The strength that comes with Gideon

On August 4th we left our kids with my parents and took Gideon to Sacred Heart to get his pre-op testing done in preparation for his big horking open heart surgery on the 5th.  They told us to plan for 5-10 days.  I planned for 2 weeks.  The day went smoothly.  The hospital had some deal with the Madison Inn where we only had to pay $10 to stay in a pretty nice hotel that was just next door to the hospital.  I basically took in every minute I had with Gideon.  This is a picture I took of Gideon in the hotel that evening with a special shirt a friend of mine made for him sitting in front of an extremely special quilt.

 

 After all his testing and blood drawing (miracle #1 for the day, his blood draw was a 1st time success!) we went back to the hotel.  We crossed paths with an older couple who saw Gideon's O2 and feeding bag and asked, "Heart surgery?"  Come to find out, their kid had surgery when he was a baby.  He was now in his 30s.  I sorta felt like that was Heavenly Father just giving me a little "things will be OK pat on the head" type thing.

We got up around 5AM to get him to the hospital.  That was about 1% exciting and 99% horrifying for me.  I'm so uber practical.  I knew how big of a surgery he was going to get and the practical side of me just trumped the faithful side of me. 

I had an interesting experience when his surgeon walked in.  He came in just to say hi.  He walked over to Gideon and patted Gideon's back and listened to his chest (every single time anyone with a white coat came in, they did that.  Listened to his chest.)  When he first patted Gideon's heart, I had the strongest feeling of a literal hand over my head, turning my eyes to stare at the surgeon's hands and then the softest yet firmest voice in my mind saying, "Pray for THOSE hands."  So I did just that.  I stared at his hands and said the most desperate silent prayer, "Heavenly Father, the hands that I'm staring at right now, please guide them through Gideon's surgery.  Put Thy hands over those hands and guide them."

Then Dr Warrel left and then his anesthesiologist came with Molly, the nurse who would be with Gideon through the surgery.  And they took him. 

Matt took this picture.  I had started crying already.  Gideon was sleeping.

The surgery would be 6 hours.  Matt and I sat in the waiting room for a lot of it.  I wasn't hungry.  We played some card games that a friend gave us and I started knitting.  I thought, "I'll knit washcloths while we're at the hospital.  See how many I end up with."

While in the waiting room I met a lady who married the kid brother of a guy that my TX friends all had crushes on (well, most of them anyways) back when I was around 14.  Small world.

Then God sent me a tender mercy by sending in a mom with her 12 year old son who had down syndrome.  He reminded me of what Gideon might be like when he's 12.  He had brown hair, Gideon's ears, and a basketball player on his t-shirt.  He was on a little lap top.  He started giggling and hid his face behind the laptop, whispering stuff to his mom.  She looked up and told me, "he thinks you're pretty."  Then about 15 seconds later, he whispered something again, giggling.  She then said, "now he wants to marry you.  He's very fast with the ladies."  He started giggling yet again, motioning for his mom to lean in for another set of instructions but this time she said, "you tell her yourself!  I aint your wing man!"
Of course it was hilarious, but of course it got me all emotional because I wanted that so badly to be Gideon and me.  Gideon a ball player and me telling him I aint his wing man!

15 minutes post the 6 hour mark I started to panic.  Yup, I did.  Especially when the nurse came in and simply said, "things are great!  Still working on him though."  WHAT?  This was when she was supposed to say they're closing him up.

It would be TWO HOURS later that we'd get that update.  Gideon was on the bypass machine for a total of 8 hours when all was said and done.  His nurse Ami later told me that when she was told she was getting a baby who was on bypass for 8 hours, she said "I was apprehensive."  I found out later on that sometimes babies don't survive the surgery Gideon had.  To be grateful actually that he had downs.  The saying goes, "you can't kept a downs baby down" in the PICU.

Seeing Gideon for the first time was hard.  They had to paralyze him and he had so many tubes coming out of him and wires going into him.  But to be honest, as hard as it was, I wasn't emotional.  I was relieved.

The next 2 days he was passing with flying colors.  I wondered if we'd be out in 5 days, but I had a sense, a feeling, that I needed to just sit back and buckle up.

Long story short, Gideon started going down hill after the 3 days.  We ended up at the hospital for a total of 24 days.  And in those 24 days, I have to say, I had never before seen God's hand so clearly in my life.

When I was pregnant with Gideon, the adversary worked so hard on me.  Harder than I had ever EVER experienced in my entire life.  I had the craziest thoughts going through my head, the darkest feelings, the most desperate of days.  And then Gideon was born.  A spirit so elite in the pre-life that he didn't need to be tested like most of us do here on Earth.  And my 24 days in the hospital were filled with so many tender mercies and experiences testifying to me that God exists and loves me, so many "coincidences" that were so incredibly coincidental that you had to believe "there are no such things as coincidences, the Author just chooses to remain anonymous." 

A lady from my new ward called me.  We had never met but she called because she knew what we were going through and sympathized.  "I had a baby who needed heart surgery, we lived here but I had to stay up in Spokane with 3 kids at home.  I know exactly what you're going through and my heart just breaks for you."  Then she shared with me how, during a certain experience, she was reminded by an impression in her mind, "I have carried you through this."

That struck me so hard. 

Because I am sincerely so weak.  My trust in Heavenly Father and my faith are so weak.  But the Lord doesn't fault me for it.  Rather, He has so lovingly placed people in my life these past 6 months who have been His angels.  His angels to carry me, to hold my head up, to help me put one foot in front of the other.  He'll lead me to people who will say things that I need to hear, He'll give me experiences that prove, with out doubt, that He's aware of Gideon and my feelings.

Heavenly Father is so patiently strengthening me through Gideon.  He has put women in my life who have passed through similar and even tougher trials than this one.  The strength that I see in these women.  In my eyes they stand shoulder to shoulder with those mothers in the Book of Mormon who taught their sons to have faith.  These mothers sent their sons into battle.  None were lost.  The faith and power of these mothers brought about the miracle of "moving mountains."  It's a blessing and a privilege to know modern day "mothers of stripling warriors."

I feel so loved by Heavenly Father.  I know He's real.  I know He answers prayers.  I'm a standing witness, proof, that I don't have to have perfect faith in Him or perfect trust for Him to love me.  I just need to work at it.  I just need to have a desire.  He's taken that desire of mine and worked mighty miracles in my life.  And as time goes by, I know my faith and trust in Him can grow and grow and strengthen and strengthen. 

And I feel so strongly that Gideon will be a big part of that growth and strengthening.  I think that's a huge aspect of our eternal relationship.  I think Gideon strengthened me in the pre existence.  I think he held my hand and led me to greater things than what I could have done on my own.  I sense his strength as I hold him.  I sense that he's an "older spirit" than me.  It's just my privilege that I get to be his earthly mom.

Gideon came home on August 29th.  Healthy and well.  The doctors are happy with how his heart looks.  We're not out of the woods yet, we still have the possibility of another surgery down the road.  In the mean time, I know I'll continue to strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father and those angels He's put in my path.  And in the mean time, we'll enjoy Gideon.  He is an elite spirit and an extremely loved baby.

