I loved the name Soren the first time I heard it. It was an Elder I taught at the MTC. I wanted that name for one of my boys so badly! I loved the name William because, well, all cute boys are named William and it's a family name on both my side and Matt's. And Gideon was in the mix because of the Gideon in the Book of Mormon. I mean, I absolutely love Captain Moroni. I plan to search him out first thing when I pass over to the next life. It'll be a long line though for him. Lots of people love him. But I also love Gideon, just as much. He was more of the "silent" hero in my opinion and I LOVE the silent heroes. Gideon was so full of wisdom and insight and so fiercely loyal and brave. I can't wait to meet him.
We knew we'd know which one we'd give to our baby once we met him. As soon as he was out, Matt knew and I agreed about 10 minutes later.
When we found out about all of his stuff, we realized we had named him perfectly. And when I studied up on the Gideon of the Old Testament, I got goose bumps as I realized, he was named way too perfectly.
Which brings me to the purpose of this post. When it rains, it pours. Gideon was born end of Feb and we spent a month in the nicu. We brought him home March 24th. We're currently living in very small quarters. We want so badly to find a house that better fits our family. Not looking for any mansions, just something ... not so tiny. Our lease here ends in May. And we listed our house in VA last week with the hopes that if we sell it, we can buy a home here. Yes, buy. People don't believe in renting to a family with 9 kids. And the kids are getting quite cranky.
So basically, looking for a miracle. Can we sell our VA home in time to buy a house that we can move in to by the end of May? And in the meantime, can I keep it together mentally and emotionally as I watch Gideon deal with his heart condition?
Then I'm reminded of the story of Gideon in the Old Testament. Israel was in bondage to the Midianites and the Lord tells Gideon that through him, He would free Israel. Gideon gathers some 32,000 men to fight the Midianites and the Lord tells him, "too many. Let the chicken ones go home" (more or less, in my own words). He was then left with 10,000. Still too many. So the Lord has Gideon take them to the river and according to the style of drinking from the river, sends all but 300 home.
300.
300 to fight the Midianites. Not to just fight, but to free Israel from.
In my opinion, an impossible situation.
But we learn that the reason is so the Israelites could see and gain or strengthen their testimonies in the power of the Lord's hand. He wanted the army small so He could make miracles happen.
Sometimes I feel like the Lord does this on individual levels. He has us "reduced to 300" so He can make miracles happen. That's the only answer I can come up with. I have found myself in the most impossible of situations so many times where truly, only by the hand of God could I get out and as I look back on my situations and reflect on them ... it's really the "Footprints in the Sand" type stuff.
I was reduced to "300" that month in the nicu and I tell you, the Lord showed His hand so many times. I'm reduced right now to "300" as I feel completely backed into a housing corner. I'm reduced to "300" with my new role as a mother to a baby with heart and lung issues that scare me to death.
I can only imagine how Gideon must have felt with his 300. I can only imagine how those soldiers must have felt. I'm sure there was some fear, some uncertainty, but even so, they moved forward. It's all I can do right now. I have no idea what's going to happen with our housing situation. I have no idea how Gideon will do over the next few weeks and into his surgery.
I do know how the story in Judges ends. It's miraculous, it's genius, it's even sorta comical (I think anyways.) It's proof that the Lord really is in the details of our lives. And I can trust Him.
Friday, April 22, 2016
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Gideon these past few weeks
Most of my posts recently have all been "Gideon-charged." And sorta "heavy" if that makes sense. I don't want that to be the norm though of my writing here. I do want to write a little bit of the family and our goings on and such. With Gids in the mix, however, our goings on have been ... different.
Kids are doing great with practically everything. They've all settled in with him, all very concerned about him. Tonight Colby asked me, "when he has his heart surgery, will he get 100% oxygen like normal?" The kids ask off and on, "will he be high functioning or not?" There's an unspoken competition to see who Gids smiles at first. He hasn't smiled yet. Well, not on purpose anyways. Everyone tries to get him to smile at them so they can be "the winner." I'm sorta in the competition too. He better smile at me first! After everything I went through to get him here!?! LOL!
