Tuesday, June 23, 2015

The whole knee thing

Back at BYU, 1998 ish, I was playing soccer when I was supposed to be helping with the Special Olympics.  For me it was a no brainer.  Play soccer vs. not play soccer.  I still remember it like it was this morning.  I was playing striker and running full speed towards the goal.  The ball was passed sooner than I anticipated so I quickly planted my left foot and slide into the ball with the bottom of my right foot.  And completely destroyed my knee.  I heard the tear, the snap, the pop.  I didn't know then what I had done and just figured I had sprained my knee and would be back in no time.  Not so.  I had what people call "the unhappy triad" and after surgery to fix my knee, had about 6 weeks of crutches and 6 months of therapy.  Oh, I did score that goal though!  :)

2 weeks ago, while playing basketball, I jumped up to get the ball and landed with my right leg going one way and my body going the other.  I heard the familiar pop pop and seriously, started cussing because A it hurt and B, this time I knew what I had done and I was pissed.

It was Tuesday, the 2nd day of summer.

On Monday I had planned my summer days with the kids, all of which would start off with me running to the gym, working out, running back and getting things going with the kids.  It was the summer, I had planned, to really get into shape.  I had 2 miscarriages in the past 2 months and figured, "not getting pregnant anymore.  So the silver lining can be getting my body back!"

I'm really struggling with this.  I know it's superficial, I know at 41 and still pretty active, I have a lot to be thankful for.  But it's still so hard.  Running, playing basketball, doing things, it's my therapy.  It's my Prozac.  When I feel overwhelmed or super angry, I go for a quick run and come back totally cured.  When I feel trim and fit, I just feel happier.  I was sad about the miscarriages, but really, I thought that by closing this chapter I could open a new chapter of getting in super shape.  Not to be cool, not to fit in better with all these crazy fit ID moms, not to feel more confident around chubby people.  But simply, to feel good about myself.

Matt gave me a blessing and in it, he said that the Lord was aware of me and knew what I needed even before I knew what I needed for myself.  I took comfort in the blessing, figuring that my knee would have a miraculous prognosis at the ortho's office.

I know the Lord is aware of me, I've had plenty of experiences where that has been PROVEN.  I'm just having such a hard time with this.  There was no miraculous prognosis, and when I went in today for the MRI, I ended up not getting it.  I took a pregnancy test last week and it came back positive.  So the radiologist said, "lets put this off just to be safe."  The thing is, I haven't been sick so I'm afraid it's going to be yet another miscarriage.  4 miscarriages total.  Added to this, our Kent house isn't selling like I was hoping it would.

If there ever were a time that I could use a good jog to the gym, it'd be now.

So I'm just trying to figure out that blessing.  "The Lord knows what I need before I know."

Patience?  Do I need to learn patience?  Did I need to slow down?  Cherish my kids better?  I have definitely learned that I took my 8 pregnancies for granted, that's for sure! 

I've been struggling with "little churchy things" lately.  Are these experiences to help me understand to put those pesky thoughts to rest?

I don't know.  I don't have an answer. 

But I know I will get one.  Life can be difficult.  I am so very aware that my "difficult" may seem like child's play when compared to others' "difficult" but it's still hard.  Last Sunday in Sunday School, we were discussing Nephi and his travels and how he reacted to hard things.  Even his father, the prophet, who had seen visions and spoke with the Lord, murmured at one time.  He didn't murmur when he had to move his family out of their city.  He didn't murmur when he had to send his 4 sons back TWICE to that city.  He didn't murmur when he realized he'd be crossing the ocean.  He murmured when food became scarce.  Which makes ma laugh a little.  Going hungry does seem to make me cranky.  Point being, we all have our breaking points, we all react differently to different trials. 

But then I think about Nephi, how he sorta got the raw end of the deal.  Always having to deal with his rebellious brothers who hated him.  Always taking the "upper road."   I mean, he even spent the rest of his life knowing that his posterity would eventually become extinct.  Yet, the blessings he was given, or better yet, the blessings that I've even been given because of him, are endless.  Had he not built that boat, I wouldn't have the Book of Mormon today. 

Wow, this blog took a crazy turn.  :)  Didn't mean to go down this road.

I've just got to figure out my attitude towards everything.  Lately, it's been pretty crappy to say the least.  Somehow, I need to pull myself out of this funk.  After writing this, actually, I feel better!