P.S.  I ended up making 12 washcloths

5 mos as a mom with a child with downsyndrome

Last month I was in the grocery store with G-man.  Just the 2 of us.  He was in his stroller, hooked up to his feeding and O2 tubes.  I just had to grab a couple of things.

We were in line in front of a lady with 4 kids.  They were all close in age and super well behaved.  She still looked disheveled.  I guess the totally "hands on" moms look worked.  This is no job for the prissy!!  ;)

She noticed G-man and asked me what was up. 

It floors me that I am now the mom of a child who gets "the looks" from strangers.  Floors me.  F.L.O.O.R.S  M.E.  I totally see what it's like now to be on this side of the fence.  And I can say, in all honestly, that I WANT people to ask me.  Because I KNOW they see him.  He has tubes.  He looks a bit different.  A bit gorgeously different, but different all the same.  I want to tell the world about him, not have him be some curiosity fodder.

So she asked me. 

And I told her. 

All about his heart I told her.  How he has a handful of things wrong but seeing doctors who will operate on him etc.  Come to find out her oldest son also had open heart surgery.  Come to find out, we share cardiologists!

And that's as far as the conversation went.  Just his heart.

Nothing about his having downs.

I couldn't.

Because I knew if told her he had downs, I'd start crying.  I knew that if she saw me crying, she'd think that I was sad that he had downs.  I knew that she'd think that maybe I felt I was cheated.  That life sucked to be a mom with a child with downs.  That I was stuck with a burden for the rest of my life or his. 

And quite frankly, I didn't have time to explain my tears.

I had time to explain my tears though to a teller at our bank.  I've gotten to be good friends with her actually.  I was at the bank a few days later and we got to talking.  She knew all about G-man and I knew all about her youngest brother who is now 52.  Both have that extra chromosome.  I told her about my experience at the grocery store.  And to her I explained my tears as they came pouring out, right at her desk.

"I couldn't tell her because I knew I'd cry.  And I knew she'd think I was sad.  But I'd have cried because having a child with downs is so special."

We both started crying actually.  She shared with me the intense bond her own mom had with her baby brother.  How they had such a special connection.  How when she passed away, he KNEW even before anyone told him.  How during her last days, only he could bring her out of her lucidness, how she would always ask for him and only him.

Having G-man as my son is the most special thing that has happened to me.  It's a constant spiritual experience.  It's an awareness that he did some pretty amazing things in the pre-life that granted him protection here on Earth.  When I hold G-man, every fiber of my being tells me that he's older than I am, that he's more advanced than I am.  I can already tell he's more patient.  I can already tell that he's more accepting and loving of others than I am.  I can already tell just as he took me by the hand in the pre-life and helped me do who knows what, he will continue to take me by the hand in this life and help me to do who knows what.

It's such a special privilege, blessing, to have him.  Which explains why it's so hard for me to tell people about him, about the REAL him, because it's so special.  It's almost sacred.

And this further explains my complete and absolute mental and emotional condition as we hit the 10 day countdown to his surgery.   Be it known, I'll be a complete mess.  I know how I'll handle it.  I'll go into survival mode more than ever before.  I won't visit friends, talk on the phone, nothing.  Cuz it's how I deal.  I'll escape to my quiet place in my mind as I try and distance myself from my reality.  The reality that I could possibly lose G-man and not have him with me.  I know this is a complete lack of faith.  It is.  It's also how I try and protect myself from what could be the greatest pain I'd ever feel. 

I'm too afraid of thinking of hoping for a future with him because a future with Gideon, a heart healthy Gideon, would be like having an angel accompany me here on Earth.  It would be just so awesome!

If you're reading this and if you've been given the news that you are pregnant with a baby with downs, please don't take this as bad news.  If you've been given the "opportunity" to choose between keeping the baby or aborting, believe me when I say, you are carrying a literal angel and you will know this the minute you hold your baby.

Shame on our health care system to address these pregnancies as "oh, I'm sorry, but ..."  Health care providers should hand golden tickets to moms carrying babies with Trisomy 21.  These moms should be applauded, should even be admired.  Because we get to raise angels.  And we get to experience a bond with these special babies that no other knows.  I have a close and special bond with all my kids.  But with Gideon, it's different.  It's beyond an "intense desire to protect."  It's more like, ... he completes me like no other.  We are each others.  I am his and he is mine.  It's like the most intense love story ever. 

He lets me soothe him like no other.  He cries and when I hold him, his calming down is practically immediate.  When I'm angry, all it takes is a few seconds with him, holding him, and my anger ebbs.  A tiny smile elicits a belly laugh from me.  Gideon and I have a connection.  It's a heavenly connection. 

Moms who have kids with downs will understand this connection.  Don't abort.  You will lose out on so much.

It's only been 5 months and I've learned this much about Gideon.  I pray and pray and pray that I get to keep him for so much longer. 

He's my buddy.

1st miracle

We have 3 huge massive issues on our plate. 
#1 ~ Gideon.  He's not an issue per say, he's actually quite perfect.  It's his heart.  I've written plenty about that and will write more I'm sure.
#2 ~ Selling our house in VA.  This is a huge financial issue.  Because as long as we have it, every month we're paying mortgage on it along with our rent here.  We've had 2 contracts so far on our place.  And we've been totally screwed by the inspector these would be owners have hired.  I'm not going to go into detail here, but he truly has screwed us.
#3 ~ Have you ever tried to find a place to rent here?  If you have more than 2 kids, it's next to impossible.  If you have 9.  Well, all of a sudden a snowball's chance in hell looks pretty good.

This post is regarding point #3.

Not only did we hate where we lived, (well, hate is a strong word.  The house was great, but really, only if you had max 2 kids) but our landlord was ready to have us out.  We were probably there "against code" as the house really was too small for 11 people.  She let us know that she had already found tenants and we needed to be out by the end of June.

And we were in May.

And between Matt and me, we had literally turned over every stone, wood chip, leaf, and twig looking for a place to rent.

Nothing.  Literally, nothing.

Because who wants to rent to a family of 11.  And we were running out of time.

It was over the course of about 3 days that I kept having this "feeling" to post on FB that we needed a place to rent.  I seriously ignored it because we don't know a ton of people here, so not a bunch of people on my FB from here.  On around the 3rd day, I specifically remember walking down our tiny hallway towards the living room and that same feeling came, "post it on FB."  I headed straight for the computer and updated my status.

About 5 minutes later I got a private message from a friend of mine who I met thanks to sports.  See how great sports are?!  Sports never fail!!  ;)  Her son played football with mine and her daughter plays soccer with my daughter.

She messaged that they were buying a home and moving out of their rental and that the house would be perfect for our family. 

Long story short, we moved into our new rental June 18th!!!!! 

Besides the fact that the kids love it and the "lemming syndrome" has vanished, this house is proof that there is a God, His "thoughts are not my thoughts, nor His ways my ways."  His timing may not be my timing, but when it comes down to it, moving here is a testimony to me that His thoughts, ways and timing are WAY better than my own.

