A few months ago we were challenged at church to set a date and on that date, you were supposed to share the gospel with someone.
We picked Dec 28th as our day.
And it's the 30 and no one has even mentioned forgetting about the goal much less even mentioned it at all.
So I'm going to say a few things here. Kinda motivated by a conversation I had with a lady about a month ago.
Here's the low down:
I went to get my eye looked at. 3 years ago McSmiley scratched my eye and I'm still suffering with it. The visit cost me over $200, but I think I'm finally on the right track. Anyways, I was in the back room getting checked in by a lady who was wearing a blue dress, hair pulled up in a bun, no make up ... I took her for Mennonite.
She asked how many kids I had and when I said 8 it floored her. She wondered how we afforded it both financially, mentally, emotionally etc. I wasn't at all offended by her asking because I could tell she was truly curious and not being judgmental. I get asked these types of questions anytime people find out we have 8. I can spot judger from about 50 thousand miles away. She wasn't.
I then asked her about her religion, asked if she was Mennonite. She wasn't, but her religion was similar regarding dress code etc. I said that I knew Mennonites had large families and if her religion was the same. Regarding families. She simply told me she wasn't married and that was that.
She asked what religion I was and when I told her "Mormon" I could tell her face changed. I jokingly called her out on it. And asked what SHE knew about Mormonism. She didn't TOTALLY answer my question, but did say, "I just can't agree with having a Bible which says you don't add to or take away and then accepting another book. And I just can't agree with following what's said in this book that was written by some guy."
I wanted to explain things to her, I was comfortable enough with her, but in all honesty, I didn't feel it was right and I did notice, as she was sharing her understanding of Mormonism, she was getting a bit defensive. So I simply said, "I can understand why you would think that."
That wasn't a lie. Because honestly, if I heard of a religion that basically had some guy write another book to go along with the Bible and the members of that religion "canonized" that book, I'd be marginally SCARED of that person because I'd see that person as brainwashed. And brainwashed people are the scary cuz they're kind of ... Robotic.
Sooo, I'm going to write what I would have told that lady. Keep things simple so if one day, any of my kids wonder or struggle with their own understanding of their own religion, maybe they can read this and at least have an idea of what went on in their mom's head.
Having 8 kids actually comes in handy here. As I teach my own children the things that I feel are important, even crucial for their own upbringing, happiness, it makes understanding the purpose of the Book of Mormon that much easier.
All 8 of my kids get the same instruction. All 8 learn or will learn that you respect authority. They will all learn the importance of staying out of debt. Of working hard at school and sports. They will all learn how to play an instrument. They will all learn, because I'm their mother, the reasons of eating healthy and the wisdom of enjoying desserts. I want my kids to all learn the invaluable lesson that humor brings. They will learn the it's super important to run AGAINST traffic. I'll teach them everything I know!
What if we were separated? What if 4 stayed with me and 4 went to the opposite side of the world? Would I stop parenting them? No. I would call them, I would text them, I would write them. They would all still hear from me, know my wishes, hopes and desires for them. I'd still guide them. Not just the ones with me, but also the ones far away from me.
It's not fair to say that the Bible is THE ONLY WORD OF GOD. Come on! What's contained in the Bible? Commandments, counsel, words of wisdom, warnings, teachings. And who got all this information? The people who lived in that area. Way back when the Bible was being written, what was happening? God was guiding people via his prophets. And they all lived in the middle east. The orient. Whatever you may call it.
What about the other continents? What about the other people who didn't live on that side of the world? What about, dare I say it? The AMERICAS? I mean, when Christopher Columbus discovered America, what did he find? More PEOPLE. Where was THEIR bible? Where are the stories of God talking to his prophets like he did the prophets in the middle east? Would it have been fair that God only spoke with prophets to guide His children in Jerusalem?
Of course not. God also guided the people that Christopher Columbus found. And there's records of His interactions with His children in the Americas. That's the Book of Mormon. In this book, you'll find teachings from Heavenly Father to His children via prophets in the AMERICAS. Commandments, counsel, words of wisdom, warnings, teachings. Matthew, Mark, Luke and John never walked amongst the people in North, South, and Central America. How could they have? And what about Abraham, Noah, Isaiah. How could they have?
But that's OK because guess what? There were other prophets in America, talking to God, guiding His children. Only their names were Nephi, Lehi, Alma, Moroni.
