be just so awesome!
If you're reading this and if you've been given the news that you are pregnant with a baby with downs, please don't take this as bad news. If you've been given the "opportunity" to choose between keeping the baby or aborting, believe me when I say, you are carrying a literal angel and you will know this the minute you hold your baby.
Shame on our health care system to address these pregnancies as "oh, I'm sorry, but ..." Health care providers should hand golden tickets to moms carrying babies with Trisomy 21. These moms should be applauded, should even be admired. Because we get to raise angels. And we get to experience a bond with these special babies that no other knows. I have a close and special bond with all my kids. But with Gideon, it's different. It's beyond an "intense desire to protect." It's more like, ... he completes me like no other. We are each others. I am his and he is mine. It's like the most intense love story ever.
He lets me soothe him like no other. He cries and when I hold him, his calming down is practically immediate. When I'm angry, all it takes is a few seconds with him, holding him, and my anger ebbs. A tiny smile elicits a belly laugh from me. Gideon and I have a connection. It's a heavenly connection.
Moms who have kids with downs will understand this connection. Don't abort. You will lose out on so much.
It's only been 5 months and I've learned this much about Gideon. I pray and pray and pray that I get to keep him for so much longer.
He's my buddy.
We were in line in front of a lady with 4 kids. They were all close in age and super well behaved. She still looked disheveled. I guess the totally "hands on" moms look worked. This is no job for the prissy!! ;)
She noticed G-man and asked me what was up.
It floors me that I am now the mom of a child who gets "the looks" from strangers. Floors me. F.L.O.O.R.S M.E. I totally see what it's like now to be on this side of the fence. And I can say, in all honestly, that I WANT people to ask me. Because I KNOW they see him. He has tubes. He looks a bit different. A bit gorgeously different, but different all the same. I want to tell the world about him, not have him be some curiosity fodder.
So she asked me.
And I told her.
All about his heart I told her. How he has a handful of things wrong but seeing doctors who will operate on him etc. Come to find out her oldest son also had open heart surgery. Come to find out, we share cardiologists!
And that's as far as the conversation went. Just his heart.
Nothing about his having downs.
I couldn't.
Because I knew if told her he had downs, I'd start crying. I knew that if she saw me crying, she'd think that I was sad that he had downs. I knew that she'd think that maybe I felt I was cheated. That life sucked to be a mom with a child with downs. That I was stuck with a burden for the rest of my life or his.
And quite frankly, I didn't have time to explain my tears.
I had time to explain my tears though to a teller at our bank. I've gotten to be good friends with her actually. I was at the bank a few days later and we got to talking. She knew all about G-man and I knew all about her youngest brother who is now 52. Both have that extra chromosome. I told her about my experience at the grocery store. And to her I explained my tears as they came pouring out, right at her desk.
"I couldn't tell her because I knew I'd cry. And I knew she'd think I was sad. But I'd have cried because having a child with downs is so special."
We both started crying actually. She shared with me the intense bond her own mom had with her baby brother. How they had such a special connection. How when she passed away, he KNEW even before anyone told him. How during her last days, only he could bring her out of her lucidness, how she would always ask for him and only him.
Having G-man as my son is the most special thing that has happened to me. It's a constant spiritual experience. It's an awareness that he did some pretty amazing things in the pre-life that granted him protection here on Earth. When I hold G-man, every fiber of my being tells me that he's older than I am, that he's more advanced than I am. I can already tell he's more patient. I can already tell that he's more accepting and loving of others than I am. I can already tell just as he took me by the hand in the pre-life and helped me do who knows what, he will continue to take me by the hand in this life and help me to do who knows what.
It's such a special privilege, blessing, to have him. Which explains why it's so hard for me to tell people about him, about the REAL him, because it's so special. It's almost sacred.
And this further explains my complete and absolute mental and emotional condition as we hit the 10 day countdown to his surgery. Be it known, I'll be a complete mess. I know how I'll handle it. I'll go into survival mode more than ever before. I won't visit friends, talk on the phone, nothing. Cuz it's how I deal. I'll escape to my quiet place in my mind as I try and distance myself from my reality. The reality that I could possibly lose G-man and not have him with me. I know this is a complete lack of faith. It is. It's also how I try and protect myself from what could be the greatest pain I'd ever feel.
I'm too afraid of thinking of hoping for a future with him because a future with Gideon, a heart healthy Gideon, would be like having an angel accompany me here on Earth. It would be just so awesome!
If you're reading this and if you've been given the news that you are pregnant with a baby with downs, please don't take this as bad news. If you've been given the "opportunity" to choose between keeping the baby or aborting, believe me when I say, you are carrying a literal angel and you will know this the minute you hold your baby.
Shame on our health care system to address these pregnancies as "oh, I'm sorry, but ..." Health care providers should hand golden tickets to moms carrying babies with Trisomy 21. These moms should be applauded, should even be admired. Because we get to raise angels. And we get to experience a bond with these special babies that no other knows. I have a close and special bond with all my kids. But with Gideon, it's different. It's beyond an "intense desire to protect." It's more like, ... he completes me like no other. We are each others. I am his and he is mine. It's like the most intense love story ever.
He lets me soothe him like no other. He cries and when I hold him, his calming down is practically immediate. When I'm angry, all it takes is a few seconds with him, holding him, and my anger ebbs. A tiny smile elicits a belly laugh from me. Gideon and I have a connection. It's a heavenly connection.
Moms who have kids with downs will understand this connection. Don't abort. You will lose out on so much.
It's only been 5 months and I've learned this much about Gideon. I pray and pray and pray that I get to keep him for so much longer.
He's my buddy.
Saturday, July 9, 2016
1st miracle
We have 3 huge massive issues on our plate.
#1 ~ Gideon. He's not an issue per say, he's actually quite perfect. It's his heart. I've written plenty about that and will write more I'm sure.
#2 ~ Selling our house in VA. This is a huge financial issue. Because as long as we have it, every month we're paying mortgage on it along with our rent here. We've had 2 contracts so far on our place. And we've been totally screwed by the inspector these would be owners have hired. I'm not going to go into detail here, but he truly has screwed us.
#3 ~ Have you ever tried to find a place to rent here? If you have more than 2 kids, it's next to impossible. If you have 9. Well, all of a sudden a snowball's chance in hell looks pretty good.
This post is regarding point #3.
Not only did we hate where we lived, (well, hate is a strong word. The house was great, but really, only if you had max 2 kids) but our landlord was ready to have us out. We were probably there "against code" as the house really was too small for 11 people. She let us know that she had already found tenants and we needed to be out by the end of June.
And we were in May.
And between Matt and me, we had literally turned over every stone, wood chip, leaf, and twig looking for a place to rent.
Nothing. Literally, nothing.
Because who wants to rent to a family of 11. And we were running out of time.
It was over the course of about 3 days that I kept having this "feeling" to post on FB that we needed a place to rent. I seriously ignored it because we don't know a ton of people here, so not a bunch of people on my FB from here. On around the 3rd day, I specifically remember walking down our tiny hallway towards the living room and that same feeling came, "post it on FB." I headed straight for the computer and updated my status.
About 5 minutes later I got a private message from a friend of mine who I met thanks to sports. See how great sports are?! Sports never fail!! ;) Her son played football with mine and her daughter plays soccer with my daughter.