Soccer has started up. The 4 older ones are on travel teams and the little ones are still in rec. I almost didn't sign the younger ones up. Too much going on. But they were begging and of course I broke. Good thing I love soccer. If this was for theatre or something of the sort, ugh, that'd be so hard! What makes it all difficult for me is, I have to depend 100% on others to get my kids to and from practices and most games. G-man can't leave the house and I won't leave him with my inlaws, so I have to rely on others to cart my kids around. Talk about walk of shame! I was told that Filipinos are a pride-pull fee-full! It might be true. I've got some weird pride in my blood, and having to get help from others really takes it out of me. But I have no choice. And so I just walk around feeling super grateful, super indebt, and super remembering how this is and how I will carpool anyone who needs it in the future.
Gideon's doing great. He's very dependent on his oxygen, feeding tube and meds, but he's thriving. He's gaining weight and is actually a really good sleeper (thanks to the cardiac stuff I've learned.) He LOVES making and keeping eye contact with people who are engaging him. He's so inquisitive. I forget so many times that he's only 6 weeks old. He's starting to hold his head up when I lay him on my chest. It's so cute. He'll be on my chest then bring his head up and that canula is up on his forhead. He's so precious.
Today Angela said, "he doesn't even look like he has down syndrome." Honestly, I wasn't sure how to take that. He has moments when he really doesn't look downs at all, but then moments when he looks super downs. And it's those moments that I just LOVE! I love that I get to be the mom of a baby with ds. He's such a special, strong, valiant, precious guy and I kinda want the world to see how great my kid is even with the ds. I don't want people to see ds as a "negative" thing but rather a GREAT and noble thing. I don't know if this makes any sense.
While in the hospital I was reading this book filled with stories of families learning that their baby has trisomy 21 and although every story was heartwarming and motivating, I noticed that every single time they were told their baby had trisomy 21, either pre or post delivery, the news was always given in an apologetic way, sometimes even followed with "you can terminate this pregnancy..." I think this needs to stop. I think caregivers need to give this news in just the same excited way as they give the "you're having twins!" news or what not.
Gideon acts just like all my babies have acted. His arms and legs kick and swim, when he's mad those arms do that cute "chorister type" wave. When he looks around the room, you can just see him taking it all in. He loves his binkies. He hates his diaper dirty. He loves so much to be held. You hold him and he'll fall right asleep. When I put him up to my chest, he just curls right in. He's just like all my other babies. Except that dang heart of his. Ughhh, drives me crazy!
Anyways, we're doing pretty well. When it rains, it pours though. Our lease is up end of May and we can't sign on for another year. We just can't. House is just too small. But no one wants to rent to a family with 9 kids. Believe me, we're trying. We're being forced almost to have to buy a house. But to buy, we need to sell our VA house which we just put on the market 2 days ago. So it's like we're being forced into a corner and there's no way out. We told the kids last night that we utterly need a miracle. Of course right after that they start fighting over who's wearing who's shoes and "she's wearing my shirt and didn't even ask!" I was like, "guys, we need a miracle. Acting like this is gonna get us a curse!" My kids might make all As and Bs in school, but I don't think there are many lights on in the common sense department.
OK, it's late. I need to give my baby his heart medicine. Crazy. I have a child who needs heart meds. Blows my mind.
Kids are doing great with practically everything. They've all settled in with him, all very concerned about him. Tonight Colby asked me, "when he has his heart surgery, will he get 100% oxygen like normal?" The kids ask off and on, "will he be high functioning or not?" There's an unspoken competition to see who Gids smiles at first. He hasn't smiled yet. Well, not on purpose anyways. Everyone tries to get him to smile at them so they can be "the winner." I'm sorta in the competition too. He better smile at me first! After everything I went through to get him here!?! LOL!
