When I'm super emotional, whether it be happy, sad, mad, excited, whatever, I write. Writing is my "elixir" so to speak.
I'm really needing to write. Honestly, I feel it even chemically, in
my body, that I need to write. And really, for the first time every, I
REALLY want people to read this. And I may get in trouble for it
because it's going to be allll about this guy I dated for about 3 years
in college (BYU.)
Dirk. I can still remember the day I first laid eyes on him. It was the fall of 1992, right out of high school. Spanish 101. I had taken about 4 years of Spanish in high school, but I took 101 because I needed an easy 'A', a class that would allow me "rest" from the crappy abusive GE's that BYU goes to hell and back to make difficult. I remember entering the room, from the back, and seeing a guy with super curly black hair in the back. I sat behind him because I ALWAYS sat in the back of my classes, like, the last row, so I could come late, leave early, sleep, w/o being noticed. He was in the row 2nd to last. His hair bothered me. It was too curly. He turned around to say hi. Definitely wasn't cute. But nice enough.
Maybe because I wasn't attracted to him, maybe that's why we hit it off so easily? I wasn't intimidated by "his hotness" cuz hot guys intimidated me. I'd act too idiotically around them. He was kind of a slacker in class like I was, too. So we'd sit in the back and have easy conversations as sneakily as possible cuz it's not like it was a huge auditorium. I enjoyed him. He was a fun friend. I started looking forward to my M/W Spanish class. We started studying together. He was cool. Confident but didn't care that he was confident. He liked who he was.
About that time I was actually going through a break up with a guy who basically dumped me for my hot and super sexy roommate Cara. She really was a hottie. I couldn't blame him. And he was hot, so I couldn't blame her. One evening I remember Dirk calling to see if I wanted to go to the movies. Sure, why not? My hot sexy boyfriend was going out with my hot sexy roommate anyways. I told Cara that I was going out and she said, "Hey, could Hyrum and I get a ride with you?" "uhhhh, suuuure." I remember the 4 of us going out, Dirk totally knowing who they were, and not believing what was actually happening. I remember him looking at me with the "you really want them to come with us?" look. I was over it. And Dirk really was fun for me.
He was my buddy all year long. We took Spanish 102 together. We played soccer together, tennis a lot. Skipped class ALL the time just to go out to eat. He made me laugh, didn't judge my awkwardness at all, he was calm. When I'd get frustrated about anything, he was always so optimistic, didn't worry. He actually taught me how to drive. His Toyota 4 Runner he lovingly named "Bubba." I learned how to drive in that car with him, feet propped on his dashboard. He taught me how to ski. He didn't snowboard. Skiing was way better anyways, so that's what he taught me. He was a great teacher!
I have to admit, I don't know exactly when I fell in love with that guy, but I did. It happened over time. But because of it, it really made our dating years solid, comfortable. Maybe too comfortable? We were both slackers when it came to things like going to church (why go to church when you could enjoy the awesome weather, go out to eat, and just hang w/o the guilt of skipping class??) I wasn't big into churchy stuff, I made fun of crazy Relief Society presidents, he made fun of his stalwart home teachers. We were a perfect match! :)
And holy cow did we laugh together!
He was a great soccer player. I remember REALLY liking that about him. I am a HUGE sucker for soccer players. And he was a great one. He'd come to my intramural soccer games and totally be confused at why I didn't do certain things. "You totally could have made a goal if you just kicked it and didn't play with it!" Then we'd get together later on and practice whatever it was I screwed up on. Most likely during my Econ 110 class.
I knew we were going to get married. I had prayed about it, felt good about it. It was just going to be a matter of time. His birthday, May 29th, mine, January 29th. So I had already planned that whenever we got married, it'd be the 29th of that month. Couldn't be Feb. of course.
So the floor totally came out from under me when he asked me to marry him. We drove up the canyon, full of snow, I didn't expect anything. We were always doing that. We got out to just look around and he went down on his knee to ask me to marry him. And it was at that very moment that I knew it was wrong. Just KNEW it. And it totally shook me up. It confused me. I pushed the feeling away and accepted the ring happily. I tried to be happy. But I was fighting the realization I just had that he was the wrong guy. How COULD he be the wrong guy? He was my Dirk!!
