Gideon's big day

When you've birthed 8 kiddos and have had pretty much the same "experience", you get pretty confident in your abilities and know exactly how your 9th experience will be.

I always go late, never on time.  Epidurals don't work for me (tried it with #1 and 2), I labor FOR-EVER, we're talking average 20 hrs, I need Pitocin when I get to an 8 to get me to a 9, I never get to a 10, but push anyways and the baby is out after about 2 pushes.  As soon as the baby's out I have some totally euphoric experience, cheering to everyone that "I'm SOOO happy!" and pretty much cartwheel out of the bed, going home the next day because nurses get all made at me when they bring me my babies and I fall asleep with them in bed. 

I was a little nervous though with Gideon because I had a doctor and I just prefer midwives.  Not an option for me here however (they only do home births and I'm not about that at all) so whenever I met with my doctor and she'd mention, "You're old ... we can't let you go too long ... you're old ... you're old ... " I got a little apprehensive.  In my opinion, doctors equaled C-section and since C-sections involve epidurals and since epidurals don't work for me, I seriously wondered if I was gonna die this time around.

My last check up with my doctor found me dilated to a "tight 1" (or was she lying?  Was I really more like a 3 and she just wanted to C-section the baby out?) and a scheduled induction date for the next Wednesday.  I about had a heart attack.  I wasn't contracting or even Braxton hicking anymore and if I was going to be induced, I just saw it ending in a total train wreck.

I asked Matt for a blessing Tuesday night.  It was apparent to me that I wasn't going to go into labor on my own and seriously, I started thinking of all the "single friends" I have who could take my place, mothering my kids.  Not even kidding.

The one thing he in the blessing he said that hit me, that I remember and will never forget, was, "The Lord is aware of you.  He will take care of you, not in the way you expect, but He will take care of you."

I was mad.  After the blessing I was like, "What kind of blessing was that?!  I didn't want to hear THAT!  What did you mean by that?!"  Poor Matt was all, "I just say what I feel impressed to say!"  Well then say something good was pretty much my response. 

It was a blessing that did not at all comfort me.

The next day I went to the hospital.  Still only dialated to a 1.  So I said, "sorry guys, please tell my doctor that I won't be induced" and I left the hospital.  Went home and took a brisk 3 mile walk around the arboretum and suffered ZERO Braxton hicks or contractions.  The walk was brisk because I was ABLE to do it.

Thursday around 1AM my water broke.  Just a trickle, but enough to wake me up.  I was glad that I started labor on my own and figured any minute contractions would start and we'd have another awesome "Sadie easy delivery" experience.  I went to bed anticipating the contractions and slept soundly until 6 when the kids had to get up. 

ZERO contractions.

So the plan was, get the kids to school and then I needed to go to the sports store for soccer paraphernalia and then I was going to hit the mall and check out sales at DownEast.  Right before I left the phone rang.  It was Matt.

"I told the doctor (Matt works for a doctor) about you and she strongly suggested that you go ahead and get seen at the hospital."

That rubbed me wrong.  I can listen to a doctor OR I can listen to my body.  And my body was telling me to get as much done before labor actually starts.  Matt repeated what he thought I should do.  I relented, only because it was still before 10 and nothing was opened yet.  I could get the hospital hoop-lah out of the way then get the fun stuff done.

I rushed out the door, just with my purse and promised my crying 2 and 4 year old, "have fun with Grandma, I'll be right back."

Famous last words.

When I got to the hospital and explained things, they said, "lets just see if that was your water that broke."

I knew it was cuz I know my body.

I was right.

But since I wasn't contracting AT ALL I told the nurses, "I need to go though because I'm really not in labor."

"Well honey, your water broke almost 12 hours ago, so you really NEED to be in labor."
"Annnd I'm not, so I'm going to leave."
"Well honey, you really can't.  We need to start you on some Pitocin"
"But I'm only dialated to a 1."
"We know."

I texted Matt crying.   I can't be given Pitocin at a 1.  That needs to happen when I'm at an 8.  It's happened EVERY TIME.  I told him I was upset and he needed to come as soon as he could.  He was at my bedside in the hour.