Soccer has started up. The 4 older ones are on travel teams and the little ones are still in rec. I almost didn't sign the younger ones up. Too much going on. But they were begging and of course I broke. Good thing I love soccer. If this was for theatre or something of the sort, ugh, that'd be so hard! What makes it all difficult for me is, I have to depend 100% on others to get my kids to and from practices and most games. G-man can't leave the house and I won't leave him with my inlaws, so I have to rely on others to cart my kids around. Talk about walk of shame! I was told that Filipinos are a pride-pull fee-full! It might be true. I've got some weird pride in my blood, and having to get help from others really takes it out of me. But I have no choice. And so I just walk around feeling super grateful, super indebt, and super remembering how this is and how I will carpool anyone who needs it in the future.
Gideon's doing great. He's very dependent on his oxygen, feeding tube and meds, but he's thriving. He's gaining weight and is actually a really good sleeper (thanks to the cardiac stuff I've learned.) He LOVES making and keeping eye contact with people who are engaging him. He's so inquisitive. I forget so many times that he's only 6 weeks old. He's starting to hold his head up when I lay him on my chest. It's so cute. He'll be on my chest then bring his head up and that canula is up on his forhead. He's so precious.
Today Angela said, "he doesn't even look like he has down syndrome." Honestly, I wasn't sure how to take that. He has moments when he really doesn't look downs at all, but then moments when he looks super downs. And it's those moments that I just LOVE! I love that I get to be the mom of a baby with ds. He's such a special, strong, valiant, precious guy and I kinda want the world to see how great my kid is even with the ds. I don't want people to see ds as a "negative" thing but rather a GREAT and noble thing. I don't know if this makes any sense.
While in the hospital I was reading this book filled with stories of families learning that their baby has trisomy 21 and although every story was heartwarming and motivating, I noticed that every single time they were told their baby had trisomy 21, either pre or post delivery, the news was always given in an apologetic way, sometimes even followed with "you can terminate this pregnancy..." I think this needs to stop. I think caregivers need to give this news in just the same excited way as they give the "you're having twins!" news or what not.
Gideon acts just like all my babies have acted. His arms and legs kick and swim, when he's mad those arms do that cute "chorister type" wave. When he looks around the room, you can just see him taking it all in. He loves his binkies. He hates his diaper dirty. He loves so much to be held. You hold him and he'll fall right asleep. When I put him up to my chest, he just curls right in. He's just like all my other babies. Except that dang heart of his. Ughhh, drives me crazy!
Anyways, we're doing pretty well. When it rains, it pours though. Our lease is up end of May and we can't sign on for another year. We just can't. House is just too small. But no one wants to rent to a family with 9 kids. Believe me, we're trying. We're being forced almost to have to buy a house. But to buy, we need to sell our VA house which we just put on the market 2 days ago. So it's like we're being forced into a corner and there's no way out. We told the kids last night that we utterly need a miracle. Of course right after that they start fighting over who's wearing who's shoes and "she's wearing my shirt and didn't even ask!" I was like, "guys, we need a miracle. Acting like this is gonna get us a curse!" My kids might make all As and Bs in school, but I don't think there are many lights on in the common sense department.
OK, it's late. I need to give my baby his heart medicine. Crazy. I have a child who needs heart meds. Blows my mind.
Sunday, April 10, 2016
There are no coincidences
Suffice it to say, Gideon's birth and the weeks that closely followed marked the worst time of my life. When you truly, and in the deepest and most tender parts of your heart, believe you are going to lose your child, this journey you call life takes one of the most sudden, jolting turns. For me, it was as if I took a wrong turn and found myself falling off a cliff I had no idea I was even close to.
The first week was spent with Matt and me together, staying at the hospital. Some Ronald McDonald room about 4 floors up from the nicu. The following week Matt had to go back to work and I was moved to the Ronald McDonald house, about 2 miles from the hospital. The first night as I sat in my room alone, after having been with Gideon that day, I let all of my emotions and tears run. And it was at that moment that I realized something about myself.