I fought it for a month or so, but it just got stronger and stronger. And in it's place came an even STRONGER feeling that I was to serve a mission. I was a COMPLETE slacker when it came to church stuff. It was during this time that I started reading the Book of Mormon. Upon realizing the value of this book and that "We have a LIVING PROPHET" (something I hadn't really clued in to my first 20 years of life) I just knew I had to serve a mission. This was actually a very very hard time for me because I even wondered if it was satan tempting me away from the man I was supposed to marry, and tricking me into going on a mission. We're taught that marriage is more important than a mission for all LDS girls, aren't we? (I have more to speak on that, but that's for a later time.)
I was as confused as I'd ever been. I decided I needed to make a decision and see it through. So I decided I really did need to serve a mission and break the engagement off with Dirk. I remember thinking, "He's never gotten mad at me, for sure he'll go berserk, and I definitely don't want a husband to go berserk when things go bad, so when he loses his temper and starts getting all mad at me, that'll be a sign that I made the right decision!" I remember giving him the ring and stepping out of his car. He did nothing but drive away. Later on he called me, wanted to talk. I knew I'd get my "sign" then.
I remember sitting with him outside of my Alta apartment, just Dirk and me. I was almost smirking cuz I knew he'd go off on me, then I'd say, "this is the REAL you and I can't marry that!" cuz I needed confirmation that my decision was right and this would be it.
We sat down and he said, in the most kindest, patient, most sweetest way, "you follow your star. I'll follow mine. If they cross paths in the future, then we'll see if our stars could continue together." He then gave me a CTR ring. And that was that.
I was floored. I was reeling. I was heartbroken, confused, and most of all, I was scared. He was my best friend, and I was letting him go. And basically walking off into very uncertain territory, as it'd been about 3 years of just the 2 of us. And I knew I was letting go of a good thing.
No one else really treated me like he did. I wasn't judged by him, wasn't looked down on by him, wasn't seen as a "project" to fix. He simply treated me kindly. Always patient. Always laughing.
On my mission, towards the end of my mission, I had a dream about him. I dreamt that I saw him holding hands with his wife. Dirk was 6'2", his wife came to his shoulder in my dream. Her hair was straight and hit at her shoulders, sorta curled in a bit when it hit. And they were both very VERY happy. In my dream they were both looking at me with big, happy, content smiles. His mom was with them, too. And I could feel her love for Dirk's wife. And in my dream, I thought, "Heavenly Father, why did You not let me marry him?" After asking this question, I was taken to a door, and it opened up, and it was FILLED with people. It was a gym with a stage, and it had levels. And there were people everywhere. And in my dream I heard the words, "Because of your mission, these people came to know the Gospel." And that's how I FINALLY got my answer. I KNEW I had made the right decision.
After my mission, I actually ran into Dirk. Well, I actually ran AWAY from him. I was at the mall with my friend Samantha and I remember her suddenly turning to me, eyes wide and screamed, "There's DIRK!" I looked up and saw him, holding hands with a lady. Coming towards me. I spun on my heels and RAN. I just didn't know what to do. I couldn't handle doing anything. It was either "fumble or flight" and I flew. I'm hoping and praying that when they saw me, Dirk lied to her and said, "I have no idea who that crazy was!"
That lady came to his shoulder, had straight hair that hit at her shoulders, and they were happily holding hands.
I didn't get married until almost 3 years after my mission. Many times I wondered, even after that dream, if I had made a mistake, letting go of Dirk. Then I met Matt. My knight in shining armor. He was actually wearing purple pants. Color blind. He thought they were navy. Matt has never lost his temper with me, even after almost 15 years, and believe me, I can push buttons! He's so sweet to me, so patient. And we laugh a LOT. And with the ups and downs of marriage and raising a family, I thank God every day for him. Matt was the one Heavenly Father wanted me to marry. Heavenly Father wanted Dirk to marry Megan. It all turned out just fine.
Of course, years later. I get curious. I was on FaceBook the other day, curious to see how my Dirk was doing. Honestly, curious to see how he was looking these days and also hoping and praying that he was happy, that things worked out well for him. I found his best friend, then his Aunt. Then I found a picture of him on his Aunt's FB wall, and next to it, comments like, "He was such a sweet guy" and "I'm sorry for your loss" and "This is heart breaking."
I. Couldn't. Breathe.
In June, just a few months ago, Dirk passed away. A heart attack. Sudden, out of the blue, no warning flags.