They started the pit and for about 5 hours we hung out in the hospital room and took some laps around the floor.  This was a complete night mare.  Normally I labor walking around Target and getting lunch with Matt.  After 5 hrs on  pit I had dialated to a 4. 

Defeating.

They upped the pit and yeah, it started getting quite uncomfortable.  But baby wasn't descending.  Sooo, what do you do when you're laboring with Pitocin and it's been 16 hours?  You do lunges and squats and hip swirls.  Yup, that's what the nurses had me doing.  And it was best to do this through the contractions.

11PM.  I was dialated to a 7.  My water had been broken 18 hours and baby's heart wasn't handeling the contractions well.  I was exhausted and frankly, panicking.  C-section seemed to loom in the dark corners of my room like a murderer.  What was wrong with my body?!

Honestly, the pain got so great and I was starting to feel so defeated that when they suggested, for the umpteenth time that I try an epidural, I relented. 

And I totally felt at peace about it.

Long story short, THE EPIDURAL WORKED!  And this was the reason Matt said what he said.  I would get an epidural that "I didn't want" and it would end up working.  I fell back in my bed so happy, so reassured, so relaxed.  I knew I'd be able to snooze and then I'd push and we'd have our baby.

Around 3AM the doctor woke me up, surrounded by 3 nurses.

"Erika, your baby's heart is not dealing well at all with the contractions.  If you're not dialated and can't push RIGHT NOW we have to have a C-section."

I knew I'd be able to push once she checked me.  And it'd be real quick.

"You're still at a 7."

And I totally felt at peace.

I got the "mother of all mother" shots that just went into my epidural and immediately felt "out of it."  I remember being wheeled out in my bed.  I remember we rode in an elevator.  I remember the super bright room.  I remember them putting a little hat thing on my head.  I remember them lifting me off of my bed onto another bed.  I remember them putting some drape thing over my chest.  I remember my doctor asking me, "Erika, can you feel this?"
"No"
"Good"

I closed my eyes.  I knew what was happening.  I braced for the "uncomfortable tugging and pulling".  I felt one tiny tug.  One tiny pull.  And then I heard his cry.

I could hardly turn my head towards Matt but did anyways, asking him if the baby was out.  Matt said yes.  I was so glad.  I was so glad he was out, that he was alive, that things really DID go well.  I couldn't wait to be undrugged so I could hold our caboose. 

I saw right away that he had dark hair.  That meant he'd be Gideon.  I really liked Soren and William as names, but they seemed like "white people names".  I have to admit, I REALLY wanted Soren.  Always have, but he was such a dark baby, it just didn't seem to fit.  He'd be Gideon Cruz.  I saw right away that he had FAT already!  Fat forearms, fat thighs, fat calves, he even had fat on the back of his neck. 
"9 lbs 2 ounces!"  Yup, our fattest baby.
"21 inches!"  And our longest! 

I quickly calculated that it meant that I easily lost 10 lbs.  Maybe even 11 with my placenta.  Priorities.

I noticed his eyes.  Holy cow he pulled from the Filipino side!  I joked to myself that I'd have to reassure Matt that he was indeed HIS baby.  I've done that with several of our kids.

Matt left when they took Gideon and I closed my eyes, so exhausted, drifting in and out of "lucidity."  I remember the elevator ride back.  I remember they brought me back to a new room.  I was so tired.  It was just past 3:30AM.

Around 12 they brought Gideon to me.  I was still "loopy."  He nursed a bit.  My gosh he was fat!  So much goodness to kiss.  He was pretty chill.  I was in love.

I called my sister.
"He's here!  And he's perfect!"
We commented on how lucky I was to have 9 healthy babies.  Though her jaw dropped when she found out I had to have a C-section.  Can't be totally lucky, but lucky enough.

They took Gideon back, I rested.  Around 3 Matt came back with Gideon.  He was holding him, playing with the fat on the back of his neck.  We were chatting, I was still a bit loopy, but we really wanted to bring the kids to the hospital to meet their brother.  Matt wanted to shower before he left.