That's why the Book of Mormon has on the cover, "Another testament of Jesus Christ." Because guess what? Like the prophets prophesied of Christ coming in the Bible, the prophets in the Americas also prophesied of Christ coming in the Book of Mormon. And when Christ told his people after he was resurrected, "Other sheep I have which are not of this fold, they will also see me and hear my voice..." well, guess what? There's an account in the Book of Mormon of Christ visiting the Americas!
If find it so extremely exciting!
So no, Joe Smith did not write the Book of Mormon. Long story short, the last prophet in the Americas to write in the plates, he buried the book and years later, centuries later, Joseph Smith dug them up. And translated them into English.
It's actually quite simple. Really. We are all God's children. All "8" of us. He spoke to His children in Jerusalem (and surrounding areas) and all the teachings and commandments are found in the Bible. Thank goodness for the Bible! He also spoke to his children in the Americas and all of THOSE teaching and commandments are found in the Book of Mormon. And because both books contain the teachings and commandments of Jesus, then guess what? The Bible and Book of Mormon compliment each other. They BOTH testify of Christ.
Which leads me to believe there are probably many other books out there, written by ancient prophets, that haven't been uncovered yet. Because guess what? I'm confident there are more "peoples" out there who were lead by prophets who spoke to Heavenly Father and Christ. I believe this because I know we are all God's children and He desires to teach and guide us all.
Just as I desire to and guide all of my children.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Sunday, December 14, 2014
The bird
Last month I was standing in my kitchen, zoning, staring out the huge window we have and watching 3 birds interact with each other. I love watching nature. One bird was the aggressive one, the other much more submissive, and the 3rd the opportunist. I'm not making this stuff up. They were all trying to eat a large roll that I'm guessing Riley or more like Owen tossed in the midst of some outdoor play.
The more submissive bird would go for the bread, get a nibble, then jump away as the aggressive bird came close. When the aggressive bird would chase the submissive bird away, the opportunist would hop in and grab a bite, then jump back. All 3 birds, regardless of tactic, got about the same amount of bread.
I found myself thinking, "Why doesn't one of them just grab the bread and fly off?" Was the piece too big? Was it taboo? Was it just not in bird nature to take a huge piece? Maybe their tiny beaks were too small to handle such a large object? I wasn't sure.
Out of no where a 4th bird swooped down, grabbed the entire piece, and flew off. Just like that. I watched the 3 birds, reacting to what had just happened by jumping around and chirping, then fly off.
Not to sound too cheesy, but I found myself thinking about bird #4. He seemed to "break protocol" as he had obviously also seen that bread but "did his own thing". He must have sat back, studied his peers, and took matters into his own hands. He didn't join the group, he simply did things his own way. And it totally worked for him.
And maybe I'm totally flirting with General Conference type "application stories", but bird #4 brings me to the point of this post tonight.
Matt just graduated from the PA program here at JMU. When we moved to VA, 10 years ago, the idea was to get his PhD from UVA, find a research position, and teach microbiology. We had 3 kids at the time and lived in a 1600 sq foot home, which we bought.
People thought we were crazy to buy a home, even family members. People thought we were crazier still to have a 4th, then 5th, then a 6th baby while still in school. "How do you afford it? I guess they won't be playing sports? How do you fit everyone in that tiny house?"
After he graduated and started working, Matt came home one evening and said, "JMU has a PA program. I want to go back to school." And so with 6 kids and a 7th on the way, we made a "career" change and went back to school. We both felt very good about it. I remember the day Matt told me and I had an immediate "content" and "hopeful" feeling come over me. It was the right thing to do. Of course, many thought we were ... crazy. Matt was mid-30s, father of 6. You just don't start over!
Miracle after miracle happened. We found a house we could buy that better accommodated our family, an awesome tenant for our current house, Matt was accepted into the program, and both of our parents found themselves in financial situations to help support us.
Being supported by parents, as a parent yourself, is very humbling. To say the least. We couldn't have done it without their help. We couldn't have.
Matt entered the program and did great. The month we had child #8 he began his rotations, and the same week she turned 1, Matt graduated from the PA program, looking forward to a job in ID that will better support our family than if he just stayed as a research scientist. Our financial future is now more secure, more promising, than if he stayed on the path he originally started out on.
For the most part, people would shake their heads at our decision making skills. Or scratch their heads. You don't buy houses when you're a student. You don't go back to school after getting a job. And you especially don't have 8 kids while doing all this.
I walk away from this experience with a strengthened testimony of "personal revelation." When an individual or a couple come together and include the Lord in their decision making, it's going to be the right decision. Not the EASIEST decision, or the decision that makes the most sense, but definitely the RIGHT decision.