Come to find out, this home was basically the home that God had in mind for us all along.  When I wanted to find a larger place to stay a year ago, this house wasn't ready.  So we had to stay put.  And wait.  It was basically ready for us at the moment that we really needed it.

The location allows for the kids to access the bike path quickly and safely.  There's over an acre of land the kids can play on.  The house is far from roads.  It's in a very quite spot. 

Enter Gideon.

There's a separate living area downstairs that allows for guests.  ie Grandparents who need to stay for long periods of time to help because of Gideon.  The house is designed in such a way that if anyone is sick, it's quite easy to stay on opposite sides of the house to better protect Gideon from getting sick.  It's so important that Gideon not get overheated.  This house is one of the few in this town that has central air.

I don't think there were many homes in this town that could have been more perfect for Gideon than this one.

I find it so very interesting the Lord's hand in our rental stress.  He knew we'd have Gideon, so He had us wait.  Then He whispered into my ears for 3 days, telling me to put it on FB.  And my friend just so happened to be on FB to read my post.  Even though I was literally going out of my mind, even having emotional crying spells because of the stress of being in such a tiny house, Heavenly Father made me wait because He knew what we would REALLY need.

And it ended up being more perfect that I could have even imagined.  Heck, there's even a cherry tree here!  He knows that's one of my all time favorite things to eat!!  And it's not fattening!   Quite the contrary!  ;)

I think He's trying to teach me that it's OK to trust Him.  More specifically, to trust Him with Gideon.  That has been my biggest thing these past 5 months.  I need to be able to trust Him with my Gideon. With HIS Gideon.

I was thinking the other day, if our other 2 stressers, Gideon and the VA house, get taken care of as well as Heavenly Father took care of the rent situation, then everything will be better than OK.  Everything will be perfect.  More perfect than I can even imagine.

I need to trust Him better.  He's ever so patiently showing me that I can and should.

1st real look

Last Wednesday the docs had their first real look at Gideon's heart.  We drove up Tues evening cuz they needed to see him Wed at 6AM.  The hospital put us up in a motel for free.  That was cool.  And it was a pretty nice hotel.  Couldn't totally enjoy it.  A:  Because of the reason we were there and B:  We got there like 11PM.

The next morning we brought my sweet angel in and handed him over to the crazy Asian lady nurse who I swear weighed less than Gideon.  She was definitely a loose cannon but I still liked her.  I like people who embrace who they are!  And she embraced!

It was supposed to be a 2-4 hour procedure.  A heart cath.  An angiogram.  SIX hours later the doctor comes out and says, "the longest and hardest part of the procedure was getting his IV in.  So we had to put the line in his neck."  Then left.  I was like, "uhhh, hmmm. I just want to know if I'll get to be his mom here on Earth or not."  Half an hour later, crazy Asian comes out and even though she must've been 60 (OK, she looked 60, so that'd put her at about 100 years old) she FLEW down the hall.  You couldn't keep up with her if you sprinted.  And it wasn't even an emergency.  She was just some dynamite speed walker.  She kept turning her face at us and saying, "Come!  Come see your baby!"

Poor Gideon.  He was all banged up.  His cry was so weak and pathetic cuz of the that tube thing and he hadn't eaten for SO LONG.  I just held him.  Ohhh how I love holding him.  So much of him to hold!  I love it!  And he's so incredibly sweet!

After about an hour in the post op room, his doctor finally came.  It's such a trial of your patience there.  It's like when you're eating out and you can't wait for your food to get to you.  That's like the cardiologist.  Any hint that the doctor could be the person opening up the door, your heart just skips a beat, hoping it's him.  Most of the time it's not.  It's a random parent or nurse.  And you get so disappointed.  But then when you see him, at least for me, the adrenaline picks up.  I was willing him to come to me. Like when the kitchen door opens and the guy comes out with the round tray of food.  You're just willing that food to be yours.  If they go right by, the disappointment is huge.  When they stop right in front of you, well, you know the feeling.

Dr G. walked over, sat down in front of us and said, "OK, ... first let me show you what I saw ..."

I'm not kidding, my heart plummeted.  My insides turned to ice.  He started fiddling with the computer, looking over his notes.  Finally I said, "IS IT GOOD NEWS OR BAD NEWS?!?!"

And just like that, Dr. G. said, "it's good news."

So here's what they found.  The coarctation of his aorta valve is actually more narrow than they had thought.  They thought the narrowing was bigger, but no.  Smaller. 
The PDA was still opened.  For normal babies, it shuts.  Not Gids.  But they THOUGHT it was super small.  Nope.  It was much bigger than they thought. 
The GREAT news however was that his right ventricle, which is smaller than the left, isn't THAT MUCH SMALLER.  That was awesome news!!!!  That meant they CAN FIX HIS HEART!! 

Because of the other things however, they have to fix his heart in stages.  He wants to schedule a surgery to fix the narrowing and the PDA sooner and then a month or so down the road, the AV canal.

I still can't believe I'm a parent of a child referred to as "critical cardiac failure" and pulmonary hypertension.  Though regarding the latter.  Doc is hoping that the lung issues are a direct result of his heart and that once the heart is fixed, the hypertension will resolve.

It was around 4 when we finished talking with him and ready to go at 5.  But of course Gids developed a clot in his leg, so we got admitted.  And they found out he had 2 types of viruses, so they put us in quarantine.  Which ended up being fine because we got another free hotel stay and Gideon was in a room all by himself.

I use the word "fine" very loosely.  Walking the halls of the hospital, the thought, "I can't believe this is my life" comes and goes non stop.  I really can't.  I can't believe that we've been there for so long and so many times that nurses REMEMBER him.  I'm used to active, healthy kids.  When it comes to hospitals, it's only the labor and delivery wing I utilize and only for 1, maybe 2 days.  Not the NICU, not the PICU.  I'm used to midwives, not cardiologist.  Normally, if I'm ever at hospitals, it's me walking past rooms, taking quick glances at the people sleeping in their beds.  Now it's the other way.  I sit there, holding my baby, looking out from my room, seeing people walk past, as if I'm a zoo animal or something.  I know what they're thinking.  "Poor poor lady.  Poor poor baby she's holding"  I know that because I thought that.

Gideon handles things so much better than I do.  He loves staring at his nurses.  It's almost as if he's flirting.  He just stares and wiggles around, blasting out poops as if that's the way to make the ladies swoon.  He hates having his blood pressure checked but LOVES it when his nurses hold him.  He also loves it when they dip his binkie in what they call "sweeties."  It's basically syrup.

He's a strong kid.  That's the constant feedback we get.  How strong he is, "especially for a baby with downs AND heart failure."  They're amazed at how well he engages others.  He loves people. 

But he loves me most.  Nothing can comfort him like I can.  He can be so upset and all I have to do is hold him and talk to him and immediately, he settles down.  My heart just soars every time this happens.  I love that he loves me.  That he needs me.