She messaged that they were buying a home and moving out of their rental and that the house would be perfect for our family.
Long story short, we moved into our new rental June 18th!!!!!
Besides the fact that the kids love it and the "lemming syndrome" has vanished, this house is proof that there is a God, His "thoughts are not my thoughts, nor His ways my ways." His timing may not be my timing, but when it comes down to it, moving here is a testimony to me that His thoughts, ways and timing are WAY better than my own.
Come to find out, this home was basically the home that God had in mind for us all along. When I wanted to find a larger place to stay a year ago, this house wasn't ready. So we had to stay put. And wait. It was basically ready for us at the moment that we really needed it.
The location allows for the kids to access the bike path quickly and safely. There's over an acre of land the kids can play on. The house is far from roads. It's in a very quite spot.
Enter Gideon.
There's a separate living area downstairs that allows for guests. ie Grandparents who need to stay for long periods of time to help because of Gideon. The house is designed in such a way that if anyone is sick, it's quite easy to stay on opposite sides of the house to better protect Gideon from getting sick. It's so important that Gideon not get overheated. This house is one of the few in this town that has central air.
I don't think there were many homes in this town that could have been more perfect for Gideon than this one.
I find it so very interesting the Lord's hand in our rental stress. He knew we'd have Gideon, so He had us wait. Then He whispered into my ears for 3 days, telling me to put it on FB. And my friend just so happened to be on FB to read my post. Even though I was literally going out of my mind, even having emotional crying spells because of the stress of being in such a tiny house, Heavenly Father made me wait because He knew what we would REALLY need.
And it ended up being more perfect that I could have even imagined. Heck, there's even a cherry tree here! He knows that's one of my all time favorite things to eat!! And it's not fattening! Quite the contrary! ;)
I think He's trying to teach me that it's OK to trust Him. More specifically, to trust Him with Gideon. That has been my biggest thing these past 5 months. I need to be able to trust Him with my Gideon. With HIS Gideon.
I was thinking the other day, if our other 2 stressers, Gideon and the VA house, get taken care of as well as Heavenly Father took care of the rent situation, then everything will be better than OK. Everything will be perfect. More perfect than I can even imagine.
I need to trust Him better. He's ever so patiently showing me that I can and should.
#1 ~ Gideon. He's not an issue per say, he's actually quite perfect. It's his heart. I've written plenty about that and will write more I'm sure.
#2 ~ Selling our house in VA. This is a huge financial issue. Because as long as we have it, every month we're paying mortgage on it along with our rent here. We've had 2 contracts so far on our place. And we've been totally screwed by the inspector these would be owners have hired. I'm not going to go into detail here, but he truly has screwed us.
#3 ~ Have you ever tried to find a place to rent here? If you have more than 2 kids, it's next to impossible. If you have 9. Well, all of a sudden a snowball's chance in hell looks pretty good.
This post is regarding point #3.
Not only did we hate where we lived, (well, hate is a strong word. The house was great, but really, only if you had max 2 kids) but our landlord was ready to have us out. We were probably there "against code" as the house really was too small for 11 people. She let us know that she had already found tenants and we needed to be out by the end of June.
And we were in May.
And between Matt and me, we had literally turned over every stone, wood chip, leaf, and twig looking for a place to rent.
Nothing. Literally, nothing.
Because who wants to rent to a family of 11. And we were running out of time.
It was over the course of about 3 days that I kept having this "feeling" to post on FB that we needed a place to rent. I seriously ignored it because we don't know a ton of people here, so not a bunch of people on my FB from here. On around the 3rd day, I specifically remember walking down our tiny hallway towards the living room and that same feeling came, "post it on FB." I headed straight for the computer and updated my status.
About 5 minutes later I got a private message from a friend of mine who I met thanks to sports. See how great sports are?! Sports never fail!! ;) Her son played football with mine and her daughter plays soccer with my daughter.
She messaged that they were buying a home and moving out of their rental and that the house would be perfect for our family.
Long story short, we moved into our new rental June 18th!!!!!
Besides the fact that the kids love it and the "lemming syndrome" has vanished, this house is proof that there is a God, His "thoughts are not my thoughts, nor His ways my ways." His timing may not be my timing, but when it comes down to it, moving here is a testimony to me that His thoughts, ways and timing are WAY better than my own.
Come to find out, this home was basically the home that God had in mind for us all along. When I wanted to find a larger place to stay a year ago, this house wasn't ready. So we had to stay put. And wait. It was basically ready for us at the moment that we really needed it.
The location allows for the kids to access the bike path quickly and safely. There's over an acre of land the kids can play on. The house is far from roads. It's in a very quite spot.
Enter Gideon.
There's a separate living area downstairs that allows for guests. ie Grandparents who need to stay for long periods of time to help because of Gideon. The house is designed in such a way that if anyone is sick, it's quite easy to stay on opposite sides of the house to better protect Gideon from getting sick. It's so important that Gideon not get overheated. This house is one of the few in this town that has central air.
I don't think there were many homes in this town that could have been more perfect for Gideon than this one.
I find it so very interesting the Lord's hand in our rental stress. He knew we'd have Gideon, so He had us wait. Then He whispered into my ears for 3 days, telling me to put it on FB. And my friend just so happened to be on FB to read my post. Even though I was literally going out of my mind, even having emotional crying spells because of the stress of being in such a tiny house, Heavenly Father made me wait because He knew what we would REALLY need.
And it ended up being more perfect that I could have even imagined. Heck, there's even a cherry tree here! He knows that's one of my all time favorite things to eat!! And it's not fattening! Quite the contrary! ;)
I think He's trying to teach me that it's OK to trust Him. More specifically, to trust Him with Gideon. That has been my biggest thing these past 5 months. I need to be able to trust Him with my Gideon. With HIS Gideon.
I was thinking the other day, if our other 2 stressers, Gideon and the VA house, get taken care of as well as Heavenly Father took care of the rent situation, then everything will be better than OK. Everything will be perfect. More perfect than I can even imagine.
I need to trust Him better. He's ever so patiently showing me that I can and should.
Saturday, June 11, 2016
1st real look
Last Wednesday the docs had their first real look at Gideon's heart. We drove up Tues evening cuz they needed to see him Wed at 6AM. The hospital put us up in a motel for free. That was cool. And it was a pretty nice hotel. Couldn't totally enjoy it. A: Because of the reason we were there and B: We got there like 11PM.
The next morning we brought my sweet angel in and handed him over to the crazy Asian lady nurse who I swear weighed less than Gideon. She was definitely a loose cannon but I still liked her. I like people who embrace who they are! And she embraced!
It was supposed to be a 2-4 hour procedure. A heart cath. An angiogram. SIX hours later the doctor comes out and says, "the longest and hardest part of the procedure was getting his IV in. So we had to put the line in his neck." Then left. I was like, "uhhh, hmmm. I just want to know if I'll get to be his mom here on Earth or not." Half an hour later, crazy Asian comes out and even though she must've been 60 (OK, she looked 60, so that'd put her at about 100 years old) she FLEW down the hall. You couldn't keep up with her if you sprinted. And it wasn't even an emergency. She was just some dynamite speed walker. She kept turning her face at us and saying, "Come! Come see your baby!"