I'm still reeling from this. Waves of emotion hit me, out of no where. Heartbreak for him, heartbreak for his wife, his precious kids. Heartbreak for his mom. Imaging what they're going through. He has 3 girls. Girls need their father. A wife needs her husband. A mother needs her son. And guaranteed he was amazing at all 3 roles.
I find it interesting that this happened in June and I'm finding about it just now. The day after Matt joined the group in ID, I find out Dirk passed away. I don't think it's a coincidence. Because I'm suddenly not burdened by a "new job that makes us move across the country." I'm suddenly feeling kinder towards Matt. In the past, I'd get frustrated that this road we took together has been so long. Now I'm reminded how kind Matt is to me and the kids, how hard he works, how sweet he is to me. I'm reminded, as I reflect upon my time with Dirk, that I was kinda mean to him and he was never mean back. And I feel pangs of guilt.
If I died today, Matt would have zero guilt. He's treated me like a cherished queen from day one. If Matt passed today, I'd be riddled with guilt. I think when someone passes, friends and family left behind are left with reminders of that person's strengths, not their weaknesses. And if you treated that person poorly, you're filed with guilt and remorse, maybe because you didn't appreciate that person like you should have? It's been a long hard road with Matt, only because of finances, and I'd let the stress of that turn my heart angry. My heart has suddenly softened. I'm sure moving a family across the country, in the dead of winter, saying good bye to soul mate friends, leaving a comfortable home and town will be stressful. With Dirk's passing, I'm reminded that really, it's not a big deal. What's the bigger deal than the journey is HOW we "journeyed".
I'm reminded that I have a treasure trove of a husband and family. I'm reminded to treat Matt better, to not let the small things bother me. To relax. To enjoy this journey. I feel in my heart of hearts that the dream I had years ago of Dirk and his wife Megan wasn't "fulfilled" when I saw them at the mall that afternoon. I'm confident that Heavenly Father gave me a glimpse of Heaven. I'm confident that after this life, I'll get to see Dirk again. And I'm confident that when I see him, he'll be holding hands with his Megan and they'll both be smiling and happy. And Matt and I will be doing the exact same thing.
Heavenly Father knew what He was doing all along. I didn't need to be confused. I just needed to trust. And enjoy the journey.
The link to learn about him as a dad and husband. He is GREAT! http://www.ncadvertiser.com/34941/dirk-hart-1971-2014-friends-raising-money-for-dads-family/
Dirk. I can still remember the day I first laid eyes on him. It was the fall of 1992, right out of high school. Spanish 101. I had taken about 4 years of Spanish in high school, but I took 101 because I needed an easy 'A', a class that would allow me "rest" from the crappy abusive GE's that BYU goes to hell and back to make difficult. I remember entering the room, from the back, and seeing a guy with super curly black hair in the back. I sat behind him because I ALWAYS sat in the back of my classes, like, the last row, so I could come late, leave early, sleep, w/o being noticed. He was in the row 2nd to last. His hair bothered me. It was too curly. He turned around to say hi. Definitely wasn't cute. But nice enough.
Maybe because I wasn't attracted to him, maybe that's why we hit it off so easily? I wasn't intimidated by "his hotness" cuz hot guys intimidated me. I'd act too idiotically around them. He was kind of a slacker in class like I was, too. So we'd sit in the back and have easy conversations as sneakily as possible cuz it's not like it was a huge auditorium. I enjoyed him. He was a fun friend. I started looking forward to my M/W Spanish class. We started studying together. He was cool. Confident but didn't care that he was confident. He liked who he was.
About that time I was actually going through a break up with a guy who basically dumped me for my hot and super sexy roommate Cara. She really was a hottie. I couldn't blame him. And he was hot, so I couldn't blame her. One evening I remember Dirk calling to see if I wanted to go to the movies. Sure, why not? My hot sexy boyfriend was going out with my hot sexy roommate anyways. I told Cara that I was going out and she said, "Hey, could Hyrum and I get a ride with you?" "uhhhh, suuuure." I remember the 4 of us going out, Dirk totally knowing who they were, and not believing what was actually happening. I remember him looking at me with the "you really want them to come with us?" look. I was over it. And Dirk really was fun for me.