Because the feeling is so incredibly mutual.  Ohhhh how I love him and need him.  Heavenly Father gave me the biggest compliment when He gave me to Gideon.  Not because He "trusts" me with Gideon.  But because Gideon is such a strong, valiant, mighty and loving son to his Heavenly Father.  And I get him?!

Already I have had some very important relationships strengthened because of him.  Already I have become a softened person because of him.  Already I have become a more dedicated wife and mother because of him.  Gideon is my buddy. 

And his cardiologist said he can fix him!

Latest quilts

Matt said I needed an intervention.  That I'm going a bit "quilt cray-cray." 

And he's RIGHT!  I can't stop!!  I even go to bed just imagining what my next quilt will be, what colors I want to use, how big.  Will be back be flannel, minky or cotton?  I've made 5 quilts in the past 2 weeks and I have 4 in my "que."

I'll post 2.  I already found homes for the others, but these 2 are still here with me.  One is for Gids and the other still needs it's "matching quilt" before I can send it.

See the Loft label?  It's cuz I totally screwed up that part and had to cover it.  That's how I covered it.  Now I want to put a label on every single one of my quilts!  ;)  Makes 'em look legit!

May 28th

I just figured out how to post pictures.  OK, so I knew at one time, but I remember posting them one day and it wasn't working so at that exact moment, I put it in my head that the blogging site had changed up how you could post pictures and I didn't want to spend the time figuring it out. 

So I stopped posting pics.

Then today I tried it out again and viola, it worked!  So now I can post the week's goings on AND pictures!!

And of course, pictures all have Gideon.  That's just the way it goes!

Tonight Angela was holding him and she started messing with his cheeks, squeezing them.

The kids, well, the younger ones, started laughing so hard.  His face was just sooo funny!  And he just stared at the reaction he got, staring at all this siblings, wondering why they were laughing so hard.

Life tonight was good. 

Oh, I'm having some serious quilt issues.  I can't stop quilting or thinking about the next quilt I'm gonna make or wanna make. 

I made this one not too long ago.  I wish I could make the small pics right next to each other.  Kind of annoying.  Anyways.  Well, tonight I just wanted to post a couple of pictures.  I need to stop posting on FB so much cuz I'm so, I guess narcissistic or something cuz I always check my FB after I've posted something to see who likes it or to see if there are any comments.  That's terrible!  OK, I'm tired. 

Test

Just checking to see if I can post pictures here.

3 months ago today

Gideon will be 3 months old in just under 6 hours.  I hope I can release my mind, thoughts and feelings sufficiently to make sense of this post tonight.

It still blows me away that I have a son who has down syndrome. 

And it's not in a bad way.  I'm excited to have him.  I told my sister the other day that if I were told, "you can fix everything and anything about your Gideon" I would say, "just fix his heart and his lungs.  But I want everything else to stay the same."

I'm not saying that because I'm in denial about what having a child with ds means.  I'm not saying that to be "noble."  I'm not saying it out of perpetual naivety.  I'm not saying it because it's the politically correct (have I ever mentioned how much I HATE pc??) parental attitude.

I'm saying that because when I hold Gideon, and I hold him a LOT, it's honestly a euphoric experience.  Holding him, even though I don't get to nurse him like the others, I feel the absolute strongest bond with him.  It's as if my spirit self is reaching through my chest and embracing him.  It's as if we have been reunited after 42 years of separation.  I love all my children fiercely, I have a strong bond with all of my kids.  I have a close relations with them today.  Gideon is different.  We have something very different.  He was born, protected from temptation.  His mission is different than mine.  My purpose here on Earth is to prove myself, to be obedient to the Lord's commandments if I want to live with Heavenly Father again.  Gideon did something, did many somethings, before he was born, to earn him the privilege of the Lord's protection.

So of course I wouldn't want to "fix" his downs.  He's by far the easiest baby I've had!  He stares at me so fixedly.  When he smiles, I seriously get butterflies in my stomach.  When he coos, he has me feeling almost desperate to exchange "coo" conversation.  He loves it when I sing.  I could kill a bird with my voice, but I sing anyways because it seems to engage him the best.  I love how he holds my finger, and his siblings' fingers, with such strength.  He holds on so tightly his fingertips get white.  And he doesn't let go!

I texted my "other half" Missy today, telling her about my feelings regarding Gideon and his upcoming heart stuff.  I have literally lost my appetite because of his heart.  I hate seeing his cardiologist, mainly because they refer to Gideon as "critical heart failure" and have said on countless occasions, "He has complex issues" or "there's a lot going on in that heart."  In the darkest corners of my mind, I think, "what if they can't fix him?"  Tears are welling up even as I write this.  The doctors are a bit on edge regarding what course of action to take, so they watch him.  The want to see how his heart grows.  I agree with how they're going about it because I recognize that it's up to his heart and right now, out of their hands.  And I feel so incredibly helpless.  I walk around at the very least subconsciously terrified about his heart surgery.  I told Missy that it feels like I have a cactus wrapped around my stomach.

She wrote back, comforting me so much.  The words she shared made me think, "no wonder we had to move to VA.  I was supposed to meet her and other close friends out there to help get me through this time."  I was reminded, while I read her text, that we really were friends in the pre-existence.  I was reminded that we really did live and create friendships and bonds with others and that we really did pick up where we left off when we reunited here on Earth.

And this assured me that my feelings regarding Gideon and OUR bond are REAL and that we really did have a special relationship before this Earth life.  And that Gideon really WAS such a valiant, strong warrior before his Earth life that he was blessed with ds as a promise from our Heavenly Father that he would be protected while on this Earth.

And even though I feel and know all of this, I still fear.  Oh how I want this boy so badly here on Earth.  I want to walk hand in hand with him, like I know we did in the pre Earth life, helping others see how wonderful and special children who have downs are.  I want to hope that one of his purposes here on Earth is to let others see that unborn babies with trisomy 21 shouldn't be aborted but rather their births anticipated with such excitement and awe.  I want him to bless our family in the ways that only he can bless us.  The hope and excitement I have for Gideon coupled with the overwhelming fear and helplessness regarding his heart just about tear me apart.  So I find that I have to keep BOTH of those feelings at bay.  Both.   

My sister said it best.  "It's like you're holding your breath until his surgery."  She's right.  And when you're holding your breath, nothing else matters to you but being able to breath again.

Finding a rental to fit our family.
Selling our house in VA.
What people think of me.
Anger.
Pride.

The list can go on, but what I'm trying to say is these past 3 months with Gideon, I have changed.  I'm so lucky to have him.  My family is so lucky to have him.  And I want the world to know him.  Because he's just so great!

P.S.  We actually DID find a home to rent!!!!  Facebook has it's perks!  I had posted that we really needed to find something and about 5 mins later I got a private message from a friend of mine who's daughter plays soccer with my daughter and viola!  She's moving into a new place and we're renting her place!! 

