Ever since we moved here to ID, I've been struggling more with "churchy" things than anything else. I feel like the basic Gospel of Jesus Christ is pretty simple and liberating even, but then what happens? Well meaning people have to screw it all up. And I find myself struggling huge with it. More than I should.
It's not just Idaho people either. People in my past, family, snippets on FB, etc. So I find myself having quiet conversations with Heavenly Father, basically trying to sort my own spiritual feelings out. And lately, I just haven't felt Heavenly Father close. Like, the heavens are far, cold, quiet and empty.
I've also been really struggling with our financial situation. I was born into poverty and never have I had a SINGLE. DAY. IN. MY. LIFE where money, or rather the lack there of, wasn't a stress. I'm 41 and it continues and frankly, I don't see an end. My dad got his first job my sophomore year in high school. Teachers would send me home with clothes because they felt so bad for me. When I went to college, I worked at the MTC cafeteria ... well, really, what college student has money? My entire 15 years of marriage have been supporting Matt through school, so no income which has resulted in quite the amount of debt. It will take a miracle to get us on our feet financially. I believe in miracles, but just recently it just hit me that most likely, financial burden will be my burden through life.
And I'd find myself having quiet conversations with Heavenly Father, basically trying to sort THOSE feelings out. And lately, I just haven't felt Heavenly Father close. Like, the heavens are far, cold, quiet and empty.
We went to the temple a few weeks ago. That for me was the 1st time in about 2 plus years. I was actually really looking forward to it. I wanted to feel Heavenly Father close. I wanted to feel some relief from my struggles. Hoping to get answers or at the minimum, comfort. And once again, yes, even there in the temple, I felt the heavens far away, cold, quiet, and empty.
I've actually never had an *amazing experience at the temple. I find myself getting more and more frustrated when I hear people tell stories about their experiences at the temple. They all sound the same, and all so foreign to me. Don't get me wrong, I know it's a great place to be, but I wasn't super surprised that I had the experience I had a few weeks ago in the Boise temple.
*I'm not saying I've never gotten answers to my prayers. Yes, I have. So vivid that there is zero doubt in my mind that God hears and answers prayers. All I'm saying is I have never gotten an answer while sitting and pondering and praying in the temple. Not a reason to stop going of course, just saying I go, when I go, because I know it's the right thing to do.
Back to the point of this post. I just found myself getting more and more overwhelmed, frustrated, and yes, even a bit angry.
Last night I told Matt I was going to the room for quiet so I could read the scriptures. I was having a particularly hard day regarding finances and even jokingly said, "I'm going to find out what we need to do to not be poor!" as I walked into the room with the scriptures. I had a quick thought rush through my head, "Let tomorrow take care of itself. Carry not purse or script because I will take care of you. The lilies toil not yet are adorned more beautifully than the temples of Solomon."
I dismissed the thought, telling myself, "Quit trying to be so cheesy positive with those cheesy positive Mormony thoughts!" I hate cheesy crap.
Then I laid on the bed and did my "random opening" of the scriptures and got comfortable. If I fell asleep, more power to me! :)
I opened up to D&C section 84 and started reading. Just cuz that's where I opened to. As I read, I have to admit, I got emotional, my heart started pounding, and my entire being felt a huge amount of gratitude towards Heavenly Father. I couldn't believe it! Read it if you're reading this so you can see what I'm talking about! https://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/84?lang=eng
I have to admit, I did skip to verse 43 cuz I'm adhd.
Not only did I get the answers I was looking for when we went to the temple, I got the comfort I needed and this huge amount of understanding in just a flash of a second. I RE-EXPERIENED Heavenly Father's love for me, was reminded that He is aware of me, and suddenly felt the burden of our insanely pathetic financial situation lifted. I don't have answers to HOW things will financially get better, but I was given a huge reminder to simply TRUST in Heavenly Father.
Regarding my struggles with the Gospel vs people. The section was great! It was all about missionary work and for me, it was as if Heavenly Father were saying to me, "Don't worry about all that. Just be a missionary. And to be a missionary, just be a good you, the best you, be a good friend and example."
I didn't feel like I needed to go on splits with the missionaries. I didn't feel like I needed to start running around bearing my testibalogne to everyone I saw. I just had this happy feeling that all I needed to do was to be a happier, positive and better me. And I really felt like Heavenly Father would take care of things. All things.
He has in the past. And I guess it's safe to say that last night, I was reminded that "His helping me" has not run out. Will not run out.
I really needed that experience last night. He sure is aware of our needs. Really and truly aware.