I am so incredibly grateful to my dad. He grew up Lutheran, in an upscale neighborhood. He married a poor Filipina girl and joined the Mormon church. His parents did not understand his choices. But my dad has and always has had a very close relationship with Heavenly Father and he let Heavenly Father guide him, regardless of the naysayers and head shakers. He moved his family to Germany my sophomore year in high school. Looking back, my dad has never taken the easy road, the "expected" road. And we have been so blessed. As an adult, I can see how blessed I am to have been raised by parents who take risks, who go against the grain, because it comes as second nature to me to do the same.
But my dad has ALWAYS sought the Lord in his decisions. And those decisions always end up being the right ones. And just because I have felt guided, I'd be lying if I say I don't stress out. I have aged a bit due to stress these past 2 years, but that's where I know I am flawed. I might have the courage to take those steps into the darkness, but it is with anxious heart, and even doubting mind. I think the Lord is OK with that though. He's not expecting me to be perfect.
And these best part of this? My kids totally play sports! :)
The more submissive bird would go for the bread, get a nibble, then jump away as the aggressive bird came close. When the aggressive bird would chase the submissive bird away, the opportunist would hop in and grab a bite, then jump back. All 3 birds, regardless of tactic, got about the same amount of bread.
I found myself thinking, "Why doesn't one of them just grab the bread and fly off?" Was the piece too big? Was it taboo? Was it just not in bird nature to take a huge piece? Maybe their tiny beaks were too small to handle such a large object? I wasn't sure.
Out of no where a 4th bird swooped down, grabbed the entire piece, and flew off. Just like that. I watched the 3 birds, reacting to what had just happened by jumping around and chirping, then fly off.
Not to sound too cheesy, but I found myself thinking about bird #4. He seemed to "break protocol" as he had obviously also seen that bread but "did his own thing". He must have sat back, studied his peers, and took matters into his own hands. He didn't join the group, he simply did things his own way. And it totally worked for him.
And maybe I'm totally flirting with General Conference type "application stories", but bird #4 brings me to the point of this post tonight.
Matt just graduated from the PA program here at JMU. When we moved to VA, 10 years ago, the idea was to get his PhD from UVA, find a research position, and teach microbiology. We had 3 kids at the time and lived in a 1600 sq foot home, which we bought.
People thought we were crazy to buy a home, even family members. People thought we were crazier still to have a 4th, then 5th, then a 6th baby while still in school. "How do you afford it? I guess they won't be playing sports? How do you fit everyone in that tiny house?"
After he graduated and started working, Matt came home one evening and said, "JMU has a PA program. I want to go back to school." And so with 6 kids and a 7th on the way, we made a "career" change and went back to school. We both felt very good about it. I remember the day Matt told me and I had an immediate "content" and "hopeful" feeling come over me. It was the right thing to do. Of course, many thought we were ... crazy. Matt was mid-30s, father of 6. You just don't start over!
Miracle after miracle happened. We found a house we could buy that better accommodated our family, an awesome tenant for our current house, Matt was accepted into the program, and both of our parents found themselves in financial situations to help support us.
Being supported by parents, as a parent yourself, is very humbling. To say the least. We couldn't have done it without their help. We couldn't have.
Matt entered the program and did great. The month we had child #8 he began his rotations, and the same week she turned 1, Matt graduated from the PA program, looking forward to a job in ID that will better support our family than if he just stayed as a research scientist. Our financial future is now more secure, more promising, than if he stayed on the path he originally started out on.
For the most part, people would shake their heads at our decision making skills. Or scratch their heads. You don't buy houses when you're a student. You don't go back to school after getting a job. And you especially don't have 8 kids while doing all this.
I walk away from this experience with a strengthened testimony of "personal revelation." When an individual or a couple come together and include the Lord in their decision making, it's going to be the right decision. Not the EASIEST decision, or the decision that makes the most sense, but definitely the RIGHT decision.
I am so incredibly grateful to my dad. He grew up Lutheran, in an upscale neighborhood. He married a poor Filipina girl and joined the Mormon church. His parents did not understand his choices. But my dad has and always has had a very close relationship with Heavenly Father and he let Heavenly Father guide him, regardless of the naysayers and head shakers. He moved his family to Germany my sophomore year in high school. Looking back, my dad has never taken the easy road, the "expected" road. And we have been so blessed. As an adult, I can see how blessed I am to have been raised by parents who take risks, who go against the grain, because it comes as second nature to me to do the same.