Poor Gideon. He was all banged up. His cry was so weak and pathetic cuz of the that tube thing and he hadn't eaten for SO LONG. I just held him. Ohhh how I love holding him. So much of him to hold! I love it! And he's so incredibly sweet!
After about an hour in the post op room, his doctor finally came. It's such a trial of your patience there. It's like when you're eating out and you can't wait for your food to get to you. That's like the cardiologist. Any hint that the doctor could be the person opening up the door, your heart just skips a beat, hoping it's him. Most of the time it's not. It's a random parent or nurse. And you get so disappointed. But then when you see him, at least for me, the adrenaline picks up. I was willing him to come to me. Like when the kitchen door opens and the guy comes out with the round tray of food. You're just willing that food to be yours. If they go right by, the disappointment is huge. When they stop right in front of you, well, you know the feeling.
Dr G. walked over, sat down in front of us and said, "OK, ... first let me show you what I saw ..."
I'm not kidding, my heart plummeted. My insides turned to ice. He started fiddling with the computer, looking over his notes. Finally I said, "IS IT GOOD NEWS OR BAD NEWS?!?!"
And just like that, Dr. G. said, "it's good news."
So here's what they found. The coarctation of his aorta valve is actually more narrow than they had thought. They thought the narrowing was bigger, but no. Smaller.
The PDA was still opened. For normal babies, it shuts. Not Gids. But they THOUGHT it was super small. Nope. It was much bigger than they thought.
The GREAT news however was that his right ventricle, which is smaller than the left, isn't THAT MUCH SMALLER. That was awesome news!!!! That meant they CAN FIX HIS HEART!!
Because of the other things however, they have to fix his heart in stages. He wants to schedule a surgery to fix the narrowing and the PDA sooner and then a month or so down the road, the AV canal.
I still can't believe I'm a parent of a child referred to as "critical cardiac failure" and pulmonary hypertension. Though regarding the latter. Doc is hoping that the lung issues are a direct result of his heart and that once the heart is fixed, the hypertension will resolve.
It was around 4 when we finished talking with him and ready to go at 5. But of course Gids developed a clot in his leg, so we got admitted. And they found out he had 2 types of viruses, so they put us in quarantine. Which ended up being fine because we got another free hotel stay and Gideon was in a room all by himself.
I use the word "fine" very loosely. Walking the halls of the hospital, the thought, "I can't believe this is my life" comes and goes non stop. I really can't. I can't believe that we've been there for so long and so many times that nurses REMEMBER him. I'm used to active, healthy kids. When it comes to hospitals, it's only the labor and delivery wing I utilize and only for 1, maybe 2 days. Not the NICU, not the PICU. I'm used to midwives, not cardiologist. Normally, if I'm ever at hospitals, it's me walking past rooms, taking quick glances at the people sleeping in their beds. Now it's the other way. I sit there, holding my baby, looking out from my room, seeing people walk past, as if I'm a zoo animal or something. I know what they're thinking. "Poor poor lady. Poor poor baby she's holding" I know that because I thought that.
Gideon handles things so much better than I do. He loves staring at his nurses. It's almost as if he's flirting. He just stares and wiggles around, blasting out poops as if that's the way to make the ladies swoon. He hates having his blood pressure checked but LOVES it when his nurses hold him. He also loves it when they dip his binkie in what they call "sweeties." It's basically syrup.
He's a strong kid. That's the constant feedback we get. How strong he is, "especially for a baby with downs AND heart failure." They're amazed at how well he engages others. He loves people.
But he loves me most. Nothing can comfort him like I can. He can be so upset and all I have to do is hold him and talk to him and immediately, he settles down. My heart just soars every time this happens. I love that he loves me. That he needs me.
Because the feeling is so incredibly mutual. Ohhhh how I love him and need him. Heavenly Father gave me the biggest compliment when He gave me to Gideon. Not because He "trusts" me with Gideon. But because Gideon is such a strong, valiant, mighty and loving son to his Heavenly Father. And I get him?!
Already I have had some very important relationships strengthened because of him. Already I have become a softened person because of him. Already I have become a more dedicated wife and mother because of him. Gideon is my buddy.
And his cardiologist said he can fix him!
The next morning we brought my sweet angel in and handed him over to the crazy Asian lady nurse who I swear weighed less than Gideon. She was definitely a loose cannon but I still liked her. I like people who embrace who they are! And she embraced!
It was supposed to be a 2-4 hour procedure. A heart cath. An angiogram. SIX hours later the doctor comes out and says, "the longest and hardest part of the procedure was getting his IV in. So we had to put the line in his neck." Then left. I was like, "uhhh, hmmm. I just want to know if I'll get to be his mom here on Earth or not." Half an hour later, crazy Asian comes out and even though she must've been 60 (OK, she looked 60, so that'd put her at about 100 years old) she FLEW down the hall. You couldn't keep up with her if you sprinted. And it wasn't even an emergency. She was just some dynamite speed walker. She kept turning her face at us and saying, "Come! Come see your baby!"
Poor Gideon. He was all banged up. His cry was so weak and pathetic cuz of the that tube thing and he hadn't eaten for SO LONG. I just held him. Ohhh how I love holding him. So much of him to hold! I love it! And he's so incredibly sweet!
After about an hour in the post op room, his doctor finally came. It's such a trial of your patience there. It's like when you're eating out and you can't wait for your food to get to you. That's like the cardiologist. Any hint that the doctor could be the person opening up the door, your heart just skips a beat, hoping it's him. Most of the time it's not. It's a random parent or nurse. And you get so disappointed. But then when you see him, at least for me, the adrenaline picks up. I was willing him to come to me. Like when the kitchen door opens and the guy comes out with the round tray of food. You're just willing that food to be yours. If they go right by, the disappointment is huge. When they stop right in front of you, well, you know the feeling.
Dr G. walked over, sat down in front of us and said, "OK, ... first let me show you what I saw ..."
I'm not kidding, my heart plummeted. My insides turned to ice. He started fiddling with the computer, looking over his notes. Finally I said, "IS IT GOOD NEWS OR BAD NEWS?!?!"
And just like that, Dr. G. said, "it's good news."
So here's what they found. The coarctation of his aorta valve is actually more narrow than they had thought. They thought the narrowing was bigger, but no. Smaller.
The PDA was still opened. For normal babies, it shuts. Not Gids. But they THOUGHT it was super small. Nope. It was much bigger than they thought.
The GREAT news however was that his right ventricle, which is smaller than the left, isn't THAT MUCH SMALLER. That was awesome news!!!! That meant they CAN FIX HIS HEART!!
Because of the other things however, they have to fix his heart in stages. He wants to schedule a surgery to fix the narrowing and the PDA sooner and then a month or so down the road, the AV canal.
I still can't believe I'm a parent of a child referred to as "critical cardiac failure" and pulmonary hypertension. Though regarding the latter. Doc is hoping that the lung issues are a direct result of his heart and that once the heart is fixed, the hypertension will resolve.
It was around 4 when we finished talking with him and ready to go at 5. But of course Gids developed a clot in his leg, so we got admitted. And they found out he had 2 types of viruses, so they put us in quarantine. Which ended up being fine because we got another free hotel stay and Gideon was in a room all by himself.