He was my buddy all year long. We took Spanish 102 together. We played soccer together, tennis a lot. Skipped class ALL the time just to go out to eat. He made me laugh, didn't judge my awkwardness at all, he was calm. When I'd get frustrated about anything, he was always so optimistic, didn't worry. He actually taught me how to drive. His Toyota 4 Runner he lovingly named "Bubba." I learned how to drive in that car with him, feet propped on his dashboard. He taught me how to ski. He didn't snowboard. Skiing was way better anyways, so that's what he taught me. He was a great teacher!
I have to admit, I don't know exactly when I fell in love with that guy, but I did. It happened over time. But because of it, it really made our dating years solid, comfortable. Maybe too comfortable? We were both slackers when it came to things like going to church (why go to church when you could enjoy the awesome weather, go out to eat, and just hang w/o the guilt of skipping class??) I wasn't big into churchy stuff, I made fun of crazy Relief Society presidents, he made fun of his stalwart home teachers. We were a perfect match! :)
And holy cow did we laugh together!
He was a great soccer player. I remember REALLY liking that about him. I am a HUGE sucker for soccer players. And he was a great one. He'd come to my intramural soccer games and totally be confused at why I didn't do certain things. "You totally could have made a goal if you just kicked it and didn't play with it!" Then we'd get together later on and practice whatever it was I screwed up on. Most likely during my Econ 110 class.
I knew we were going to get married. I had prayed about it, felt good about it. It was just going to be a matter of time. His birthday, May 29th, mine, January 29th. So I had already planned that whenever we got married, it'd be the 29th of that month. Couldn't be Feb. of course.
So the floor totally came out from under me when he asked me to marry him. We drove up the canyon, full of snow, I didn't expect anything. We were always doing that. We got out to just look around and he went down on his knee to ask me to marry him. And it was at that very moment that I knew it was wrong. Just KNEW it. And it totally shook me up. It confused me. I pushed the feeling away and accepted the ring happily. I tried to be happy. But I was fighting the realization I just had that he was the wrong guy. How COULD he be the wrong guy? He was my Dirk!!
I fought it for a month or so, but it just got stronger and stronger. And in it's place came an even STRONGER feeling that I was to serve a mission. I was a COMPLETE slacker when it came to church stuff. It was during this time that I started reading the Book of Mormon. Upon realizing the value of this book and that "We have a LIVING PROPHET" (something I hadn't really clued in to my first 20 years of life) I just knew I had to serve a mission. This was actually a very very hard time for me because I even wondered if it was satan tempting me away from the man I was supposed to marry, and tricking me into going on a mission. We're taught that marriage is more important than a mission for all LDS girls, aren't we? (I have more to speak on that, but that's for a later time.)
I was as confused as I'd ever been. I decided I needed to make a decision and see it through. So I decided I really did need to serve a mission and break the engagement off with Dirk. I remember thinking, "He's never gotten mad at me, for sure he'll go berserk, and I definitely don't want a husband to go berserk when things go bad, so when he loses his temper and starts getting all mad at me, that'll be a sign that I made the right decision!" I remember giving him the ring and stepping out of his car. He did nothing but drive away. Later on he called me, wanted to talk. I knew I'd get my "sign" then.
I remember sitting with him outside of my Alta apartment, just Dirk and me. I was almost smirking cuz I knew he'd go off on me, then I'd say, "this is the REAL you and I can't marry that!" cuz I needed confirmation that my decision was right and this would be it.
We sat down and he said, in the most kindest, patient, most sweetest way, "you follow your star. I'll follow mine. If they cross paths in the future, then we'll see if our stars could continue together." He then gave me a CTR ring. And that was that.
I was floored. I was reeling. I was heartbroken, confused, and most of all, I was scared. He was my best friend, and I was letting him go. And basically walking off into very uncertain territory, as it'd been about 3 years of just the 2 of us. And I knew I was letting go of a good thing.
No one else really treated me like he did. I wasn't judged by him, wasn't looked down on by him, wasn't seen as a "project" to fix. He simply treated me kindly. Always patient. Always laughing.
On my mission, towards the end of my mission, I had a dream about him. I dreamt that I saw him holding hands with his wife. Dirk was 6'2", his wife came to his shoulder in my dream. Her hair was straight and hit at her shoulders, sorta curled in a bit when it hit. And they were both very VERY happy. In my dream they were both looking at me with big, happy, content smiles. His mom was with them, too. And I could feel her love for Dirk's wife. And in my dream, I thought, "Heavenly Father, why did You not let me marry him?" After asking this question, I was taken to a door, and it opened up, and it was FILLED with people. It was a gym with a stage, and it had levels. And there were people everywhere. And in my dream I heard the words, "Because of your mission, these people came to know the Gospel." And that's how I FINALLY got my answer. I KNEW I had made the right decision.
