Back at BYU, 1998 ish, I was playing soccer when I was supposed to be helping with the Special Olympics. For me it was a no brainer. Play soccer vs. not play soccer. I still remember it like it was this morning. I was playing striker and running full speed towards the goal. The ball was passed sooner than I anticipated so I quickly planted my left foot and slide into the ball with the bottom of my right foot. And completely destroyed my knee. I heard the tear, the snap, the pop. I didn't know then what I had done and just figured I had sprained my knee and would be back in no time. Not so. I had what people call "the unhappy triad" and after surgery to fix my knee, had about 6 weeks of crutches and 6 months of therapy. Oh, I did score that goal though! :)
2 weeks ago, while playing basketball, I jumped up to get the ball and landed with my right leg going one way and my body going the other. I heard the familiar pop pop and seriously, started cussing because A it hurt and B, this time I knew what I had done and I was pissed.
It was Tuesday, the 2nd day of summer.
On Monday I had planned my summer days with the kids, all of which would start off with me running to the gym, working out, running back and getting things going with the kids. It was the summer, I had planned, to really get into shape. I had 2 miscarriages in the past 2 months and figured, "not getting pregnant anymore. So the silver lining can be getting my body back!"
I'm really struggling with this. I know it's superficial, I know at 41 and still pretty active, I have a lot to be thankful for. But it's still so hard. Running, playing basketball, doing things, it's my therapy. It's my Prozac. When I feel overwhelmed or super angry, I go for a quick run and come back totally cured. When I feel trim and fit, I just feel happier. I was sad about the miscarriages, but really, I thought that by closing this chapter I could open a new chapter of getting in super shape. Not to be cool, not to fit in better with all these crazy fit ID moms, not to feel more confident around chubby people. But simply, to feel good about myself.
Matt gave me a blessing and in it, he said that the Lord was aware of me and knew what I needed even before I knew what I needed for myself. I took comfort in the blessing, figuring that my knee would have a miraculous prognosis at the ortho's office.
I know the Lord is aware of me, I've had plenty of experiences where that has been PROVEN. I'm just having such a hard time with this. There was no miraculous prognosis, and when I went in today for the MRI, I ended up not getting it. I took a pregnancy test last week and it came back positive. So the radiologist said, "lets put this off just to be safe." The thing is, I haven't been sick so I'm afraid it's going to be yet another miscarriage. 4 miscarriages total. Added to this, our Kent house isn't selling like I was hoping it would.
If there ever were a time that I could use a good jog to the gym, it'd be now.
So I'm just trying to figure out that blessing. "The Lord knows what I need before I know."
Patience? Do I need to learn patience? Did I need to slow down? Cherish my kids better? I have definitely learned that I took my 8 pregnancies for granted, that's for sure!
I've been struggling with "little churchy things" lately. Are these experiences to help me understand to put those pesky thoughts to rest?
I don't know. I don't have an answer.
But I know I will get one. Life can be difficult. I am so very aware that my "difficult" may seem like child's play when compared to others' "difficult" but it's still hard. Last Sunday in Sunday School, we were discussing Nephi and his travels and how he reacted to hard things. Even his father, the prophet, who had seen visions and spoke with the Lord, murmured at one time. He didn't murmur when he had to move his family out of their city. He didn't murmur when he had to send his 4 sons back TWICE to that city. He didn't murmur when he realized he'd be crossing the ocean. He murmured when food became scarce. Which makes ma laugh a little. Going hungry does seem to make me cranky. Point being, we all have our breaking points, we all react differently to different trials.
But then I think about Nephi, how he sorta got the raw end of the deal. Always having to deal with his rebellious brothers who hated him. Always taking the "upper road." I mean, he even spent the rest of his life knowing that his posterity would eventually become extinct. Yet, the blessings he was given, or better yet, the blessings that I've even been given because of him, are endless. Had he not built that boat, I wouldn't have the Book of Mormon today.
Wow, this blog took a crazy turn. :) Didn't mean to go down this road.
I've just got to figure out my attitude towards everything. Lately, it's been pretty crappy to say the least. Somehow, I need to pull myself out of this funk. After writing this, actually, I feel better!
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