But my dad has ALWAYS sought the Lord in his decisions. And those decisions always end up being the right ones. And just because I have felt guided, I'd be lying if I say I don't stress out. I have aged a bit due to stress these past 2 years, but that's where I know I am flawed. I might have the courage to take those steps into the darkness, but it is with anxious heart, and even doubting mind. I think the Lord is OK with that though. He's not expecting me to be perfect.
And these best part of this? My kids totally play sports! :)
Friday, December 5, 2014
Bubba
When I'm super emotional, whether it be happy, sad, mad, excited, whatever, I write. Writing is my "elixir" so to speak.
I'm really needing to write. Honestly, I feel it even chemically, in
my body, that I need to write. And really, for the first time every, I
REALLY want people to read this. And I may get in trouble for it
because it's going to be allll about this guy I dated for about 3 years
in college (BYU.)
Dirk. I can still remember the day I first laid eyes on him. It was the fall of 1992, right out of high school. Spanish 101. I had taken about 4 years of Spanish in high school, but I took 101 because I needed an easy 'A', a class that would allow me "rest" from the crappy abusive GE's that BYU goes to hell and back to make difficult. I remember entering the room, from the back, and seeing a guy with super curly black hair in the back. I sat behind him because I ALWAYS sat in the back of my classes, like, the last row, so I could come late, leave early, sleep, w/o being noticed. He was in the row 2nd to last. His hair bothered me. It was too curly. He turned around to say hi. Definitely wasn't cute. But nice enough.
Maybe because I wasn't attracted to him, maybe that's why we hit it off so easily? I wasn't intimidated by "his hotness" cuz hot guys intimidated me. I'd act too idiotically around them. He was kind of a slacker in class like I was, too. So we'd sit in the back and have easy conversations as sneakily as possible cuz it's not like it was a huge auditorium. I enjoyed him. He was a fun friend. I started looking forward to my M/W Spanish class. We started studying together. He was cool. Confident but didn't care that he was confident. He liked who he was.
About that time I was actually going through a break up with a guy who basically dumped me for my hot and super sexy roommate Cara. She really was a hottie. I couldn't blame him. And he was hot, so I couldn't blame her. One evening I remember Dirk calling to see if I wanted to go to the movies. Sure, why not? My hot sexy boyfriend was going out with my hot sexy roommate anyways. I told Cara that I was going out and she said, "Hey, could Hyrum and I get a ride with you?" "uhhhh, suuuure." I remember the 4 of us going out, Dirk totally knowing who they were, and not believing what was actually happening. I remember him looking at me with the "you really want them to come with us?" look. I was over it. And Dirk really was fun for me.
He was my buddy all year long. We took Spanish 102 together. We played soccer together, tennis a lot. Skipped class ALL the time just to go out to eat. He made me laugh, didn't judge my awkwardness at all, he was calm. When I'd get frustrated about anything, he was always so optimistic, didn't worry. He actually taught me how to drive. His Toyota 4 Runner he lovingly named "Bubba." I learned how to drive in that car with him, feet propped on his dashboard. He taught me how to ski. He didn't snowboard. Skiing was way better anyways, so that's what he taught me. He was a great teacher!
I have to admit, I don't know exactly when I fell in love with that guy, but I did. It happened over time. But because of it, it really made our dating years solid, comfortable. Maybe too comfortable? We were both slackers when it came to things like going to church (why go to church when you could enjoy the awesome weather, go out to eat, and just hang w/o the guilt of skipping class??) I wasn't big into churchy stuff, I made fun of crazy Relief Society presidents, he made fun of his stalwart home teachers. We were a perfect match! :)
And holy cow did we laugh together!
He was a great soccer player. I remember REALLY liking that about him. I am a HUGE sucker for soccer players. And he was a great one. He'd come to my intramural soccer games and totally be confused at why I didn't do certain things. "You totally could have made a goal if you just kicked it and didn't play with it!" Then we'd get together later on and practice whatever it was I screwed up on. Most likely during my Econ 110 class.
I knew we were going to get married. I had prayed about it, felt good about it. It was just going to be a matter of time. His birthday, May 29th, mine, January 29th. So I had already planned that whenever we got married, it'd be the 29th of that month. Couldn't be Feb. of course.
