Lesson learned (again) on why I should go to church on Sundays. Even though many times church passes in a blur for me, once in a while, I get a little "Heavenly nudge." Last Sunday, one of my most favorite people in the world, Joseph, gave a talk. Joe is one of the youth who I immediately fell in love with. The kid is amazing. He'll go places in life, hands down. Anyways, he gave a talk and quoted from Elder Uchtdorf's talk, "Living the Gospel Joyful." A quote he shared totally grabbed me.
"Heavenly Father is constantly raining blessings upon us. It is our fear, doubt, and sin that, like an umbrella, block these blessing from reaching us."
I think that lately, it has been the huge amounts of fear and doubt that have put me in the state of mind I am in right now.
In my life time, I have had handfuls of experiences that have required absolute BLIND FAITH on my part. These experiences have always been so hard for me, have excluded all traces of LOGIC (which is hard because I'm about 99% logic, 1% emotion) but have been 100% proof of God's hand in my life and His absolute awareness of me.
Breaking off my engagement with Dirk, my college best friend and sweetheart of 3 years, to serve a mission. A TOTAL step into the lonely unknown.
Leaving the security and comfort of VA to move to ID in a 6 week window. I was an emotional wreck and in a spiritual tornado not knowing why we needed to do it or how it was going to happen. So many pieces of our "puzzle" HAD to fall into place for that trip to happen.
And with these and other experiences, I have totally seen the miraculous hand of God. Everything turned out just fine. The other day Colby said, "if we didn't move to ID, I wouldn't have wanted to get my Eagle. My friends here make me plan for my future." This move was so healthy for my kids. I think it was for them and because of them that we were supposed to come here.
There have been more, but for the sake of time, I want to get right at my current situation. Feb. 20th I'm due to have blessing #9. Been pregnant now a total of 12 times, so I know I'm not "immune" to bad things. Baby is breech. Dr wants to try and get him head down next Monday. Worse case scenario is this could turn into an emergency C-section. In close 2nd would be a scheduled C-section. I say close 2nd because I have HAD to have my babies epidural-less because my body reacts violently to the epidural. Having a non-emergency C-section requires this same epidural, only at greater strengths. I know what that's like. It's crap. Needless to say, I'm struggling with a lot of "fear and doubt" right now, even though I've had so many miraculous experiences in the past. It sounds ungrateful and forgetful of me. But it's not. It's my fear and doubt, aka lack of faith.
At the same time this is going on, we will be starting the process again of selling one of our homes in VA. Tenants leave end of Feb and 1st of March we begin the updating with plans to have it listed by the last week of March. We need this house sold ASAP. And our lease here is up in May, so technically we really need our house in VA to sell first part of May. That's such a small window.
Once again, enter in fear and doubt. Coupled with the reminders of God's hand in my life in the past, then the blare of fear and doubt.
And I'm supposed to be faithful mother, teaching my kids to be faithful and trust in Heavenly Father. It's so much easier said than done. And I fall so short. Because in my heart, that's the strongest feeling I have. Fear and doubt looking at the 2 upcoming events.
But I just "muscle through it." I almost FORCE myself to think, "it'll be alright, it'll turn out just fine." Because it HAS in the past. This trust vs faith thing is a real thing, but I HAVE learned that even though I HAVE those feelings, they can't STOP you. So you take a step into the dark. I take the step into the dark. Regarding this pregnancy. I'll do what I need to get this baby head down. Pray, pray, exercise, pray, exercise, pray some more. And go in on Monday KNOWING he'll be head down. We'll move forward with putting our house on the market and KNOWING it'll sell quickly. Even if it means "forcing the knowing". LOL! That sounds so chipper Mormon.
Fear, doubt and sin block blessing that Heavenly Father wants or is even giving me. I believe this. It's a lack of faith. Faith moves mountains. I feel like there are 2 mountains in my life that need to be moved. God wouldn't tell us this if it weren't true, right?
I can appreciate that moving mountains is no easy task. I would be lying if I said, "I've totally got this!" But we are also told that if you have nothing but DESIRE, that the Lord can work miracles with this desire. I have a desire to lose my fear and doubt. At times, that may be all I have.
Stay tuned for updates in the next couple of weeks/months. One day my precious kids will read these entries. They'll know their mom sure has her weaknesses, but I hope that they will also strengthen their testimonies in both the Gospel and also in Heavenly Father and Jesus. I can't imagine going through life not knowing about the Gospel, Heavenly Father and Christ. Not to be cheesy, cuz I hate the cheese, but if I were doing this "alone", holy crap. I'd be so screwed!!