300

I loved the name Soren the first time I heard it.  It was an Elder I taught at the MTC.  I wanted that name for one of my boys so badly!  I loved the name William because, well, all cute boys are named William and it's a family name on both my side and Matt's.  And Gideon was in the mix because of the Gideon in the Book of Mormon.  I mean, I absolutely love Captain Moroni.  I plan to search him out first thing when I pass over to the next life.  It'll be a long line though for him.  Lots of people love him.  But I also love Gideon, just as much.  He was more of the "silent" hero in my opinion and I LOVE the silent heroes.  Gideon was so full of wisdom and insight and so fiercely loyal and brave.  I can't wait to meet him.

We knew we'd know which one we'd give to our baby once we met him.  As soon as he was out, Matt knew and I agreed about 10 minutes later.

When we found out about all of his stuff, we realized we had named him perfectly.  And when I studied up on the Gideon of the Old Testament, I got goose bumps as I realized, he was named way too perfectly.

Which brings me to the purpose of this post.  When it rains, it pours.  Gideon was born end of Feb and we spent a month in the nicu.  We brought him home March 24th.  We're currently living in very small quarters.  We want so badly to find a house that better fits our family.  Not looking for any mansions, just something ... not so tiny.  Our lease here ends in May.  And we listed our house in VA last week with the hopes that if we sell it, we can buy a home here.  Yes, buy.  People don't believe in renting to a family with 9 kids.  And the kids are getting quite cranky. 

So basically, looking for a miracle.  Can we sell our VA home in time to buy a house that we can move in to by the end of May?  And in the meantime, can I keep it together mentally and emotionally as I watch Gideon deal with his heart condition? 

Then I'm reminded of the story of Gideon in the Old Testament.  Israel was in bondage to the Midianites and the Lord tells Gideon that through him, He would free Israel.  Gideon gathers some 32,000 men to fight the Midianites and the Lord tells him, "too many.  Let the chicken ones go home" (more or less, in my own words).  He was then left with 10,000.  Still too many.  So the Lord has Gideon take them to the river and according to the style of drinking from the river, sends all but 300 home.

300. 

300 to fight the Midianites.  Not to just fight, but to free Israel from.

In my opinion, an impossible situation.

But we learn that the reason is so the Israelites could see and gain or strengthen their testimonies in the power of the Lord's hand.  He wanted the army small so He could make miracles happen.

Sometimes I feel like the Lord does this on individual levels.  He has us "reduced to 300" so He can make miracles happen.  That's the only answer I can come up with.  I have found myself in the most impossible of situations so many times where truly, only by the hand of God could I get out and as I look back on my situations and reflect on them ... it's really the "Footprints in the Sand" type stuff.

I was reduced to "300" that month in the nicu and I tell you, the Lord showed His hand so many times.  I'm reduced right now to "300" as I feel completely backed into a housing corner.  I'm reduced to "300" with my new role as a mother to a baby with heart and lung issues that scare me to death. 

I can only imagine how Gideon must have felt with his 300.  I can only imagine how those soldiers must have felt.  I'm sure there was some fear, some uncertainty, but even so, they moved forward.  It's all I can do right now.  I have no idea what's going to happen with our housing situation.  I have no idea how Gideon will do over the next few weeks and into his surgery.

I do know how the story in Judges ends.  It's miraculous, it's genius, it's even sorta comical (I think anyways.)  It's proof that the Lord really is in the details of our lives.  And I can trust Him.

Gideon these past few weeks

Most of my posts recently have all been "Gideon-charged."  And sorta "heavy" if that makes sense.  I don't want that to be the norm though of my writing here.  I do want to write a little bit of the family and our goings on and such.  With Gids in the mix, however, our goings on have been ... different.

Kids are doing great with practically everything.  They've all settled in with him, all very concerned about him.  Tonight Colby asked me, "when he has his heart surgery, will he get 100% oxygen like normal?"  The kids ask off and on, "will he be high functioning or not?"  There's an unspoken competition to see who Gids smiles at first.  He hasn't smiled yet.  Well, not on purpose anyways.  Everyone tries to get him to smile at them so they can be "the winner."  I'm sorta in the competition too.  He better smile at me first!  After everything I went through to get him here!?!  LOL!

Soccer has started up.  The 4 older ones are on travel teams and the little ones are still in rec.  I almost didn't sign the younger ones up.  Too much going on.  But they were begging and of course I broke.  Good thing I love soccer.  If this was for theatre or something of the sort, ugh, that'd be so hard!  What makes it all difficult for me is, I have to depend 100% on others to get my kids to and from practices and most games.  G-man can't leave the house and I won't leave him with my inlaws, so I have to rely on others to cart my kids around.  Talk about walk of shame!  I was told that Filipinos are a pride-pull fee-full!  It might be true.  I've got some weird pride in my blood, and having to get help from others really takes it out of me.  But I have no choice.  And so I just walk around feeling super grateful, super indebt, and super remembering how this is and how I will carpool anyone who needs it in the future. 

Gideon's doing great.  He's very dependent on his oxygen, feeding tube and meds, but he's thriving.  He's gaining weight and is actually a really good sleeper (thanks to the cardiac stuff I've learned.)  He LOVES making and keeping eye contact with people who are engaging him.  He's so inquisitive.  I forget so many times that he's only 6 weeks old.  He's starting to hold his head up when I lay him on my chest.  It's so cute.  He'll be on my chest then bring his head up and that canula is up on his forhead.  He's so precious.

Today Angela said, "he doesn't even look like he has down syndrome."  Honestly, I wasn't sure how to take that.  He has moments when he really doesn't look downs at all, but then moments when he looks super downs.  And it's those moments that I just LOVE!  I love that I get to be the mom of a baby with ds.  He's such a special, strong, valiant, precious guy and I kinda want the world to see how great my kid is even with the ds.  I don't want people to see ds as a "negative" thing but rather a GREAT and noble thing.  I don't know if this makes any sense. 

While in the hospital I was reading this book filled with stories of families learning that their baby has trisomy 21 and although every story was heartwarming and motivating, I noticed that every single time they were told their baby had trisomy 21, either pre or post delivery, the news was always given in an apologetic way, sometimes even followed with "you can terminate this pregnancy..."  I think this needs to stop.  I think caregivers need to give this news in just the same excited way as they give the "you're having twins!" news or what not. 

Gideon acts just like all my babies have acted.  His arms and legs kick and swim, when he's mad those arms do that cute "chorister type" wave.  When he looks around the room, you can just see him taking it all in.  He loves his binkies.  He hates his diaper dirty.  He loves so much to be held.  You hold him and he'll fall right asleep.  When I put him up to my chest, he just curls right in.  He's just like all my other babies.  Except that dang heart of his.  Ughhh, drives me crazy!

Anyways, we're doing pretty well.  When it rains, it pours though.  Our lease is up end of May and we can't sign on for another year.  We just can't.  House is just too small.  But no one wants to rent to a family with 9 kids.  Believe me, we're trying.  We're being forced almost to have to buy a house.  But to buy, we need to sell our VA house which we just put on the market 2 days ago.  So it's like we're being forced into a corner and there's no way out.  We told the kids last night that we utterly need a miracle.  Of course right after that they start fighting over who's wearing who's shoes and "she's wearing my shirt and didn't even ask!"  I was like, "guys, we need a miracle.  Acting like this is gonna get us a curse!"  My kids might make all As and Bs in school, but I don't think there are many lights on in the common sense department.

