There are no coincidences

Suffice it to say, Gideon's birth and the weeks that closely followed marked the worst time of my life.  When you truly, and in the deepest and most tender parts of your heart, believe you are going to lose your child, this journey you call life takes one of the most sudden, jolting turns.  For me, it was as if I took a wrong turn and found myself falling off a cliff I had no idea I was even close to.

The first week was spent with Matt and me together, staying at the hospital.  Some Ronald McDonald room about 4 floors up from the nicu.  The following week Matt had to go back to work and I was moved to the Ronald McDonald house, about 2 miles from the hospital.  The first night as I sat in my room alone, after having been with Gideon that day, I let all of my emotions and tears run.  And it was at that moment that I realized something about myself. 

I have absolute faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  I know They both live, that They love me and that They hear and answer prayers.  But that night, while I was pouring my heart out to my Heavenly Father, I realized something.  It was very clear to me that I did not TRUST Heavenly Father or my Savior.  It's so easy to talk about faith and trust when you're on your mission, or when you're teaching Sunday School or when you're teaching missionaries at the MTC.  It's so easy to talk about faith and trust when you're teaching your kids.  It's even easy to HAVE faith and trust when your moving from VA to ID.  Everything changes when the life of your child is in the mix.

My prayers were so full of fear and doubt.  I KNEW Heavenly Father could heal Gideon, but I was afraid to put Gideon in His hands.  Because what if by doing so, He would take him from me?  That was my fear.  I needed the faith necessary to move mountains, but I was too afraid to trust.  What kind of mother was I??

The story of Helaman and his 2 thousand stripling warriors came to mind many times.  Those mothers had the faith and TRUST in the Lord to send their young sons to fight men, well versed in battle.  Had I lived back then, could I have done that?  Or would I be that one mom who would have taken Colby and Dallin and hidden them because I was too afraid?  This story in the Book of Mormon is one of the absolute most powerful stories because as we know, not a single one of those young sons died.  Oh the power of faith!  And you KNOW that as they fought, angels were fighting next to them.  And that's what Gideon needed!

I felt so conflicted, so my prayers, every night at the Ronald McDonald house, were, "please help me to trust You."  I had a desire to trust, to be totally faithful, because Gideon needed the power that comes with faith.  I simply needed to let go of my fear.

Heavenly Father has been so loving, patient and kind to me.  He has sent more tender mercies to me in these past 6 plus weeks that I have had my entire life.  He's trying to help me strengthen my faith in Him.

The other day I wondered if Gideon would be able to play sports.  His heart just has so much going on,  I wondered if he'd even be able to play like his older siblings.  It was just a thought.  The NEXT MORNING I get an email from my sweet Ashley, telling me about her experience working as a swim instructor for downs teens and adults.  She said, "get so excited about the world of sports for kids with down syndrome! I don't know why exactly, but I knew I needed to stay up tonight and write this to you."  Tears filled my eyes as I read her email.

Paula sends me a letter with a scripture reference, 2Nephi, 22:2.  It was as if the Lord was literally comforting me through her.  I felt like it was OK to fear and even more OK to let go of that fear and to trust.  The Lord validated my feelings via that scripture and basically let me know it really was OK to trust Him.

I'll randomly think of who Gideon was before he came to Earth and just like that I'll get a text from my sister Heather or Missy or Laura and they'll say something about the strong and valiant person Gideon was before he came to me.

Mildred told me, "You kept feeling like you weren't done until Gideon was born. You were waiting for him.  Good for you."

I meet Patty on FB, move to ID where she lives, we recognize each other as bosom buddies, and low and behold, her sister has a son who has gone through what Gideon is going through.

Last Sunday, during Elder Holland's talk, the Lord spoke directly to me when Elder Holland said to not be discouraged if you fail or are not strong enough.  Simply having a DESIRE is all you need.  That talk was for me.

And then today, like the icing on the cake, our stake president introduces his talk as, "There are no coincidences.  The Author just chooses to remain anonymous."  He spoke of how the Lord intervenes in our lives.  He softens hearts, strengthens us, and sends help.

The Lord sent help to me.  Has been sending help.  He knows me.  He knows my struggles, my fears, and my desires.  And He's not mad at me for not trusting Him.  Instead, He's helping me to learn to trust Him.

Honestly, it's still a work in progress.  Gideon is home.  He's growing.  He's gaining weight.  All of his doctors are happy with his progress.  My trust is growing.  His surgery is in June/July.  I can't even describe the feelings of excitement and fear that flow side by side in my heart.  I'm trying to chip away at my fear and build my trust.  I pray that He'll continue to lift me.  That He'll continue sending me His tender mercies.  I feel that He will.  I trust that He will.