I use the word "fine" very loosely. Walking the halls of the hospital, the thought, "I can't believe this is my life" comes and goes non stop. I really can't. I can't believe that we've been there for so long and so many times that nurses REMEMBER him. I'm used to active, healthy kids. When it comes to hospitals, it's only the labor and delivery wing I utilize and only for 1, maybe 2 days. Not the NICU, not the PICU. I'm used to midwives, not cardiologist. Normally, if I'm ever at hospitals, it's me walking past rooms, taking quick glances at the people sleeping in their beds. Now it's the other way. I sit there, holding my baby, looking out from my room, seeing people walk past, as if I'm a zoo animal or something. I know what they're thinking. "Poor poor lady. Poor poor baby she's holding" I know that because I thought that.
Gideon handles things so much better than I do. He loves staring at his nurses. It's almost as if he's flirting. He just stares and wiggles around, blasting out poops as if that's the way to make the ladies swoon. He hates having his blood pressure checked but LOVES it when his nurses hold him. He also loves it when they dip his binkie in what they call "sweeties." It's basically syrup.
He's a strong kid. That's the constant feedback we get. How strong he is, "especially for a baby with downs AND heart failure." They're amazed at how well he engages others. He loves people.
But he loves me most. Nothing can comfort him like I can. He can be so upset and all I have to do is hold him and talk to him and immediately, he settles down. My heart just soars every time this happens. I love that he loves me. That he needs me.
Because the feeling is so incredibly mutual. Ohhhh how I love him and need him. Heavenly Father gave me the biggest compliment when He gave me to Gideon. Not because He "trusts" me with Gideon. But because Gideon is such a strong, valiant, mighty and loving son to his Heavenly Father. And I get him?!
Already I have had some very important relationships strengthened because of him. Already I have become a softened person because of him. Already I have become a more dedicated wife and mother because of him. Gideon is my buddy.
And his cardiologist said he can fix him!
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Latest quilts
Matt said I needed an intervention. That I'm going a bit "quilt cray-cray."
And he's RIGHT! I can't stop!! I even go to bed just imagining what my next quilt will be, what colors I want to use, how big. Will be back be flannel, minky or cotton? I've made 5 quilts in the past 2 weeks and I have 4 in my "que."
I'll post 2. I already found homes for the others, but these 2 are still here with me. One is for Gids and the other still needs it's "matching quilt" before I can send it.
See the Loft label? It's cuz I totally screwed up that part and had to cover it. That's how I covered it. Now I want to put a label on every single one of my quilts! ;) Makes 'em look legit!
And he's RIGHT! I can't stop!! I even go to bed just imagining what my next quilt will be, what colors I want to use, how big. Will be back be flannel, minky or cotton? I've made 5 quilts in the past 2 weeks and I have 4 in my "que."
I'll post 2. I already found homes for the others, but these 2 are still here with me. One is for Gids and the other still needs it's "matching quilt" before I can send it.
See the Loft label? It's cuz I totally screwed up that part and had to cover it. That's how I covered it. Now I want to put a label on every single one of my quilts! ;) Makes 'em look legit!
Saturday, May 28, 2016
May 28th
I just figured out how to post pictures. OK, so I knew at one time, but I remember posting them one day and it wasn't working so at that exact moment, I put it in my head that the blogging site had changed up how you could post pictures and I didn't want to spend the time figuring it out.
So I stopped posting pics.
Then today I tried it out again and viola, it worked! So now I can post the week's goings on AND pictures!!
And of course, pictures all have Gideon. That's just the way it goes!
Tonight Angela was holding him and she started messing with his cheeks, squeezing them.
The kids, well, the younger ones, started laughing so hard. His face was just sooo funny! And he just stared at the reaction he got, staring at all this siblings, wondering why they were laughing so hard.
Life tonight was good.
Oh, I'm having some serious quilt issues. I can't stop quilting or thinking about the next quilt I'm gonna make or wanna make.
I made this one not too long ago. I wish I could make the small pics right next to each other. Kind of annoying. Anyways. Well, tonight I just wanted to post a couple of pictures. I need to stop posting on FB so much cuz I'm so, I guess narcissistic or something cuz I always check my FB after I've posted something to see who likes it or to see if there are any comments. That's terrible! OK, I'm tired.
So I stopped posting pics.
Then today I tried it out again and viola, it worked! So now I can post the week's goings on AND pictures!!
And of course, pictures all have Gideon. That's just the way it goes!
Tonight Angela was holding him and she started messing with his cheeks, squeezing them.
The kids, well, the younger ones, started laughing so hard. His face was just sooo funny! And he just stared at the reaction he got, staring at all this siblings, wondering why they were laughing so hard.
Life tonight was good.
Oh, I'm having some serious quilt issues. I can't stop quilting or thinking about the next quilt I'm gonna make or wanna make.
I made this one not too long ago. I wish I could make the small pics right next to each other. Kind of annoying. Anyways. Well, tonight I just wanted to post a couple of pictures. I need to stop posting on FB so much cuz I'm so, I guess narcissistic or something cuz I always check my FB after I've posted something to see who likes it or to see if there are any comments. That's terrible! OK, I'm tired.
Friday, May 27, 2016
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
3 months ago today
Gideon will be 3 months old in just under 6 hours. I hope I can release my mind, thoughts and feelings sufficiently to make sense of this post tonight.
It still blows me away that I have a son who has down syndrome.
And it's not in a bad way. I'm excited to have him. I told my sister the other day that if I were told, "you can fix everything and anything about your Gideon" I would say, "just fix his heart and his lungs. But I want everything else to stay the same."
I'm not saying that because I'm in denial about what having a child with ds means. I'm not saying that to be "noble." I'm not saying it out of perpetual naivety. I'm not saying it because it's the politically correct (have I ever mentioned how much I HATE pc??) parental attitude.
I'm saying that because when I hold Gideon, and I hold him a LOT, it's honestly a euphoric experience. Holding him, even though I don't get to nurse him like the others, I feel the absolute strongest bond with him. It's as if my spirit self is reaching through my chest and embracing him. It's as if we have been reunited after 42 years of separation. I love all my children fiercely, I have a strong bond with all of my kids. I have a close relations with them today. Gideon is different. We have something very different. He was born, protected from temptation. His mission is different than mine. My purpose here on Earth is to prove myself, to be obedient to the Lord's commandments if I want to live with Heavenly Father again. Gideon did something, did many somethings, before he was born, to earn him the privilege of the Lord's protection.
So of course I wouldn't want to "fix" his downs. He's by far the easiest baby I've had! He stares at me so fixedly. When he smiles, I seriously get butterflies in my stomach. When he coos, he has me feeling almost desperate to exchange "coo" conversation. He loves it when I sing. I could kill a bird with my voice, but I sing anyways because it seems to engage him the best. I love how he holds my finger, and his siblings' fingers, with such strength. He holds on so tightly his fingertips get white. And he doesn't let go!