OK, it's late.  I need to give my baby his heart medicine.  Crazy.  I have a child who needs heart meds.  Blows my mind. 

There are no coincidences

Suffice it to say, Gideon's birth and the weeks that closely followed marked the worst time of my life.  When you truly, and in the deepest and most tender parts of your heart, believe you are going to lose your child, this journey you call life takes one of the most sudden, jolting turns.  For me, it was as if I took a wrong turn and found myself falling off a cliff I had no idea I was even close to.

The first week was spent with Matt and me together, staying at the hospital.  Some Ronald McDonald room about 4 floors up from the nicu.  The following week Matt had to go back to work and I was moved to the Ronald McDonald house, about 2 miles from the hospital.  The first night as I sat in my room alone, after having been with Gideon that day, I let all of my emotions and tears run.  And it was at that moment that I realized something about myself. 

I have absolute faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  I know They both live, that They love me and that They hear and answer prayers.  But that night, while I was pouring my heart out to my Heavenly Father, I realized something.  It was very clear to me that I did not TRUST Heavenly Father or my Savior.  It's so easy to talk about faith and trust when you're on your mission, or when you're teaching Sunday School or when you're teaching missionaries at the MTC.  It's so easy to talk about faith and trust when you're teaching your kids.  It's even easy to HAVE faith and trust when your moving from VA to ID.  Everything changes when the life of your child is in the mix.

My prayers were so full of fear and doubt.  I KNEW Heavenly Father could heal Gideon, but I was afraid to put Gideon in His hands.  Because what if by doing so, He would take him from me?  That was my fear.  I needed the faith necessary to move mountains, but I was too afraid to trust.  What kind of mother was I??

The story of Helaman and his 2 thousand stripling warriors came to mind many times.  Those mothers had the faith and TRUST in the Lord to send their young sons to fight men, well versed in battle.  Had I lived back then, could I have done that?  Or would I be that one mom who would have taken Colby and Dallin and hidden them because I was too afraid?  This story in the Book of Mormon is one of the absolute most powerful stories because as we know, not a single one of those young sons died.  Oh the power of faith!  And you KNOW that as they fought, angels were fighting next to them.  And that's what Gideon needed!

I felt so conflicted, so my prayers, every night at the Ronald McDonald house, were, "please help me to trust You."  I had a desire to trust, to be totally faithful, because Gideon needed the power that comes with faith.  I simply needed to let go of my fear.

Heavenly Father has been so loving, patient and kind to me.  He has sent more tender mercies to me in these past 6 plus weeks that I have had my entire life.  He's trying to help me strengthen my faith in Him.

The other day I wondered if Gideon would be able to play sports.  His heart just has so much going on,  I wondered if he'd even be able to play like his older siblings.  It was just a thought.  The NEXT MORNING I get an email from my sweet Ashley, telling me about her experience working as a swim instructor for downs teens and adults.  She said, "get so excited about the world of sports for kids with down syndrome! I don't know why exactly, but I knew I needed to stay up tonight and write this to you."  Tears filled my eyes as I read her email.

Paula sends me a letter with a scripture reference, 2Nephi, 22:2.  It was as if the Lord was literally comforting me through her.  I felt like it was OK to fear and even more OK to let go of that fear and to trust.  The Lord validated my feelings via that scripture and basically let me know it really was OK to trust Him.

I'll randomly think of who Gideon was before he came to Earth and just like that I'll get a text from my sister Heather or Missy or Laura and they'll say something about the strong and valiant person Gideon was before he came to me.

Mildred told me, "You kept feeling like you weren't done until Gideon was born. You were waiting for him.  Good for you."

I meet Patty on FB, move to ID where she lives, we recognize each other as bosom buddies, and low and behold, her sister has a son who has gone through what Gideon is going through.

Last Sunday, during Elder Holland's talk, the Lord spoke directly to me when Elder Holland said to not be discouraged if you fail or are not strong enough.  Simply having a DESIRE is all you need.  That talk was for me.

And then today, like the icing on the cake, our stake president introduces his talk as, "There are no coincidences.  The Author just chooses to remain anonymous."  He spoke of how the Lord intervenes in our lives.  He softens hearts, strengthens us, and sends help.

The Lord sent help to me.  Has been sending help.  He knows me.  He knows my struggles, my fears, and my desires.  And He's not mad at me for not trusting Him.  Instead, He's helping me to learn to trust Him.

Honestly, it's still a work in progress.  Gideon is home.  He's growing.  He's gaining weight.  All of his doctors are happy with his progress.  My trust is growing.  His surgery is in June/July.  I can't even describe the feelings of excitement and fear that flow side by side in my heart.  I'm trying to chip away at my fear and build my trust.  I pray that He'll continue to lift me.  That He'll continue sending me His tender mercies.  I feel that He will.  I trust that He will.

Gideon's big day

When you've birthed 8 kiddos and have had pretty much the same "experience", you get pretty confident in your abilities and know exactly how your 9th experience will be.

I always go late, never on time.  Epidurals don't work for me (tried it with #1 and 2), I labor FOR-EVER, we're talking average 20 hrs, I need Pitocin when I get to an 8 to get me to a 9, I never get to a 10, but push anyways and the baby is out after about 2 pushes.  As soon as the baby's out I have some totally euphoric experience, cheering to everyone that "I'm SOOO happy!" and pretty much cartwheel out of the bed, going home the next day because nurses get all made at me when they bring me my babies and I fall asleep with them in bed. 

I was a little nervous though with Gideon because I had a doctor and I just prefer midwives.  Not an option for me here however (they only do home births and I'm not about that at all) so whenever I met with my doctor and she'd mention, "You're old ... we can't let you go too long ... you're old ... you're old ... " I got a little apprehensive.  In my opinion, doctors equaled C-section and since C-sections involve epidurals and since epidurals don't work for me, I seriously wondered if I was gonna die this time around.

My last check up with my doctor found me dilated to a "tight 1" (or was she lying?  Was I really more like a 3 and she just wanted to C-section the baby out?) and a scheduled induction date for the next Wednesday.  I about had a heart attack.  I wasn't contracting or even Braxton hicking anymore and if I was going to be induced, I just saw it ending in a total train wreck.

I asked Matt for a blessing Tuesday night.  It was apparent to me that I wasn't going to go into labor on my own and seriously, I started thinking of all the "single friends" I have who could take my place, mothering my kids.  Not even kidding.

The one thing he in the blessing he said that hit me, that I remember and will never forget, was, "The Lord is aware of you.  He will take care of you, not in the way you expect, but He will take care of you."

I was mad.  After the blessing I was like, "What kind of blessing was that?!  I didn't want to hear THAT!  What did you mean by that?!"  Poor Matt was all, "I just say what I feel impressed to say!"  Well then say something good was pretty much my response. 

It was a blessing that did not at all comfort me.

