July 26 2013 ~ The ultrasound

So I'm almost 21 weeks pregnant now. 20.5 to be exact. We got to find out today what we're having. The ultrasoundologist (is that even a word?) never did get a good look. Either the umbilical cord was totlly covering her/him or her/his legs were completely closed. She just assumed because she couldn't see ANYTHING that it's a girl. So on the photo, it's "girl?" It's all good though. I just want healthy. Not sure if that's what we're going to get though. She looks perfect, sure was moving all over the place, even tapping her little foot ~ we all started laughing. At the end of the ultrasound, she goes, "Everything looks great. My only concern is there are 2 cysts in her brain." She had fancy words for it, but that's the layman's terms. She said that she hated to tell us because it's quite common, but that we'd need to have some follow up ultrasounds and visits. I've read so many times that when people get bad news, the room sorta spins and then feels like it slowly just crushes down on you. I was laying in the bed and when she said that, I literally felt like the ceiling very slowly came down around me and slowly squeezed me. She said the midwife would talk to me more about it. I didn't really have any reaction at that moment. We were taken to another room for my actual visit w/the midwife and that's when I just couldn't handle it anymore. The midwife had spoken to the doctor before she came to me and this is what she said: Because everything else looked fine, they weren't really worried at all. She said that the cysts were the ONLY things of concern, so because of that, they weren't too alarmed. She said the cysts could be there even after the baby is born but then they just simply go away. She said they were quite common. It still didn't help. Partly because from the very beginning, I felt more nervous about this pregnancy. 7 healthy kids, it's like I'm playing Russian roulet or something. Even going into the ultrasound, I was uneasy. I'm hoping and praying that my unease was just because we'd be getting THIS news and nothing else. The range of problems that we could encounter are from absolutely nothing at all to down syndrome to that trychanomisis 18 syndrom etc (I don't know the exact word and number, but I don't want to google it either because I just don't want to.) Needless to say, I've been crying all day. I took a long nap, that seemed to help, but seriously, my eyes are so dry and swollen that they actually kinda funny. After we left the clinic Matt suggested we take a walk. Down the road from the clinic is a cancer care center. As we passed it, I saw someone in a wheel chair, obviously super sick, being pushed by someone else. I immediately thought, "things for me could be so much worse" but then the more I thought about it, the more my wandered to the thousands and thousands of people affected by ill health, death, loss, and similar trials. How they cope, I do not know, but my heart just goes out to them and aches for them. It's been a somber day for me. Wanting to stay away from people, just needing to be at home with Matt and the kids. Matt feels that all will be fine. He's not too worried. I am. I'm just so in love with this little baby. Seeing her move around so much, keeping her little hands up around her face. Her profile pic it so cute. Perfect little nose and chin. Her little bumbum. She's perfect. I just pray and pray and pray that all will be well and healthy for her. I have another ultasound in a couple of weeks. They took my blood to do that DNA test. The midwife said that with those results and the "level 2 ultrasound", we could know better what we're dealing with. She and the doctor were pretty optimistic, I'm just scared. And doing a lot of praying. Haven't told the kids. No need to. But we'll be praying.