I texted my "other half" Missy today, telling her about my feelings regarding Gideon and his upcoming heart stuff. I have literally lost my appetite because of his heart. I hate seeing his cardiologist, mainly because they refer to Gideon as "critical heart failure" and have said on countless occasions, "He has complex issues" or "there's a lot going on in that heart." In the darkest corners of my mind, I think, "what if they can't fix him?" Tears are welling up even as I write this. The doctors are a bit on edge regarding what course of action to take, so they watch him. The want to see how his heart grows. I agree with how they're going about it because I recognize that it's up to his heart and right now, out of their hands. And I feel so incredibly helpless. I walk around at the very least subconsciously terrified about his heart surgery. I told Missy that it feels like I have a cactus wrapped around my stomach.
She wrote back, comforting me so much. The words she shared made me think, "no wonder we had to move to VA. I was supposed to meet her and other close friends out there to help get me through this time." I was reminded, while I read her text, that we really were friends in the pre-existence. I was reminded that we really did live and create friendships and bonds with others and that we really did pick up where we left off when we reunited here on Earth.
And this assured me that my feelings regarding Gideon and OUR bond are REAL and that we really did have a special relationship before this Earth life. And that Gideon really WAS such a valiant, strong warrior before his Earth life that he was blessed with ds as a promise from our Heavenly Father that he would be protected while on this Earth.
And even though I feel and know all of this, I still fear. Oh how I want this boy so badly here on Earth. I want to walk hand in hand with him, like I know we did in the pre Earth life, helping others see how wonderful and special children who have downs are. I want to hope that one of his purposes here on Earth is to let others see that unborn babies with trisomy 21 shouldn't be aborted but rather their births anticipated with such excitement and awe. I want him to bless our family in the ways that only he can bless us. The hope and excitement I have for Gideon coupled with the overwhelming fear and helplessness regarding his heart just about tear me apart. So I find that I have to keep BOTH of those feelings at bay. Both.
My sister said it best. "It's like you're holding your breath until his surgery." She's right. And when you're holding your breath, nothing else matters to you but being able to breath again.
Finding a rental to fit our family.
Selling our house in VA.
What people think of me.
Anger.
Pride.
The list can go on, but what I'm trying to say is these past 3 months with Gideon, I have changed. I'm so lucky to have him. My family is so lucky to have him. And I want the world to know him. Because he's just so great!
P.S. We actually DID find a home to rent!!!! Facebook has it's perks! I had posted that we really needed to find something and about 5 mins later I got a private message from a friend of mine who's daughter plays soccer with my daughter and viola! She's moving into a new place and we're renting her place!!
It still blows me away that I have a son who has down syndrome.
And it's not in a bad way. I'm excited to have him. I told my sister the other day that if I were told, "you can fix everything and anything about your Gideon" I would say, "just fix his heart and his lungs. But I want everything else to stay the same."
I'm not saying that because I'm in denial about what having a child with ds means. I'm not saying that to be "noble." I'm not saying it out of perpetual naivety. I'm not saying it because it's the politically correct (have I ever mentioned how much I HATE pc??) parental attitude.
I'm saying that because when I hold Gideon, and I hold him a LOT, it's honestly a euphoric experience. Holding him, even though I don't get to nurse him like the others, I feel the absolute strongest bond with him. It's as if my spirit self is reaching through my chest and embracing him. It's as if we have been reunited after 42 years of separation. I love all my children fiercely, I have a strong bond with all of my kids. I have a close relations with them today. Gideon is different. We have something very different. He was born, protected from temptation. His mission is different than mine. My purpose here on Earth is to prove myself, to be obedient to the Lord's commandments if I want to live with Heavenly Father again. Gideon did something, did many somethings, before he was born, to earn him the privilege of the Lord's protection.
So of course I wouldn't want to "fix" his downs. He's by far the easiest baby I've had! He stares at me so fixedly. When he smiles, I seriously get butterflies in my stomach. When he coos, he has me feeling almost desperate to exchange "coo" conversation. He loves it when I sing. I could kill a bird with my voice, but I sing anyways because it seems to engage him the best. I love how he holds my finger, and his siblings' fingers, with such strength. He holds on so tightly his fingertips get white. And he doesn't let go!
I texted my "other half" Missy today, telling her about my feelings regarding Gideon and his upcoming heart stuff. I have literally lost my appetite because of his heart. I hate seeing his cardiologist, mainly because they refer to Gideon as "critical heart failure" and have said on countless occasions, "He has complex issues" or "there's a lot going on in that heart." In the darkest corners of my mind, I think, "what if they can't fix him?" Tears are welling up even as I write this. The doctors are a bit on edge regarding what course of action to take, so they watch him. The want to see how his heart grows. I agree with how they're going about it because I recognize that it's up to his heart and right now, out of their hands. And I feel so incredibly helpless. I walk around at the very least subconsciously terrified about his heart surgery. I told Missy that it feels like I have a cactus wrapped around my stomach.
She wrote back, comforting me so much. The words she shared made me think, "no wonder we had to move to VA. I was supposed to meet her and other close friends out there to help get me through this time." I was reminded, while I read her text, that we really were friends in the pre-existence. I was reminded that we really did live and create friendships and bonds with others and that we really did pick up where we left off when we reunited here on Earth.
And this assured me that my feelings regarding Gideon and OUR bond are REAL and that we really did have a special relationship before this Earth life. And that Gideon really WAS such a valiant, strong warrior before his Earth life that he was blessed with ds as a promise from our Heavenly Father that he would be protected while on this Earth.
And even though I feel and know all of this, I still fear. Oh how I want this boy so badly here on Earth. I want to walk hand in hand with him, like I know we did in the pre Earth life, helping others see how wonderful and special children who have downs are. I want to hope that one of his purposes here on Earth is to let others see that unborn babies with trisomy 21 shouldn't be aborted but rather their births anticipated with such excitement and awe. I want him to bless our family in the ways that only he can bless us. The hope and excitement I have for Gideon coupled with the overwhelming fear and helplessness regarding his heart just about tear me apart. So I find that I have to keep BOTH of those feelings at bay. Both.
My sister said it best. "It's like you're holding your breath until his surgery." She's right. And when you're holding your breath, nothing else matters to you but being able to breath again.
Finding a rental to fit our family.
Selling our house in VA.
What people think of me.
Anger.
Pride.
The list can go on, but what I'm trying to say is these past 3 months with Gideon, I have changed. I'm so lucky to have him. My family is so lucky to have him. And I want the world to know him. Because he's just so great!
P.S. We actually DID find a home to rent!!!! Facebook has it's perks! I had posted that we really needed to find something and about 5 mins later I got a private message from a friend of mine who's daughter plays soccer with my daughter and viola! She's moving into a new place and we're renting her place!!
Friday, April 22, 2016
300
I loved the name Soren the first time I heard it. It was an Elder I taught at the MTC. I wanted that name for one of my boys so badly! I loved the name William because, well, all cute boys are named William and it's a family name on both my side and Matt's. And Gideon was in the mix because of the Gideon in the Book of Mormon. I mean, I absolutely love Captain Moroni. I plan to search him out first thing when I pass over to the next life. It'll be a long line though for him. Lots of people love him. But I also love Gideon, just as much. He was more of the "silent" hero in my opinion and I LOVE the silent heroes. Gideon was so full of wisdom and insight and so fiercely loyal and brave. I can't wait to meet him.