The next day I went to the hospital.  Still only dialated to a 1.  So I said, "sorry guys, please tell my doctor that I won't be induced" and I left the hospital.  Went home and took a brisk 3 mile walk around the arboretum and suffered ZERO Braxton hicks or contractions.  The walk was brisk because I was ABLE to do it.

Thursday around 1AM my water broke.  Just a trickle, but enough to wake me up.  I was glad that I started labor on my own and figured any minute contractions would start and we'd have another awesome "Sadie easy delivery" experience.  I went to bed anticipating the contractions and slept soundly until 6 when the kids had to get up. 

ZERO contractions.

So the plan was, get the kids to school and then I needed to go to the sports store for soccer paraphernalia and then I was going to hit the mall and check out sales at DownEast.  Right before I left the phone rang.  It was Matt.

"I told the doctor (Matt works for a doctor) about you and she strongly suggested that you go ahead and get seen at the hospital."

That rubbed me wrong.  I can listen to a doctor OR I can listen to my body.  And my body was telling me to get as much done before labor actually starts.  Matt repeated what he thought I should do.  I relented, only because it was still before 10 and nothing was opened yet.  I could get the hospital hoop-lah out of the way then get the fun stuff done.

I rushed out the door, just with my purse and promised my crying 2 and 4 year old, "have fun with Grandma, I'll be right back."

Famous last words.

When I got to the hospital and explained things, they said, "lets just see if that was your water that broke."

I knew it was cuz I know my body.

I was right.

But since I wasn't contracting AT ALL I told the nurses, "I need to go though because I'm really not in labor."

"Well honey, your water broke almost 12 hours ago, so you really NEED to be in labor."
"Annnd I'm not, so I'm going to leave."
"Well honey, you really can't.  We need to start you on some Pitocin"
"But I'm only dialated to a 1."
"We know."

I texted Matt crying.   I can't be given Pitocin at a 1.  That needs to happen when I'm at an 8.  It's happened EVERY TIME.  I told him I was upset and he needed to come as soon as he could.  He was at my bedside in the hour.

They started the pit and for about 5 hours we hung out in the hospital room and took some laps around the floor.  This was a complete night mare.  Normally I labor walking around Target and getting lunch with Matt.  After 5 hrs on  pit I had dialated to a 4. 

Defeating.

They upped the pit and yeah, it started getting quite uncomfortable.  But baby wasn't descending.  Sooo, what do you do when you're laboring with Pitocin and it's been 16 hours?  You do lunges and squats and hip swirls.  Yup, that's what the nurses had me doing.  And it was best to do this through the contractions.

11PM.  I was dialated to a 7.  My water had been broken 18 hours and baby's heart wasn't handeling the contractions well.  I was exhausted and frankly, panicking.  C-section seemed to loom in the dark corners of my room like a murderer.  What was wrong with my body?!

Honestly, the pain got so great and I was starting to feel so defeated that when they suggested, for the umpteenth time that I try an epidural, I relented. 

And I totally felt at peace about it.

Long story short, THE EPIDURAL WORKED!  And this was the reason Matt said what he said.  I would get an epidural that "I didn't want" and it would end up working.  I fell back in my bed so happy, so reassured, so relaxed.  I knew I'd be able to snooze and then I'd push and we'd have our baby.

Around 3AM the doctor woke me up, surrounded by 3 nurses.

"Erika, your baby's heart is not dealing well at all with the contractions.  If you're not dialated and can't push RIGHT NOW we have to have a C-section."

I knew I'd be able to push once she checked me.  And it'd be real quick.

"You're still at a 7."

And I totally felt at peace.

I got the "mother of all mother" shots that just went into my epidural and immediately felt "out of it."  I remember being wheeled out in my bed.  I remember we rode in an elevator.  I remember the super bright room.  I remember them putting a little hat thing on my head.  I remember them lifting me off of my bed onto another bed.  I remember them putting some drape thing over my chest.  I remember my doctor asking me, "Erika, can you feel this?"
"No"
"Good"

I closed my eyes.  I knew what was happening.  I braced for the "uncomfortable tugging and pulling".  I felt one tiny tug.  One tiny pull.  And then I heard his cry.

I could hardly turn my head towards Matt but did anyways, asking him if the baby was out.  Matt said yes.  I was so glad.  I was so glad he was out, that he was alive, that things really DID go well.  I couldn't wait to be undrugged so I could hold our caboose. 

I saw right away that he had dark hair.  That meant he'd be Gideon.  I really liked Soren and William as names, but they seemed like "white people names".  I have to admit, I REALLY wanted Soren.  Always have, but he was such a dark baby, it just didn't seem to fit.  He'd be Gideon Cruz.  I saw right away that he had FAT already!  Fat forearms, fat thighs, fat calves, he even had fat on the back of his neck. 
"9 lbs 2 ounces!"  Yup, our fattest baby.
"21 inches!"  And our longest! 

I quickly calculated that it meant that I easily lost 10 lbs.  Maybe even 11 with my placenta.  Priorities.

I noticed his eyes.  Holy cow he pulled from the Filipino side!  I joked to myself that I'd have to reassure Matt that he was indeed HIS baby.  I've done that with several of our kids.

Matt left when they took Gideon and I closed my eyes, so exhausted, drifting in and out of "lucidity."  I remember the elevator ride back.  I remember they brought me back to a new room.  I was so tired.  It was just past 3:30AM.

Around 12 they brought Gideon to me.  I was still "loopy."  He nursed a bit.  My gosh he was fat!  So much goodness to kiss.  He was pretty chill.  I was in love.

I called my sister.
"He's here!  And he's perfect!"
We commented on how lucky I was to have 9 healthy babies.  Though her jaw dropped when she found out I had to have a C-section.  Can't be totally lucky, but lucky enough.

They took Gideon back, I rested.  Around 3 Matt came back with Gideon.  He was holding him, playing with the fat on the back of his neck.  We were chatting, I was still a bit loopy, but we really wanted to bring the kids to the hospital to meet their brother.  Matt wanted to shower before he left.

"Let me hold him while you shower" I said.
Matt started to hand him to me, then he stopped.  And stared.

"What are you doing?"
Silence.
Then I saw why Matt didn't answer.  Gideon was dark grey.  His face was dark grey.

"Take him to the nurses!" I yelled.  Well, not really yelled.  I was suddenly frantic.  I think it was actually more of a whisper.  I didn't have to say anything.  Matt was already leaving.

I don't know how long it was, if it was a short time or a long time, but Matt came back.  No Gideon.  Just Matt and my doctor and I think a nurse or 2.

"We have your baby on oxygen.  We think there are some problems with his heart.  And we drew some blood to run some tests.  We think he may have down syndrome."

Matt was sitting on the bed with me.  I had a wash cloth in my hands because ... well, I don't know why.  I just did.  We looked at each other and I lost it.  It hurt so much to cry but I couldn't stop.  I was digging the wash cloth in my eyes and just balling.  Matt was crying. 

I had never felt so helpless or lost or confused in my life.  Heart problems?  Trisomy 21?  Total fear grabbed my chest.  What if I lose him?  I didn't know how bad his heart was.  I know nothing about hearts period.  Except that they beat.  And if they stop, you die.  Was that my baby?