I have absolute faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I know They both live, that They love me and that They hear and answer prayers. But that night, while I was pouring my heart out to my Heavenly Father, I realized something. It was very clear to me that I did not TRUST Heavenly Father or my Savior. It's so easy to talk about faith and trust when you're on your mission, or when you're teaching Sunday School or when you're teaching missionaries at the MTC. It's so easy to talk about faith and trust when you're teaching your kids. It's even easy to HAVE faith and trust when your moving from VA to ID. Everything changes when the life of your child is in the mix.
My prayers were so full of fear and doubt. I KNEW Heavenly Father could heal Gideon, but I was afraid to put Gideon in His hands. Because what if by doing so, He would take him from me? That was my fear. I needed the faith necessary to move mountains, but I was too afraid to trust. What kind of mother was I??
The story of Helaman and his 2 thousand stripling warriors came to mind many times. Those mothers had the faith and TRUST in the Lord to send their young sons to fight men, well versed in battle. Had I lived back then, could I have done that? Or would I be that one mom who would have taken Colby and Dallin and hidden them because I was too afraid? This story in the Book of Mormon is one of the absolute most powerful stories because as we know, not a single one of those young sons died. Oh the power of faith! And you KNOW that as they fought, angels were fighting next to them. And that's what Gideon needed!
I felt so conflicted, so my prayers, every night at the Ronald McDonald house, were, "please help me to trust You." I had a desire to trust, to be totally faithful, because Gideon needed the power that comes with faith. I simply needed to let go of my fear.
Heavenly Father has been so loving, patient and kind to me. He has sent more tender mercies to me in these past 6 plus weeks that I have had my entire life. He's trying to help me strengthen my faith in Him.
The other day I wondered if Gideon would be able to play sports. His heart just has so much going on, I wondered if he'd even be able to play like his older siblings. It was just a thought. The NEXT MORNING I get an email from my sweet Ashley, telling me about her experience working as a swim instructor for downs teens and adults. She said, "get so excited about the world of sports for kids with down syndrome! I don't know why exactly, but I knew I needed to stay up tonight and write this to you." Tears filled my eyes as I read her email.
Paula sends me a letter with a scripture reference, 2Nephi, 22:2. It was as if the Lord was literally comforting me through her. I felt like it was OK to fear and even more OK to let go of that fear and to trust. The Lord validated my feelings via that scripture and basically let me know it really was OK to trust Him.
I'll randomly think of who Gideon was before he came to Earth and just like that I'll get a text from my sister Heather or Missy or Laura and they'll say something about the strong and valiant person Gideon was before he came to me.
Mildred told me, "You kept feeling like you weren't done until Gideon was born. You were waiting for him. Good for you."
I meet Patty on FB, move to ID where she lives, we recognize each other as bosom buddies, and low and behold, her sister has a son who has gone through what Gideon is going through.
Last Sunday, during Elder Holland's talk, the Lord spoke directly to me when Elder Holland said to not be discouraged if you fail or are not strong enough. Simply having a DESIRE is all you need. That talk was for me.
And then today, like the icing on the cake, our stake president introduces his talk as, "There are no coincidences. The Author just chooses to remain anonymous." He spoke of how the Lord intervenes in our lives. He softens hearts, strengthens us, and sends help.
The Lord sent help to me. Has been sending help. He knows me. He knows my struggles, my fears, and my desires. And He's not mad at me for not trusting Him. Instead, He's helping me to learn to trust Him.
Honestly, it's still a work in progress. Gideon is home. He's growing. He's gaining weight. All of his doctors are happy with his progress. My trust is growing. His surgery is in June/July. I can't even describe the feelings of excitement and fear that flow side by side in my heart. I'm trying to chip away at my fear and build my trust. I pray that He'll continue to lift me. That He'll continue sending me His tender mercies. I feel that He will. I trust that He will.
The first week was spent with Matt and me together, staying at the hospital. Some Ronald McDonald room about 4 floors up from the nicu. The following week Matt had to go back to work and I was moved to the Ronald McDonald house, about 2 miles from the hospital. The first night as I sat in my room alone, after having been with Gideon that day, I let all of my emotions and tears run. And it was at that moment that I realized something about myself.