So the floor totally came out from under me when he asked me to marry him. We drove up the canyon, full of snow, I didn't expect anything. We were always doing that. We got out to just look around and he went down on his knee to ask me to marry him. And it was at that very moment that I knew it was wrong. Just KNEW it. And it totally shook me up. It confused me. I pushed the feeling away and accepted the ring happily. I tried to be happy. But I was fighting the realization I just had that he was the wrong guy. How COULD he be the wrong guy? He was my Dirk!!
I fought it for a month or so, but it just got stronger and stronger. And in it's place came an even STRONGER feeling that I was to serve a mission. I was a COMPLETE slacker when it came to church stuff. It was during this time that I started reading the Book of Mormon. Upon realizing the value of this book and that "We have a LIVING PROPHET" (something I hadn't really clued in to my first 20 years of life) I just knew I had to serve a mission. This was actually a very very hard time for me because I even wondered if it was satan tempting me away from the man I was supposed to marry, and tricking me into going on a mission. We're taught that marriage is more important than a mission for all LDS girls, aren't we? (I have more to speak on that, but that's for a later time.)
I was as confused as I'd ever been. I decided I needed to make a decision and see it through. So I decided I really did need to serve a mission and break the engagement off with Dirk. I remember thinking, "He's never gotten mad at me, for sure he'll go berserk, and I definitely don't want a husband to go berserk when things go bad, so when he loses his temper and starts getting all mad at me, that'll be a sign that I made the right decision!" I remember giving him the ring and stepping out of his car. He did nothing but drive away. Later on he called me, wanted to talk. I knew I'd get my "sign" then.
I remember sitting with him outside of my Alta apartment, just Dirk and me. I was almost smirking cuz I knew he'd go off on me, then I'd say, "this is the REAL you and I can't marry that!" cuz I needed confirmation that my decision was right and this would be it.
We sat down and he said, in the most kindest, patient, most sweetest way, "you follow your star. I'll follow mine. If they cross paths in the future, then we'll see if our stars could continue together." He then gave me a CTR ring. And that was that.
I was floored. I was reeling. I was heartbroken, confused, and most of all, I was scared. He was my best friend, and I was letting him go. And basically walking off into very uncertain territory, as it'd been about 3 years of just the 2 of us. And I knew I was letting go of a good thing.
No one else really treated me like he did. I wasn't judged by him, wasn't looked down on by him, wasn't seen as a "project" to fix. He simply treated me kindly. Always patient. Always laughing.
On my mission, towards the end of my mission, I had a dream about him. I dreamt that I saw him holding hands with his wife. Dirk was 6'2", his wife came to his shoulder in my dream. Her hair was straight and hit at her shoulders, sorta curled in a bit when it hit. And they were both very VERY happy. In my dream they were both looking at me with big, happy, content smiles. His mom was with them, too. And I could feel her love for Dirk's wife. And in my dream, I thought, "Heavenly Father, why did You not let me marry him?" After asking this question, I was taken to a door, and it opened up, and it was FILLED with people. It was a gym with a stage, and it had levels. And there were people everywhere. And in my dream I heard the words, "Because of your mission, these people came to know the Gospel." And that's how I FINALLY got my answer. I KNEW I had made the right decision.
After my mission, I actually ran into Dirk. Well, I actually ran AWAY from him. I was at the mall with my friend Samantha and I remember her suddenly turning to me, eyes wide and screamed, "There's DIRK!" I looked up and saw him, holding hands with a lady. Coming towards me. I spun on my heels and RAN. I just didn't know what to do. I couldn't handle doing anything. It was either "fumble or flight" and I flew. I'm hoping and praying that when they saw me, Dirk lied to her and said, "I have no idea who that crazy was!"
That lady came to his shoulder, had straight hair that hit at her shoulders, and they were happily holding hands.
I didn't get married until almost 3 years after my mission. Many times I wondered, even after that dream, if I had made a mistake, letting go of Dirk. Then I met Matt. My knight in shining armor. He was actually wearing purple pants. Color blind. He thought they were navy. Matt has never lost his temper with me, even after almost 15 years, and believe me, I can push buttons! He's so sweet to me, so patient. And we laugh a LOT. And with the ups and downs of marriage and raising a family, I thank God every day for him. Matt was the one Heavenly Father wanted me to marry. Heavenly Father wanted Dirk to marry Megan. It all turned out just fine.
Of course, years later. I get curious. I was on FaceBook the other day, curious to see how my Dirk was doing. Honestly, curious to see how he was looking these days and also hoping and praying that he was happy, that things worked out well for him. I found his best friend, then his Aunt. Then I found a picture of him on his Aunt's FB wall, and next to it, comments like, "He was such a sweet guy" and "I'm sorry for your loss" and "This is heart breaking."