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Sick of the crap

I just read this article asking people to sign a petition meant for the president of BYU, stating that BYU needed to grant religious freedom to members who left the church.  I'm not sure of all the facts behind this petition, but it stirred some serious emotions in me as I read it.

I'm just sick of the crap.

At 41, I can better sympathize with members who go inactive.  I can better sympathize with Laman and Lemuel.  I can better sympathize with those leaders and members who left the church when it was first being RESTORED in the latter days.  I can better sympathize with those members who, in the Book of Mormon times, were angry and left the church.  I really can.  I have personally been struggling with and having lots of questions regarding the church.  I really have.  And my all time favorite friends are, or rather my "bffs" tend to be ladies in the church who are not afraid of admitting that they too, have questions and struggle with some things.

What we also have in common is a core testimony that our world needs and HAS a prophet.  A man who talks with God, just like Moses, Abraham, Noah, Elijah, Samuel, Eli, Joseph (coat of many colors), Peter, etc.  Men who did not aspire to be prophets, but were called by God, to be prophets.  To talk with Him and share what He wants the rest of the people to know.

Most prophets in the Bible were rejected, ignored or made fun of by the people.  How many jumped in the boat that Noah made?  What ended up happening to Peter?  Why did it take Moses 40 years to reach the land the Lord had chosen for the Israelites? 

Joseph Smith was ALSO called by God to be a prophet.  His treatment by the people was no different than previous prophets.  Some loved him, some hated him, and some even killed him. 

And this is when the rubber hits the road for me.  I do have my questions, I do have my complaints, I do have my "issues", but I'm not going to "knock down my stone wall" because of them.  The stone wall referring to testimony of the Gospel.  Every stone wall ever built is different.  Every testimony is different.  We each are building our own stone walls.  Some stones may not properly fit for the time being, so I just put it down and find others that do fit to build my wall.  Eventually I will find where that "confusing" stone goes.  But just because I have 1, 2, maybe even 10 or 20 stones that don't "fit" right now, doesn't mean I knock my wall down. 

Bottom line is, the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true.  We do have a prophet to lead us.  He speaks with God and then shares those words with us.  That's the church in a nutshell for me.  The knowledge that just like prophets in the Old Testament, in the New Testament, and Book of Mormon, we have modern day prophets that lead and guide us.  It's a LUCKY thing!

I'm so sick and tired of people leaving the church and then bashing it.  I guess it's bound to happen.  It happened in ancient days.  Heck, Christ was eventually crucified.  Many times I can totally sympathize with how a person "began" the slippery slope of inactivity.  And then I can see so clearly how satan traps them.  I have to admit, that is why I get so scared for myself because I can see how easily it could happen to me.  I pray every day, well, more like talk in my head every second of the day, to Heavenly Father, because I don't want to become blinded by satan.  I love Heavenly Father, I love Jesus Christ, and I have been blessed with a testimony that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is Christ's church, RESTORED in these latter days. 

Nothing made me madder when my MIL told my husband that she questioned my commitment to the Gospel.  It's that kind of crap  that I hate about members of the church.  But that's the thing, MEMBERS can be idiots, they can be bigots,  they can hypocrites, they can be judgmental double standard ass holes, but it doesn't change the fact Joseph Smith saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  It doesn't change the fact that ancient prophets in the Americas kept records of their conversations with Jesus and their dealings with their people.  It doesn't change the fact that the ancient prophet Moroni took those records, buried them in the ground, and then, centuries later, appeared to Joseph Smith, and showed him where he buried those records.  It doesn't change the fact that Joseph Smith translated those records from Ancient Egyptian to English so we could read them.  It doesn't change the fact that today, Thomas S. Monson is our prophet.

So no, I'm not going to sign that stupid petition.  No, I'm not going to jump on the "women should have the priesthood" bandwagon.  The prophet hasn't given the green light on these things. 

I will however embrace my identity and embrace my free agency.  I'll dress modestly (MY DEFINITION) I'll keep the Word of Wisdom (MY DEFINITION) I'll keep the Sabbath Day (MY DEFINITION) I'll be a member missionary (MY DEFINITION) I'll stand for truth and righteousness (MY DEFINITION) 

The Gospel is actually very simple, very liberating.  I hope and pray my children grow to understand this.  And stay firm in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.