I have absolute faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I know They both live, that They love me and that They hear and answer prayers. But that night, while I was pouring my heart out to my Heavenly Father, I realized something. It was very clear to me that I did not TRUST Heavenly Father or my Savior. It's so easy to talk about faith and trust when you're on your mission, or when you're teaching Sunday School or when you're teaching missionaries at the MTC. It's so easy to talk about faith and trust when you're teaching your kids. It's even easy to HAVE faith and trust when your moving from VA to ID. Everything changes when the life of your child is in the mix.
My prayers were so full of fear and doubt. I KNEW Heavenly Father could heal Gideon, but I was afraid to put Gideon in His hands. Because what if by doing so, He would take him from me? That was my fear. I needed the faith necessary to move mountains, but I was too afraid to trust. What kind of mother was I??
The story of Helaman and his 2 thousand stripling warriors came to mind many times. Those mothers had the faith and TRUST in the Lord to send their young sons to fight men, well versed in battle. Had I lived back then, could I have done that? Or would I be that one mom who would have taken Colby and Dallin and hidden them because I was too afraid? This story in the Book of Mormon is one of the absolute most powerful stories because as we know, not a single one of those young sons died. Oh the power of faith! And you KNOW that as they fought, angels were fighting next to them. And that's what Gideon needed!
I felt so conflicted, so my prayers, every night at the Ronald McDonald house, were, "please help me to trust You." I had a desire to trust, to be totally faithful, because Gideon needed the power that comes with faith. I simply needed to let go of my fear.
Heavenly Father has been so loving, patient and kind to me. He has sent more tender mercies to me in these past 6 plus weeks that I have had my entire life. He's trying to help me strengthen my faith in Him.
The other day I wondered if Gideon would be able to play sports. His heart just has so much going on, I wondered if he'd even be able to play like his older siblings. It was just a thought. The NEXT MORNING I get an email from my sweet Ashley, telling me about her experience working as a swim instructor for downs teens and adults. She said, "get so excited about the world of sports for kids with down syndrome! I don't know why exactly, but I knew I needed to stay up tonight and write this to you." Tears filled my eyes as I read her email.
Paula sends me a letter with a scripture reference, 2Nephi, 22:2. It was as if the Lord was literally comforting me through her. I felt like it was OK to fear and even more OK to let go of that fear and to trust. The Lord validated my feelings via that scripture and basically let me know it really was OK to trust Him.
I'll randomly think of who Gideon was before he came to Earth and just like that I'll get a text from my sister Heather or Missy or Laura and they'll say something about the strong and valiant person Gideon was before he came to me.
Mildred told me, "You kept feeling like you weren't done until Gideon was born. You were waiting for him. Good for you."
I meet Patty on FB, move to ID where she lives, we recognize each other as bosom buddies, and low and behold, her sister has a son who has gone through what Gideon is going through.
Last Sunday, during Elder Holland's talk, the Lord spoke directly to me when Elder Holland said to not be discouraged if you fail or are not strong enough. Simply having a DESIRE is all you need. That talk was for me.
And then today, like the icing on the cake, our stake president introduces his talk as, "There are no coincidences. The Author just chooses to remain anonymous." He spoke of how the Lord intervenes in our lives. He softens hearts, strengthens us, and sends help.
The Lord sent help to me. Has been sending help. He knows me. He knows my struggles, my fears, and my desires. And He's not mad at me for not trusting Him. Instead, He's helping me to learn to trust Him.
Honestly, it's still a work in progress. Gideon is home. He's growing. He's gaining weight. All of his doctors are happy with his progress. My trust is growing. His surgery is in June/July. I can't even describe the feelings of excitement and fear that flow side by side in my heart. I'm trying to chip away at my fear and build my trust. I pray that He'll continue to lift me. That He'll continue sending me His tender mercies. I feel that He will. I trust that He will.
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