We knew we'd know which one we'd give to our baby once we met him. As soon as he was out, Matt knew and I agreed about 10 minutes later.
When we found out about all of his stuff, we realized we had named him perfectly. And when I studied up on the Gideon of the Old Testament, I got goose bumps as I realized, he was named way too perfectly.
Which brings me to the purpose of this post. When it rains, it pours. Gideon was born end of Feb and we spent a month in the nicu. We brought him home March 24th. We're currently living in very small quarters. We want so badly to find a house that better fits our family. Not looking for any mansions, just something ... not so tiny. Our lease here ends in May. And we listed our house in VA last week with the hopes that if we sell it, we can buy a home here. Yes, buy. People don't believe in renting to a family with 9 kids. And the kids are getting quite cranky.
So basically, looking for a miracle. Can we sell our VA home in time to buy a house that we can move in to by the end of May? And in the meantime, can I keep it together mentally and emotionally as I watch Gideon deal with his heart condition?
Then I'm reminded of the story of Gideon in the Old Testament. Israel was in bondage to the Midianites and the Lord tells Gideon that through him, He would free Israel. Gideon gathers some 32,000 men to fight the Midianites and the Lord tells him, "too many. Let the chicken ones go home" (more or less, in my own words). He was then left with 10,000. Still too many. So the Lord has Gideon take them to the river and according to the style of drinking from the river, sends all but 300 home.
300.
300 to fight the Midianites. Not to just fight, but to free Israel from.
In my opinion, an impossible situation.
But we learn that the reason is so the Israelites could see and gain or strengthen their testimonies in the power of the Lord's hand. He wanted the army small so He could make miracles happen.
Sometimes I feel like the Lord does this on individual levels. He has us "reduced to 300" so He can make miracles happen. That's the only answer I can come up with. I have found myself in the most impossible of situations so many times where truly, only by the hand of God could I get out and as I look back on my situations and reflect on them ... it's really the "Footprints in the Sand" type stuff.
I was reduced to "300" that month in the nicu and I tell you, the Lord showed His hand so many times. I'm reduced right now to "300" as I feel completely backed into a housing corner. I'm reduced to "300" with my new role as a mother to a baby with heart and lung issues that scare me to death.
I can only imagine how Gideon must have felt with his 300. I can only imagine how those soldiers must have felt. I'm sure there was some fear, some uncertainty, but even so, they moved forward. It's all I can do right now. I have no idea what's going to happen with our housing situation. I have no idea how Gideon will do over the next few weeks and into his surgery.
I do know how the story in Judges ends. It's miraculous, it's genius, it's even sorta comical (I think anyways.) It's proof that the Lord really is in the details of our lives. And I can trust Him.
We knew we'd know which one we'd give to our baby once we met him. As soon as he was out, Matt knew and I agreed about 10 minutes later.
When we found out about all of his stuff, we realized we had named him perfectly. And when I studied up on the Gideon of the Old Testament, I got goose bumps as I realized, he was named way too perfectly.
Which brings me to the purpose of this post. When it rains, it pours. Gideon was born end of Feb and we spent a month in the nicu. We brought him home March 24th. We're currently living in very small quarters. We want so badly to find a house that better fits our family. Not looking for any mansions, just something ... not so tiny. Our lease here ends in May. And we listed our house in VA last week with the hopes that if we sell it, we can buy a home here. Yes, buy. People don't believe in renting to a family with 9 kids. And the kids are getting quite cranky.
So basically, looking for a miracle. Can we sell our VA home in time to buy a house that we can move in to by the end of May? And in the meantime, can I keep it together mentally and emotionally as I watch Gideon deal with his heart condition?
Then I'm reminded of the story of Gideon in the Old Testament. Israel was in bondage to the Midianites and the Lord tells Gideon that through him, He would free Israel. Gideon gathers some 32,000 men to fight the Midianites and the Lord tells him, "too many. Let the chicken ones go home" (more or less, in my own words). He was then left with 10,000. Still too many. So the Lord has Gideon take them to the river and according to the style of drinking from the river, sends all but 300 home.
300.
300 to fight the Midianites. Not to just fight, but to free Israel from.
In my opinion, an impossible situation.
But we learn that the reason is so the Israelites could see and gain or strengthen their testimonies in the power of the Lord's hand. He wanted the army small so He could make miracles happen.
Sometimes I feel like the Lord does this on individual levels. He has us "reduced to 300" so He can make miracles happen. That's the only answer I can come up with. I have found myself in the most impossible of situations so many times where truly, only by the hand of God could I get out and as I look back on my situations and reflect on them ... it's really the "Footprints in the Sand" type stuff.
I was reduced to "300" that month in the nicu and I tell you, the Lord showed His hand so many times. I'm reduced right now to "300" as I feel completely backed into a housing corner. I'm reduced to "300" with my new role as a mother to a baby with heart and lung issues that scare me to death.
I can only imagine how Gideon must have felt with his 300. I can only imagine how those soldiers must have felt. I'm sure there was some fear, some uncertainty, but even so, they moved forward. It's all I can do right now. I have no idea what's going to happen with our housing situation. I have no idea how Gideon will do over the next few weeks and into his surgery.
I do know how the story in Judges ends. It's miraculous, it's genius, it's even sorta comical (I think anyways.) It's proof that the Lord really is in the details of our lives. And I can trust Him.
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Gideon these past few weeks
Most of my posts recently have all been "Gideon-charged." And sorta "heavy" if that makes sense. I don't want that to be the norm though of my writing here. I do want to write a little bit of the family and our goings on and such. With Gids in the mix, however, our goings on have been ... different.
Kids are doing great with practically everything. They've all settled in with him, all very concerned about him. Tonight Colby asked me, "when he has his heart surgery, will he get 100% oxygen like normal?" The kids ask off and on, "will he be high functioning or not?" There's an unspoken competition to see who Gids smiles at first. He hasn't smiled yet. Well, not on purpose anyways. Everyone tries to get him to smile at them so they can be "the winner." I'm sorta in the competition too. He better smile at me first! After everything I went through to get him here!?! LOL!
Soccer has started up. The 4 older ones are on travel teams and the little ones are still in rec. I almost didn't sign the younger ones up. Too much going on. But they were begging and of course I broke. Good thing I love soccer. If this was for theatre or something of the sort, ugh, that'd be so hard! What makes it all difficult for me is, I have to depend 100% on others to get my kids to and from practices and most games. G-man can't leave the house and I won't leave him with my inlaws, so I have to rely on others to cart my kids around. Talk about walk of shame! I was told that Filipinos are a pride-pull fee-full! It might be true. I've got some weird pride in my blood, and having to get help from others really takes it out of me. But I have no choice. And so I just walk around feeling super grateful, super indebt, and super remembering how this is and how I will carpool anyone who needs it in the future.
Gideon's doing great. He's very dependent on his oxygen, feeding tube and meds, but he's thriving. He's gaining weight and is actually a really good sleeper (thanks to the cardiac stuff I've learned.) He LOVES making and keeping eye contact with people who are engaging him. He's so inquisitive. I forget so many times that he's only 6 weeks old. He's starting to hold his head up when I lay him on my chest. It's so cute. He'll be on my chest then bring his head up and that canula is up on his forhead. He's so precious.