"Let me hold him while you shower" I said.
Matt started to hand him to me, then he stopped.  And stared.

"What are you doing?"
Silence.
Then I saw why Matt didn't answer.  Gideon was dark grey.  His face was dark grey.

"Take him to the nurses!" I yelled.  Well, not really yelled.  I was suddenly frantic.  I think it was actually more of a whisper.  I didn't have to say anything.  Matt was already leaving.

I don't know how long it was, if it was a short time or a long time, but Matt came back.  No Gideon.  Just Matt and my doctor and I think a nurse or 2.

"We have your baby on oxygen.  We think there are some problems with his heart.  And we drew some blood to run some tests.  We think he may have down syndrome."

Matt was sitting on the bed with me.  I had a wash cloth in my hands because ... well, I don't know why.  I just did.  We looked at each other and I lost it.  It hurt so much to cry but I couldn't stop.  I was digging the wash cloth in my eyes and just balling.  Matt was crying. 

I had never felt so helpless or lost or confused in my life.  Heart problems?  Trisomy 21?  Total fear grabbed my chest.  What if I lose him?  I didn't know how bad his heart was.  I know nothing about hearts period.  Except that they beat.  And if they stop, you die.  Was that my baby?

Down syndrome?  I couldn't believe I was hearing that and it was pertaining to my life.  My baby.  My child.  My Gideon.

I needed to see him.  Desperately.

I was put in a wheel chair and we entered the hallway.  The hallway I had been walking just hours before, for hours.  It looked so foreign to me all of a sudden.  They rolled me next to his little bed and gave him to me.  He was bundled up and Matt held the oxygen tube to his nose.  He looked so peaceful.  So perfect.  I started kissing him.  I couldn't stop.  I couldn't kiss him enough.  He was mine, he was ours.  We'd take him just the way he was, we'd raise him with love, in a loving home, just the way he was.  But please Heavenly Father, don't take him from us.  I couldn't stop crying.

"We need to fly him to Spokane."

Could this day get any worse?

"The doctor wants to monitor you though, so you will need to be here until Monday."

Not gonna happen.

I held Gideon, kissed him, cried on him.  I heard helicopter sounds and asked, "is that for him?"
"Yes."

Make it stop!

"We need to take you back to your room so the flight crew and get him ready.  They will bring him to you before they load him up."

I don't remember anything after that.  Just helplessness.  After what seemed like an eternity they wheeled Gideon in.  He was in the capsule thing.  I couldn't touch him. 

Watching them wheel Gideon out was pretty much more than I could bare.  I really don't remember anything at all after that.  Well, I take that back.  I heard the helicopter leave.  I told them to call me when they got there.  I needed to know they landed safely.

Shortly thereafter they did call.  They were at the Sacred Heart nicu.  Matt was going to drive there immediately.  It was around 5 or 6PM on Friday.  The nurses knew I was going to be leaving the next day.  I told them I didn't care what my doctor said.

A few hours later Matt sent me pics from the nicu in Spokane.  He was holding Gideon.  Gideon was sleeping. 

I look back on that day, almost 4 weeks ago, and I see the blessing Matt gave me.  Only this time, it brings so much comfort.  Because now, I see God's hand.  He took care of things in His way.  I actually believe my doctor saved Gideon's life.  Had he went through the birth canal, his compromised heart may not have made it.  My mom wasn't going to come but one morning, woke up feeling like she needed to be here.  Heavenly Father put people in my life in those first days and weeks who literally carried me.  My sister told me how I won the lottery with a down syndrome baby.  Paula comforted, supported and listened to me.  Missy made me laugh.  Kristine lined up people to make dinners for my family.  Patty brought me toiletries and treats.  And so many people prayed.  So many people prayed for my sweet Gideon.

I think one of the biggest ways God showed His hand was simply via Gideon's name.  It means "great warrior."

I think before he came to this Earth, Gideon was a great warrior.  And I think he's going to continue being a great warrior.  As a matter a fact, I know it.