I. Couldn't. Breathe.
In June, just a few months ago, Dirk passed away. A heart attack. Sudden, out of the blue, no warning flags.
I'm still reeling from this. Waves of emotion hit me, out of no where. Heartbreak for him, heartbreak for his wife, his precious kids. Heartbreak for his mom. Imaging what they're going through. He has 3 girls. Girls need their father. A wife needs her husband. A mother needs her son. And guaranteed he was amazing at all 3 roles.
I find it interesting that this happened in June and I'm finding about it just now. The day after Matt joined the group in ID, I find out Dirk passed away. I don't think it's a coincidence. Because I'm suddenly not burdened by a "new job that makes us move across the country." I'm suddenly feeling kinder towards Matt. In the past, I'd get frustrated that this road we took together has been so long. Now I'm reminded how kind Matt is to me and the kids, how hard he works, how sweet he is to me. I'm reminded, as I reflect upon my time with Dirk, that I was kinda mean to him and he was never mean back. And I feel pangs of guilt.
If I died today, Matt would have zero guilt. He's treated me like a cherished queen from day one. If Matt passed today, I'd be riddled with guilt. I think when someone passes, friends and family left behind are left with reminders of that person's strengths, not their weaknesses. And if you treated that person poorly, you're filed with guilt and remorse, maybe because you didn't appreciate that person like you should have? It's been a long hard road with Matt, only because of finances, and I'd let the stress of that turn my heart angry. My heart has suddenly softened. I'm sure moving a family across the country, in the dead of winter, saying good bye to soul mate friends, leaving a comfortable home and town will be stressful. With Dirk's passing, I'm reminded that really, it's not a big deal. What's the bigger deal than the journey is HOW we "journeyed".
I'm reminded that I have a treasure trove of a husband and family. I'm reminded to treat Matt better, to not let the small things bother me. To relax. To enjoy this journey. I feel in my heart of hearts that the dream I had years ago of Dirk and his wife Megan wasn't "fulfilled" when I saw them at the mall that afternoon. I'm confident that Heavenly Father gave me a glimpse of Heaven. I'm confident that after this life, I'll get to see Dirk again. And I'm confident that when I see him, he'll be holding hands with his Megan and they'll both be smiling and happy. And Matt and I will be doing the exact same thing.
Heavenly Father knew what He was doing all along. I didn't need to be confused. I just needed to trust. And enjoy the journey.
The link to learn about him as a dad and husband. He is GREAT! http://www.ncadvertiser.com/34941/dirk-hart-1971-2014-friends-raising-money-for-dads-family/
Dirk. I can still remember the day I first laid eyes on him. It was the fall of 1992, right out of high school. Spanish 101. I had taken about 4 years of Spanish in high school, but I took 101 because I needed an easy 'A', a class that would allow me "rest" from the crappy abusive GE's that BYU goes to hell and back to make difficult. I remember entering the room, from the back, and seeing a guy with super curly black hair in the back. I sat behind him because I ALWAYS sat in the back of my classes, like, the last row, so I could come late, leave early, sleep, w/o being noticed. He was in the row 2nd to last. His hair bothered me. It was too curly. He turned around to say hi. Definitely wasn't cute. But nice enough.
Maybe because I wasn't attracted to him, maybe that's why we hit it off so easily? I wasn't intimidated by "his hotness" cuz hot guys intimidated me. I'd act too idiotically around them. He was kind of a slacker in class like I was, too. So we'd sit in the back and have easy conversations as sneakily as possible cuz it's not like it was a huge auditorium. I enjoyed him. He was a fun friend. I started looking forward to my M/W Spanish class. We started studying together. He was cool. Confident but didn't care that he was confident. He liked who he was.
About that time I was actually going through a break up with a guy who basically dumped me for my hot and super sexy roommate Cara. She really was a hottie. I couldn't blame him. And he was hot, so I couldn't blame her. One evening I remember Dirk calling to see if I wanted to go to the movies. Sure, why not? My hot sexy boyfriend was going out with my hot sexy roommate anyways. I told Cara that I was going out and she said, "Hey, could Hyrum and I get a ride with you?" "uhhhh, suuuure." I remember the 4 of us going out, Dirk totally knowing who they were, and not believing what was actually happening. I remember him looking at me with the "you really want them to come with us?" look. I was over it. And Dirk really was fun for me.