Today Angela said, "he doesn't even look like he has down syndrome." Honestly, I wasn't sure how to take that. He has moments when he really doesn't look downs at all, but then moments when he looks super downs. And it's those moments that I just LOVE! I love that I get to be the mom of a baby with ds. He's such a special, strong, valiant, precious guy and I kinda want the world to see how great my kid is even with the ds. I don't want people to see ds as a "negative" thing but rather a GREAT and noble thing. I don't know if this makes any sense.
While in the hospital I was reading this book filled with stories of families learning that their baby has trisomy 21 and although every story was heartwarming and motivating, I noticed that every single time they were told their baby had trisomy 21, either pre or post delivery, the news was always given in an apologetic way, sometimes even followed with "you can terminate this pregnancy..." I think this needs to stop. I think caregivers need to give this news in just the same excited way as they give the "you're having twins!" news or what not.
Gideon acts just like all my babies have acted. His arms and legs kick and swim, when he's mad those arms do that cute "chorister type" wave. When he looks around the room, you can just see him taking it all in. He loves his binkies. He hates his diaper dirty. He loves so much to be held. You hold him and he'll fall right asleep. When I put him up to my chest, he just curls right in. He's just like all my other babies. Except that dang heart of his. Ughhh, drives me crazy!
Anyways, we're doing pretty well. When it rains, it pours though. Our lease is up end of May and we can't sign on for another year. We just can't. House is just too small. But no one wants to rent to a family with 9 kids. Believe me, we're trying. We're being forced almost to have to buy a house. But to buy, we need to sell our VA house which we just put on the market 2 days ago. So it's like we're being forced into a corner and there's no way out. We told the kids last night that we utterly need a miracle. Of course right after that they start fighting over who's wearing who's shoes and "she's wearing my shirt and didn't even ask!" I was like, "guys, we need a miracle. Acting like this is gonna get us a curse!" My kids might make all As and Bs in school, but I don't think there are many lights on in the common sense department.
OK, it's late. I need to give my baby his heart medicine. Crazy. I have a child who needs heart meds. Blows my mind.
Kids are doing great with practically everything. They've all settled in with him, all very concerned about him. Tonight Colby asked me, "when he has his heart surgery, will he get 100% oxygen like normal?" The kids ask off and on, "will he be high functioning or not?" There's an unspoken competition to see who Gids smiles at first. He hasn't smiled yet. Well, not on purpose anyways. Everyone tries to get him to smile at them so they can be "the winner." I'm sorta in the competition too. He better smile at me first! After everything I went through to get him here!?! LOL!
Soccer has started up. The 4 older ones are on travel teams and the little ones are still in rec. I almost didn't sign the younger ones up. Too much going on. But they were begging and of course I broke. Good thing I love soccer. If this was for theatre or something of the sort, ugh, that'd be so hard! What makes it all difficult for me is, I have to depend 100% on others to get my kids to and from practices and most games. G-man can't leave the house and I won't leave him with my inlaws, so I have to rely on others to cart my kids around. Talk about walk of shame! I was told that Filipinos are a pride-pull fee-full! It might be true. I've got some weird pride in my blood, and having to get help from others really takes it out of me. But I have no choice. And so I just walk around feeling super grateful, super indebt, and super remembering how this is and how I will carpool anyone who needs it in the future.
Gideon's doing great. He's very dependent on his oxygen, feeding tube and meds, but he's thriving. He's gaining weight and is actually a really good sleeper (thanks to the cardiac stuff I've learned.) He LOVES making and keeping eye contact with people who are engaging him. He's so inquisitive. I forget so many times that he's only 6 weeks old. He's starting to hold his head up when I lay him on my chest. It's so cute. He'll be on my chest then bring his head up and that canula is up on his forhead. He's so precious.
Today Angela said, "he doesn't even look like he has down syndrome." Honestly, I wasn't sure how to take that. He has moments when he really doesn't look downs at all, but then moments when he looks super downs. And it's those moments that I just LOVE! I love that I get to be the mom of a baby with ds. He's such a special, strong, valiant, precious guy and I kinda want the world to see how great my kid is even with the ds. I don't want people to see ds as a "negative" thing but rather a GREAT and noble thing. I don't know if this makes any sense.
While in the hospital I was reading this book filled with stories of families learning that their baby has trisomy 21 and although every story was heartwarming and motivating, I noticed that every single time they were told their baby had trisomy 21, either pre or post delivery, the news was always given in an apologetic way, sometimes even followed with "you can terminate this pregnancy..." I think this needs to stop. I think caregivers need to give this news in just the same excited way as they give the "you're having twins!" news or what not.
Gideon acts just like all my babies have acted. His arms and legs kick and swim, when he's mad those arms do that cute "chorister type" wave. When he looks around the room, you can just see him taking it all in. He loves his binkies. He hates his diaper dirty. He loves so much to be held. You hold him and he'll fall right asleep. When I put him up to my chest, he just curls right in. He's just like all my other babies. Except that dang heart of his. Ughhh, drives me crazy!
Anyways, we're doing pretty well. When it rains, it pours though. Our lease is up end of May and we can't sign on for another year. We just can't. House is just too small. But no one wants to rent to a family with 9 kids. Believe me, we're trying. We're being forced almost to have to buy a house. But to buy, we need to sell our VA house which we just put on the market 2 days ago. So it's like we're being forced into a corner and there's no way out. We told the kids last night that we utterly need a miracle. Of course right after that they start fighting over who's wearing who's shoes and "she's wearing my shirt and didn't even ask!" I was like, "guys, we need a miracle. Acting like this is gonna get us a curse!" My kids might make all As and Bs in school, but I don't think there are many lights on in the common sense department.
OK, it's late. I need to give my baby his heart medicine. Crazy. I have a child who needs heart meds. Blows my mind.
Sunday, April 10, 2016
There are no coincidences
Suffice it to say, Gideon's birth and the weeks that closely followed marked the worst time of my life. When you truly, and in the deepest and most tender parts of your heart, believe you are going to lose your child, this journey you call life takes one of the most sudden, jolting turns. For me, it was as if I took a wrong turn and found myself falling off a cliff I had no idea I was even close to.
The first week was spent with Matt and me together, staying at the hospital. Some Ronald McDonald room about 4 floors up from the nicu. The following week Matt had to go back to work and I was moved to the Ronald McDonald house, about 2 miles from the hospital. The first night as I sat in my room alone, after having been with Gideon that day, I let all of my emotions and tears run. And it was at that moment that I realized something about myself.
I have absolute faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I know They both live, that They love me and that They hear and answer prayers. But that night, while I was pouring my heart out to my Heavenly Father, I realized something. It was very clear to me that I did not TRUST Heavenly Father or my Savior. It's so easy to talk about faith and trust when you're on your mission, or when you're teaching Sunday School or when you're teaching missionaries at the MTC. It's so easy to talk about faith and trust when you're teaching your kids. It's even easy to HAVE faith and trust when your moving from VA to ID. Everything changes when the life of your child is in the mix.
My prayers were so full of fear and doubt. I KNEW Heavenly Father could heal Gideon, but I was afraid to put Gideon in His hands. Because what if by doing so, He would take him from me? That was my fear. I needed the faith necessary to move mountains, but I was too afraid to trust. What kind of mother was I??
