We got up around 5AM to get him to the hospital. That was about 1% exciting and 99% horrifying for me. I'm so uber practical. I knew how big of a surgery he was going to get and the practical side of me just trumped the faithful side of me.
I had an interesting experience when his surgeon walked in. He came in just to say hi. He walked over to Gideon and patted Gideon's back and listened to his chest (every single time anyone with a white coat came in, they did that. Listened to his chest.) When he first patted Gideon's heart, I had the strongest feeling of a literal hand over my head, turning my eyes to stare at the surgeon's hands and then the softest yet firmest voice in my mind saying, "Pray for THOSE hands." So I did just that. I stared at his hands and said the most desperate silent prayer, "Heavenly Father, the hands that I'm staring at right now, please guide them through Gideon's surgery. Put Thy hands over those hands and guide them."
Then Dr Warrel left and then his anesthesiologist came with Molly, the nurse who would be with Gideon through the surgery. And they took him.
Matt took this picture. I had started crying already. Gideon was sleeping.
The surgery would be 6 hours. Matt and I sat in the waiting room for a lot of it. I wasn't hungry. We played some card games that a friend gave us and I started knitting. I thought, "I'll knit washcloths while we're at the hospital. See how many I end up with."
While in the waiting room I met a lady who married the kid brother of a guy that my TX friends all had crushes on (well, most of them anyways) back when I was around 14. Small world.
Then God sent me a tender mercy by sending in a mom with her 12 year old son who had down syndrome. He reminded me of what Gideon might be like when he's 12. He had brown hair, Gideon's ears, and a basketball player on his t-shirt. He was on a little lap top. He started giggling and hid his face behind the laptop, whispering stuff to his mom. She looked up and told me, "he thinks you're pretty." Then about 15 seconds later, he whispered something again, giggling. She then said, "now he wants to marry you. He's very fast with the ladies." He started giggling yet again, motioning for his mom to lean in for another set of instructions but this time she said, "you tell her yourself! I aint your wing man!"
Of course it was hilarious, but of course it got me all emotional because I wanted that so badly to be Gideon and me. Gideon a ball player and me telling him I aint his wing man!
15 minutes post the 6 hour mark I started to panic. Yup, I did. Especially when the nurse came in and simply said, "things are great! Still working on him though." WHAT? This was when she was supposed to say they're closing him up.
It would be TWO HOURS later that we'd get that update. Gideon was on the bypass machine for a total of 8 hours when all was said and done. His nurse Ami later told me that when she was told she was getting a baby who was on bypass for 8 hours, she said "I was apprehensive." I found out later on that sometimes babies don't survive the surgery Gideon had. To be grateful actually that he had downs. The saying goes, "you can't kept a downs baby down" in the PICU.
Seeing Gideon for the first time was hard. They had to paralyze him and he had so many tubes coming out of him and wires going into him. But to be honest, as hard as it was, I wasn't emotional. I was relieved.
The next 2 days he was passing with flying colors. I wondered if we'd be out in 5 days, but I had a sense, a feeling, that I needed to just sit back and buckle up.
Long story short, Gideon started going down hill after the 3 days. We ended up at the hospital for a total of 24 days. And in those 24 days, I have to say, I had never before seen God's hand so clearly in my life.
When I was pregnant with Gideon, the adversary worked so hard on me. Harder than I had ever EVER experienced in my entire life. I had the craziest thoughts going through my head, the darkest feelings, the most desperate of days. And then Gideon was born. A spirit so elite in the pre-life that he didn't need to be tested like most of us do here on Earth. And my 24 days in the hospital were filled with so many tender mercies and experiences testifying to me that God exists and loves me, so many "coincidences" that were so incredibly coincidental that you had to believe "there are no such things as coincidences, the Author just chooses to remain anonymous."
A lady from my new ward called me. We had never met but she called because she knew what we were going through and sympathized. "I had a baby who needed heart surgery, we lived here but I had to stay up in Spokane with 3 kids at home. I know exactly what you're going through and my heart just breaks for you." Then she shared with me how, during a certain experience, she was reminded by an impression in her mind, "I have carried you through this."
That struck me so hard.
Because I am sincerely so weak. My trust in Heavenly Father and my faith are so weak. But the Lord doesn't fault me for it. Rather, He has so lovingly placed people in my life these past 6 months who have been His angels. His angels to carry me, to hold my head up, to help me put one foot in front of the other. He'll lead me to people who will say things that I need to hear, He'll give me experiences that prove, with out doubt, that He's aware of Gideon and my feelings.
Heavenly Father is so patiently strengthening me through Gideon. He has put women in my life who have passed through similar and even tougher trials than this one. The strength that I see in these women. In my eyes they stand shoulder to shoulder with those mothers in the Book of Mormon who taught their sons to have faith. These mothers sent their sons into battle. None were lost. The faith and power of these mothers brought about the miracle of "moving mountains." It's a blessing and a privilege to know modern day "mothers of stripling warriors."
I feel so loved by Heavenly Father. I know He's real. I know He answers prayers. I'm a standing witness, proof, that I don't have to have perfect faith in Him or perfect trust for Him to love me. I just need to work at it. I just need to have a desire. He's taken that desire of mine and worked mighty miracles in my life. And as time goes by, I know my faith and trust in Him can grow and grow and strengthen and strengthen.
And I feel so strongly that Gideon will be a big part of that growth and strengthening. I think that's a huge aspect of our eternal relationship. I think Gideon strengthened me in the pre existence. I think he held my hand and led me to greater things than what I could have done on my own. I sense his strength as I hold him. I sense that he's an "older spirit" than me. It's just my privilege that I get to be his earthly mom.
Gideon came home on August 29th. Healthy and well. The doctors are happy with how his heart looks. We're not out of the woods yet, we still have the possibility of another surgery down the road. In the mean time, I know I'll continue to strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father and those angels He's put in my path. And in the mean time, we'll enjoy Gideon. He is an elite spirit and an extremely loved baby.
P.S. I ended up making 12 washcloths
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