After my mission, I actually ran into Dirk. Well, I actually ran AWAY from him. I was at the mall with my friend Samantha and I remember her suddenly turning to me, eyes wide and screamed, "There's DIRK!" I looked up and saw him, holding hands with a lady. Coming towards me. I spun on my heels and RAN. I just didn't know what to do. I couldn't handle doing anything. It was either "fumble or flight" and I flew. I'm hoping and praying that when they saw me, Dirk lied to her and said, "I have no idea who that crazy was!"
That lady came to his shoulder, had straight hair that hit at her shoulders, and they were happily holding hands.
I didn't get married until almost 3 years after my mission. Many times I wondered, even after that dream, if I had made a mistake, letting go of Dirk. Then I met Matt. My knight in shining armor. He was actually wearing purple pants. Color blind. He thought they were navy. Matt has never lost his temper with me, even after almost 15 years, and believe me, I can push buttons! He's so sweet to me, so patient. And we laugh a LOT. And with the ups and downs of marriage and raising a family, I thank God every day for him. Matt was the one Heavenly Father wanted me to marry. Heavenly Father wanted Dirk to marry Megan. It all turned out just fine.
Of course, years later. I get curious. I was on FaceBook the other day, curious to see how my Dirk was doing. Honestly, curious to see how he was looking these days and also hoping and praying that he was happy, that things worked out well for him. I found his best friend, then his Aunt. Then I found a picture of him on his Aunt's FB wall, and next to it, comments like, "He was such a sweet guy" and "I'm sorry for your loss" and "This is heart breaking."
I. Couldn't. Breathe.
In June, just a few months ago, Dirk passed away. A heart attack. Sudden, out of the blue, no warning flags.
I'm still reeling from this. Waves of emotion hit me, out of no where. Heartbreak for him, heartbreak for his wife, his precious kids. Heartbreak for his mom. Imaging what they're going through. He has 3 girls. Girls need their father. A wife needs her husband. A mother needs her son. And guaranteed he was amazing at all 3 roles.
I find it interesting that this happened in June and I'm finding about it just now. The day after Matt joined the group in ID, I find out Dirk passed away. I don't think it's a coincidence. Because I'm suddenly not burdened by a "new job that makes us move across the country." I'm suddenly feeling kinder towards Matt. In the past, I'd get frustrated that this road we took together has been so long. Now I'm reminded how kind Matt is to me and the kids, how hard he works, how sweet he is to me. I'm reminded, as I reflect upon my time with Dirk, that I was kinda mean to him and he was never mean back. And I feel pangs of guilt.
If I died today, Matt would have zero guilt. He's treated me like a cherished queen from day one. If Matt passed today, I'd be riddled with guilt. I think when someone passes, friends and family left behind are left with reminders of that person's strengths, not their weaknesses. And if you treated that person poorly, you're filed with guilt and remorse, maybe because you didn't appreciate that person like you should have? It's been a long hard road with Matt, only because of finances, and I'd let the stress of that turn my heart angry. My heart has suddenly softened. I'm sure moving a family across the country, in the dead of winter, saying good bye to soul mate friends, leaving a comfortable home and town will be stressful. With Dirk's passing, I'm reminded that really, it's not a big deal. What's the bigger deal than the journey is HOW we "journeyed".
I'm reminded that I have a treasure trove of a husband and family. I'm reminded to treat Matt better, to not let the small things bother me. To relax. To enjoy this journey. I feel in my heart of hearts that the dream I had years ago of Dirk and his wife Megan wasn't "fulfilled" when I saw them at the mall that afternoon. I'm confident that Heavenly Father gave me a glimpse of Heaven. I'm confident that after this life, I'll get to see Dirk again. And I'm confident that when I see him, he'll be holding hands with his Megan and they'll both be smiling and happy. And Matt and I will be doing the exact same thing.
Heavenly Father knew what He was doing all along. I didn't need to be confused. I just needed to trust. And enjoy the journey.
The link to learn about him as a dad and husband. He is GREAT! http://www.ncadvertiser.com/34941/dirk-hart-1971-2014-friends-raising-money-for-dads-family/
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of a friend. But I'm glad he was able to give you the gift of perfection when you needed it.
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