He was my buddy all year long. We took Spanish 102 together. We played soccer together, tennis a lot. Skipped class ALL the time just to go out to eat. He made me laugh, didn't judge my awkwardness at all, he was calm. When I'd get frustrated about anything, he was always so optimistic, didn't worry. He actually taught me how to drive. His Toyota 4 Runner he lovingly named "Bubba." I learned how to drive in that car with him, feet propped on his dashboard. He taught me how to ski. He didn't snowboard. Skiing was way better anyways, so that's what he taught me. He was a great teacher!
I have to admit, I don't know exactly when I fell in love with that guy, but I did. It happened over time. But because of it, it really made our dating years solid, comfortable. Maybe too comfortable? We were both slackers when it came to things like going to church (why go to church when you could enjoy the awesome weather, go out to eat, and just hang w/o the guilt of skipping class??) I wasn't big into churchy stuff, I made fun of crazy Relief Society presidents, he made fun of his stalwart home teachers. We were a perfect match! :)
And holy cow did we laugh together!
He was a great soccer player. I remember REALLY liking that about him. I am a HUGE sucker for soccer players. And he was a great one. He'd come to my intramural soccer games and totally be confused at why I didn't do certain things. "You totally could have made a goal if you just kicked it and didn't play with it!" Then we'd get together later on and practice whatever it was I screwed up on. Most likely during my Econ 110 class.
I knew we were going to get married. I had prayed about it, felt good about it. It was just going to be a matter of time. His birthday, May 29th, mine, January 29th. So I had already planned that whenever we got married, it'd be the 29th of that month. Couldn't be Feb. of course.
So the floor totally came out from under me when he asked me to marry him. We drove up the canyon, full of snow, I didn't expect anything. We were always doing that. We got out to just look around and he went down on his knee to ask me to marry him. And it was at that very moment that I knew it was wrong. Just KNEW it. And it totally shook me up. It confused me. I pushed the feeling away and accepted the ring happily. I tried to be happy. But I was fighting the realization I just had that he was the wrong guy. How COULD he be the wrong guy? He was my Dirk!!
I fought it for a month or so, but it just got stronger and stronger. And in it's place came an even STRONGER feeling that I was to serve a mission. I was a COMPLETE slacker when it came to church stuff. It was during this time that I started reading the Book of Mormon. Upon realizing the value of this book and that "We have a LIVING PROPHET" (something I hadn't really clued in to my first 20 years of life) I just knew I had to serve a mission. This was actually a very very hard time for me because I even wondered if it was satan tempting me away from the man I was supposed to marry, and tricking me into going on a mission. We're taught that marriage is more important than a mission for all LDS girls, aren't we? (I have more to speak on that, but that's for a later time.)
I was as confused as I'd ever been. I decided I needed to make a decision and see it through. So I decided I really did need to serve a mission and break the engagement off with Dirk. I remember thinking, "He's never gotten mad at me, for sure he'll go berserk, and I definitely don't want a husband to go berserk when things go bad, so when he loses his temper and starts getting all mad at me, that'll be a sign that I made the right decision!" I remember giving him the ring and stepping out of his car. He did nothing but drive away. Later on he called me, wanted to talk. I knew I'd get my "sign" then.
I remember sitting with him outside of my Alta apartment, just Dirk and me. I was almost smirking cuz I knew he'd go off on me, then I'd say, "this is the REAL you and I can't marry that!" cuz I needed confirmation that my decision was right and this would be it.
We sat down and he said, in the most kindest, patient, most sweetest way, "you follow your star. I'll follow mine. If they cross paths in the future, then we'll see if our stars could continue together." He then gave me a CTR ring. And that was that.
I was floored. I was reeling. I was heartbroken, confused, and most of all, I was scared. He was my best friend, and I was letting him go. And basically walking off into very uncertain territory, as it'd been about 3 years of just the 2 of us. And I knew I was letting go of a good thing.
No one else really treated me like he did. I wasn't judged by him, wasn't looked down on by him, wasn't seen as a "project" to fix. He simply treated me kindly. Always patient. Always laughing.
On my mission, towards the end of my mission, I had a dream about him. I dreamt that I saw him holding hands with his wife. Dirk was 6'2", his wife came to his shoulder in my dream. Her hair was straight and hit at her shoulders, sorta curled in a bit when it hit. And they were both very VERY happy. In my dream they were both looking at me with big, happy, content smiles. His mom was with them, too. And I could feel her love for Dirk's wife. And in my dream, I thought, "Heavenly Father, why did You not let me marry him?" After asking this question, I was taken to a door, and it opened up, and it was FILLED with people. It was a gym with a stage, and it had levels. And there were people everywhere. And in my dream I heard the words, "Because of your mission, these people came to know the Gospel." And that's how I FINALLY got my answer. I KNEW I had made the right decision.
