Gideon will be 3 months old in just under 6 hours. I hope I can release my mind, thoughts and feelings sufficiently to make sense of this post tonight.
It still blows me away that I have a son who has down syndrome.
And it's not in a bad way. I'm excited to have him. I told my sister the other day that if I were told, "you can fix everything and anything about your Gideon" I would say, "just fix his heart and his lungs. But I want everything else to stay the same."
I'm not saying that because I'm in denial about what having a child with ds means. I'm not saying that to be "noble." I'm not saying it out of perpetual naivety. I'm not saying it because it's the politically correct (have I ever mentioned how much I HATE pc??) parental attitude.
I'm saying that because when I hold Gideon, and I hold him a LOT, it's honestly a euphoric experience. Holding him, even though I don't get to nurse him like the others, I feel the absolute strongest bond with him. It's as if my spirit self is reaching through my chest and embracing him. It's as if we have been reunited after 42 years of separation. I love all my children fiercely, I have a strong bond with all of my kids. I have a close relations with them today. Gideon is different. We have something very different. He was born, protected from temptation. His mission is different than mine. My purpose here on Earth is to prove myself, to be obedient to the Lord's commandments if I want to live with Heavenly Father again. Gideon did something, did many somethings, before he was born, to earn him the privilege of the Lord's protection.
So of course I wouldn't want to "fix" his downs. He's by far the easiest baby I've had! He stares at me so fixedly. When he smiles, I seriously get butterflies in my stomach. When he coos, he has me feeling almost desperate to exchange "coo" conversation. He loves it when I sing. I could kill a bird with my voice, but I sing anyways because it seems to engage him the best. I love how he holds my finger, and his siblings' fingers, with such strength. He holds on so tightly his fingertips get white. And he doesn't let go!
I texted my "other half" Missy today, telling her about my feelings regarding Gideon and his upcoming heart stuff. I have literally lost my appetite because of his heart. I hate seeing his cardiologist, mainly because they refer to Gideon as "critical heart failure" and have said on countless occasions, "He has complex issues" or "there's a lot going on in that heart." In the darkest corners of my mind, I think, "what if they can't fix him?" Tears are welling up even as I write this. The doctors are a bit on edge regarding what course of action to take, so they watch him. The want to see how his heart grows. I agree with how they're going about it because I recognize that it's up to his heart and right now, out of their hands. And I feel so incredibly helpless. I walk around at the very least subconsciously terrified about his heart surgery. I told Missy that it feels like I have a cactus wrapped around my stomach.
She wrote back, comforting me so much. The words she shared made me think, "no wonder we had to move to VA. I was supposed to meet her and other close friends out there to help get me through this time." I was reminded, while I read her text, that we really were friends in the pre-existence. I was reminded that we really did live and create friendships and bonds with others and that we really did pick up where we left off when we reunited here on Earth.
And this assured me that my feelings regarding Gideon and OUR bond are REAL and that we really did have a special relationship before this Earth life. And that Gideon really WAS such a valiant, strong warrior before his Earth life that he was blessed with ds as a promise from our Heavenly Father that he would be protected while on this Earth.
And even though I feel and know all of this, I still fear. Oh how I want this boy so badly here on Earth. I want to walk hand in hand with him, like I know we did in the pre Earth life, helping others see how wonderful and special children who have downs are. I want to hope that one of his purposes here on Earth is to let others see that unborn babies with trisomy 21 shouldn't be aborted but rather their births anticipated with such excitement and awe. I want him to bless our family in the ways that only he can bless us. The hope and excitement I have for Gideon coupled with the overwhelming fear and helplessness regarding his heart just about tear me apart. So I find that I have to keep BOTH of those feelings at bay. Both.
My sister said it best. "It's like you're holding your breath until his surgery." She's right. And when you're holding your breath, nothing else matters to you but being able to breath again.
Finding a rental to fit our family.
Selling our house in VA.
What people think of me.
Anger.
Pride.
The list can go on, but what I'm trying to say is these past 3 months with Gideon, I have changed. I'm so lucky to have him. My family is so lucky to have him. And I want the world to know him. Because he's just so great!
P.S. We actually DID find a home to rent!!!! Facebook has it's perks! I had posted that we really needed to find something and about 5 mins later I got a private message from a friend of mine who's daughter plays soccer with my daughter and viola! She's moving into a new place and we're renting her place!!