The story of Helaman and his 2 thousand stripling warriors came to mind many times. Those mothers had the faith and TRUST in the Lord to send their young sons to fight men, well versed in battle. Had I lived back then, could I have done that? Or would I be that one mom who would have taken Colby and Dallin and hidden them because I was too afraid? This story in the Book of Mormon is one of the absolute most powerful stories because as we know, not a single one of those young sons died. Oh the power of faith! And you KNOW that as they fought, angels were fighting next to them. And that's what Gideon needed!
I felt so conflicted, so my prayers, every night at the Ronald McDonald house, were, "please help me to trust You." I had a desire to trust, to be totally faithful, because Gideon needed the power that comes with faith. I simply needed to let go of my fear.
Heavenly Father has been so loving, patient and kind to me. He has sent more tender mercies to me in these past 6 plus weeks that I have had my entire life. He's trying to help me strengthen my faith in Him.
The other day I wondered if Gideon would be able to play sports. His heart just has so much going on, I wondered if he'd even be able to play like his older siblings. It was just a thought. The NEXT MORNING I get an email from my sweet Ashley, telling me about her experience working as a swim instructor for downs teens and adults. She said, "get so excited about the world of sports for kids with down syndrome! I don't know why exactly, but I knew I needed to stay up tonight and write this to you." Tears filled my eyes as I read her email.
Paula sends me a letter with a scripture reference, 2Nephi, 22:2. It was as if the Lord was literally comforting me through her. I felt like it was OK to fear and even more OK to let go of that fear and to trust. The Lord validated my feelings via that scripture and basically let me know it really was OK to trust Him.
I'll randomly think of who Gideon was before he came to Earth and just like that I'll get a text from my sister Heather or Missy or Laura and they'll say something about the strong and valiant person Gideon was before he came to me.
Mildred told me, "You kept feeling like you weren't done until Gideon was born. You were waiting for him. Good for you."
I meet Patty on FB, move to ID where she lives, we recognize each other as bosom buddies, and low and behold, her sister has a son who has gone through what Gideon is going through.
Last Sunday, during Elder Holland's talk, the Lord spoke directly to me when Elder Holland said to not be discouraged if you fail or are not strong enough. Simply having a DESIRE is all you need. That talk was for me.
And then today, like the icing on the cake, our stake president introduces his talk as, "There are no coincidences. The Author just chooses to remain anonymous." He spoke of how the Lord intervenes in our lives. He softens hearts, strengthens us, and sends help.
The Lord sent help to me. Has been sending help. He knows me. He knows my struggles, my fears, and my desires. And He's not mad at me for not trusting Him. Instead, He's helping me to learn to trust Him.
Honestly, it's still a work in progress. Gideon is home. He's growing. He's gaining weight. All of his doctors are happy with his progress. My trust is growing. His surgery is in June/July. I can't even describe the feelings of excitement and fear that flow side by side in my heart. I'm trying to chip away at my fear and build my trust. I pray that He'll continue to lift me. That He'll continue sending me His tender mercies. I feel that He will. I trust that He will.
The first week was spent with Matt and me together, staying at the hospital. Some Ronald McDonald room about 4 floors up from the nicu. The following week Matt had to go back to work and I was moved to the Ronald McDonald house, about 2 miles from the hospital. The first night as I sat in my room alone, after having been with Gideon that day, I let all of my emotions and tears run. And it was at that moment that I realized something about myself.
I have absolute faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I know They both live, that They love me and that They hear and answer prayers. But that night, while I was pouring my heart out to my Heavenly Father, I realized something. It was very clear to me that I did not TRUST Heavenly Father or my Savior. It's so easy to talk about faith and trust when you're on your mission, or when you're teaching Sunday School or when you're teaching missionaries at the MTC. It's so easy to talk about faith and trust when you're teaching your kids. It's even easy to HAVE faith and trust when your moving from VA to ID. Everything changes when the life of your child is in the mix.
My prayers were so full of fear and doubt. I KNEW Heavenly Father could heal Gideon, but I was afraid to put Gideon in His hands. Because what if by doing so, He would take him from me? That was my fear. I needed the faith necessary to move mountains, but I was too afraid to trust. What kind of mother was I??
The story of Helaman and his 2 thousand stripling warriors came to mind many times. Those mothers had the faith and TRUST in the Lord to send their young sons to fight men, well versed in battle. Had I lived back then, could I have done that? Or would I be that one mom who would have taken Colby and Dallin and hidden them because I was too afraid? This story in the Book of Mormon is one of the absolute most powerful stories because as we know, not a single one of those young sons died. Oh the power of faith! And you KNOW that as they fought, angels were fighting next to them. And that's what Gideon needed!
I felt so conflicted, so my prayers, every night at the Ronald McDonald house, were, "please help me to trust You." I had a desire to trust, to be totally faithful, because Gideon needed the power that comes with faith. I simply needed to let go of my fear.
Heavenly Father has been so loving, patient and kind to me. He has sent more tender mercies to me in these past 6 plus weeks that I have had my entire life. He's trying to help me strengthen my faith in Him.
The other day I wondered if Gideon would be able to play sports. His heart just has so much going on, I wondered if he'd even be able to play like his older siblings. It was just a thought. The NEXT MORNING I get an email from my sweet Ashley, telling me about her experience working as a swim instructor for downs teens and adults. She said, "get so excited about the world of sports for kids with down syndrome! I don't know why exactly, but I knew I needed to stay up tonight and write this to you." Tears filled my eyes as I read her email.
Paula sends me a letter with a scripture reference, 2Nephi, 22:2. It was as if the Lord was literally comforting me through her. I felt like it was OK to fear and even more OK to let go of that fear and to trust. The Lord validated my feelings via that scripture and basically let me know it really was OK to trust Him.
I'll randomly think of who Gideon was before he came to Earth and just like that I'll get a text from my sister Heather or Missy or Laura and they'll say something about the strong and valiant person Gideon was before he came to me.
Mildred told me, "You kept feeling like you weren't done until Gideon was born. You were waiting for him. Good for you."
I meet Patty on FB, move to ID where she lives, we recognize each other as bosom buddies, and low and behold, her sister has a son who has gone through what Gideon is going through.
Last Sunday, during Elder Holland's talk, the Lord spoke directly to me when Elder Holland said to not be discouraged if you fail or are not strong enough. Simply having a DESIRE is all you need. That talk was for me.
And then today, like the icing on the cake, our stake president introduces his talk as, "There are no coincidences. The Author just chooses to remain anonymous." He spoke of how the Lord intervenes in our lives. He softens hearts, strengthens us, and sends help.
The Lord sent help to me. Has been sending help. He knows me. He knows my struggles, my fears, and my desires. And He's not mad at me for not trusting Him. Instead, He's helping me to learn to trust Him.
Honestly, it's still a work in progress. Gideon is home. He's growing. He's gaining weight. All of his doctors are happy with his progress. My trust is growing. His surgery is in June/July. I can't even describe the feelings of excitement and fear that flow side by side in my heart. I'm trying to chip away at my fear and build my trust. I pray that He'll continue to lift me. That He'll continue sending me His tender mercies. I feel that He will. I trust that He will.
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