After my mission, I actually ran into Dirk. Well, I actually ran AWAY from him. I was at the mall with my friend Samantha and I remember her suddenly turning to me, eyes wide and screamed, "There's DIRK!" I looked up and saw him, holding hands with a lady. Coming towards me. I spun on my heels and RAN. I just didn't know what to do. I couldn't handle doing anything. It was either "fumble or flight" and I flew. I'm hoping and praying that when they saw me, Dirk lied to her and said, "I have no idea who that crazy was!"
That lady came to his shoulder, had straight hair that hit at her shoulders, and they were happily holding hands.
I didn't get married until almost 3 years after my mission. Many times I wondered, even after that dream, if I had made a mistake, letting go of Dirk. Then I met Matt. My knight in shining armor. He was actually wearing purple pants. Color blind. He thought they were navy. Matt has never lost his temper with me, even after almost 15 years, and believe me, I can push buttons! He's so sweet to me, so patient. And we laugh a LOT. And with the ups and downs of marriage and raising a family, I thank God every day for him. Matt was the one Heavenly Father wanted me to marry. Heavenly Father wanted Dirk to marry Megan. It all turned out just fine.
Of course, years later. I get curious. I was on FaceBook the other day, curious to see how my Dirk was doing. Honestly, curious to see how he was looking these days and also hoping and praying that he was happy, that things worked out well for him. I found his best friend, then his Aunt. Then I found a picture of him on his Aunt's FB wall, and next to it, comments like, "He was such a sweet guy" and "I'm sorry for your loss" and "This is heart breaking."
I. Couldn't. Breathe.
In June, just a few months ago, Dirk passed away. A heart attack. Sudden, out of the blue, no warning flags.
I'm still reeling from this. Waves of emotion hit me, out of no where. Heartbreak for him, heartbreak for his wife, his precious kids. Heartbreak for his mom. Imaging what they're going through. He has 3 girls. Girls need their father. A wife needs her husband. A mother needs her son. And guaranteed he was amazing at all 3 roles.
I find it interesting that this happened in June and I'm finding about it just now. The day after Matt joined the group in ID, I find out Dirk passed away. I don't think it's a coincidence. Because I'm suddenly not burdened by a "new job that makes us move across the country." I'm suddenly feeling kinder towards Matt. In the past, I'd get frustrated that this road we took together has been so long. Now I'm reminded how kind Matt is to me and the kids, how hard he works, how sweet he is to me. I'm reminded, as I reflect upon my time with Dirk, that I was kinda mean to him and he was never mean back. And I feel pangs of guilt.
If I died today, Matt would have zero guilt. He's treated me like a cherished queen from day one. If Matt passed today, I'd be riddled with guilt. I think when someone passes, friends and family left behind are left with reminders of that person's strengths, not their weaknesses. And if you treated that person poorly, you're filed with guilt and remorse, maybe because you didn't appreciate that person like you should have? It's been a long hard road with Matt, only because of finances, and I'd let the stress of that turn my heart angry. My heart has suddenly softened. I'm sure moving a family across the country, in the dead of winter, saying good bye to soul mate friends, leaving a comfortable home and town will be stressful. With Dirk's passing, I'm reminded that really, it's not a big deal. What's the bigger deal than the journey is HOW we "journeyed".
I'm reminded that I have a treasure trove of a husband and family. I'm reminded to treat Matt better, to not let the small things bother me. To relax. To enjoy this journey. I feel in my heart of hearts that the dream I had years ago of Dirk and his wife Megan wasn't "fulfilled" when I saw them at the mall that afternoon. I'm confident that Heavenly Father gave me a glimpse of Heaven. I'm confident that after this life, I'll get to see Dirk again. And I'm confident that when I see him, he'll be holding hands with his Megan and they'll both be smiling and happy. And Matt and I will be doing the exact same thing.
Heavenly Father knew what He was doing all along. I didn't need to be confused. I just needed to trust. And enjoy the journey.
The link to learn about him as a dad and husband. He is GREAT! http://www.ncadvertiser.com/34941/dirk-hart-1971-2014-friends-raising-money-for-dads-family/
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