Down syndrome?  I couldn't believe I was hearing that and it was pertaining to my life.  My baby.  My child.  My Gideon.

I needed to see him.  Desperately.

I was put in a wheel chair and we entered the hallway.  The hallway I had been walking just hours before, for hours.  It looked so foreign to me all of a sudden.  They rolled me next to his little bed and gave him to me.  He was bundled up and Matt held the oxygen tube to his nose.  He looked so peaceful.  So perfect.  I started kissing him.  I couldn't stop.  I couldn't kiss him enough.  He was mine, he was ours.  We'd take him just the way he was, we'd raise him with love, in a loving home, just the way he was.  But please Heavenly Father, don't take him from us.  I couldn't stop crying.

"We need to fly him to Spokane."

Could this day get any worse?

"The doctor wants to monitor you though, so you will need to be here until Monday."

Not gonna happen.

I held Gideon, kissed him, cried on him.  I heard helicopter sounds and asked, "is that for him?"
"Yes."

Make it stop!

"We need to take you back to your room so the flight crew and get him ready.  They will bring him to you before they load him up."

I don't remember anything after that.  Just helplessness.  After what seemed like an eternity they wheeled Gideon in.  He was in the capsule thing.  I couldn't touch him. 

Watching them wheel Gideon out was pretty much more than I could bare.  I really don't remember anything at all after that.  Well, I take that back.  I heard the helicopter leave.  I told them to call me when they got there.  I needed to know they landed safely.

Shortly thereafter they did call.  They were at the Sacred Heart nicu.  Matt was going to drive there immediately.  It was around 5 or 6PM on Friday.  The nurses knew I was going to be leaving the next day.  I told them I didn't care what my doctor said.

A few hours later Matt sent me pics from the nicu in Spokane.  He was holding Gideon.  Gideon was sleeping. 

I look back on that day, almost 4 weeks ago, and I see the blessing Matt gave me.  Only this time, it brings so much comfort.  Because now, I see God's hand.  He took care of things in His way.  I actually believe my doctor saved Gideon's life.  Had he went through the birth canal, his compromised heart may not have made it.  My mom wasn't going to come but one morning, woke up feeling like she needed to be here.  Heavenly Father put people in my life in those first days and weeks who literally carried me.  My sister told me how I won the lottery with a down syndrome baby.  Paula comforted, supported and listened to me.  Missy made me laugh.  Kristine lined up people to make dinners for my family.  Patty brought me toiletries and treats.  And so many people prayed.  So many people prayed for my sweet Gideon.

I think one of the biggest ways God showed His hand was simply via Gideon's name.  It means "great warrior."

I think before he came to this Earth, Gideon was a great warrior.  And I think he's going to continue being a great warrior.  As a matter a fact, I know it.

"He came to heal you"

It's 4:20am and I'm at home.  It's been a week now since Gideon was born.  A week since my life has truly changed for ever.  I just pumped 60mls of milk to take to the hospital later on when I go back.  I'll be there all week long.  I still won't want any visitors.

It's interesting to me.  Before he was born, we had 3 names we liked for our baby boy.  Soren, William, and Gideon.  We didn't know which but felt like we would as soon as he was born.  As soon as he was born, we knew.  Gideon.  A few days ago I re-read the stories of Gideon in the Book of Mormon.  He was named perfectly.

I wanted to write about the weeks and months leading up to Gideon's birth.  Because that's what's most heavy on my mind.  I will write about his delivery and finding out about his diagnosis later.  This just seems more pressing.

I believe satan knows more about us than we realize.  We moved from VA to ID last year.  December 2014.  We had a 6 week window to make that move.  It was stressful and I remember one day being so overwhelmed with everything I had fallen into the fetal position in the little boys' bedroom and just cried.  It was one of those "desperate, let it all out cries" but I felt better afterwards.  At that same time, I also found out that my college boyfriend turned fiancé who I broke up with just to serve a mission had died.  For the first time in my life my heart broke.  I cried so much. 

We made the trip, everything fell into place, and our new home proved awesome.  A few months later I had back to back miscarriages.  Then I got pregnant and 2 weeks later blew my knee out playing basketball.  It was the 2nd day of summer when I did this.  I was couch bound for several weeks then limped around for the rest of the summer.  The kids were awesome.  They totally upped their games and took on a lot of the responsibilities themselves. 

I've always prided myself on not really struggling with depression and being in control.  I do give the credit to exercise.  There is absolutely nothing that a good little run can't take care of when I'm feeling overwhelmed or down.  I love sports and working out.  It's a huge reason why I am so supportive of my kids playing sports and being active.  It'll serve them their entire lives.

I normally work out and play sports throughout my pregnancies.  My theory is, "if they say listening to Mozart or reading to your growing belly helps make your child smarter, then playing sports and working out will make your child an athlete."  ;)  Just another bonus to staying active whilst pregnant in my opinion.

This go around, I couldn't.  As soon as I healed enough to start working out, SOMETHING got in the way.  Sick kids so no gym, fall turned into winter and holy cow, the winters here are nothing like my mild ones back in VA.  I couldn't take the little ones out much at all for walks.  And talk about GRAY!  The entire month of January was seriously ALL GRAY.  Welcome to ID I guess?

What I didn't see coming was how this all was affecting me.  I found myself irritable, impatient and scatterbrained more than usual.  And that was when satan went in for the strike.

I started questioning and doubting so much.  I'd randomly write on pieces of paper, "what's happening to me?"  I even started wondering if I had made the right decision 20 plus years ago to break up with Dirk to serve a mission.  I found myself questioning so much about the church.  Yes, I have a testimony of Joseph Smith seeing Heavenly Father and Jesus, thus being called as a prophet in these latter day and yes, I have a testimony of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, but other things started bothering me about the church.  And it truly scared me.  And when I prayed or read scriptures looking for answers, the heavens just felt so closed off to me.  Nothing.

It even got to the point that I REALLY began to question my worth as a mother.  Even my role as a wife.  It just really sucked that I was 42, living in a 1600 square foot home with kids who, like lemmings, were feeling the squeeze and taking it out on each other.  Bickering over stupid things, being ungrateful, demanding things I would have NEVER even THOUGHT to ask for as a child.  It got to the point that I remember thinking, "have I been brainwashed as a Mormon into thinking that motherhood is all that it's cracked up to be?"  I started to really feel like I was wasting my time and being a wife and mother was really, for the birds.

I pleaded so much with my Heavenly Father to ease my thoughts, to bless me with comfort, to really take me out of my thoughts.  And nothing.  Matt gave me blessing after blessing.  Still nothing.

And then Gideon was born.

And all of a sudden it became so clear to me why satan was attacking me so much.  I simply did not know that I was carrying a spirit so elite, so valiant in the pre-existence, that not only did he not need to be tested in the mortal life, but that his only mission here on Earth would be to bring out the best and Christ-like attributes in those who he came into contact with. 

As I held Gideon in my arms during this week, I would feel so many times my dependency on him.  I need him.  My spirit needs him.  I think he took me by the hand many times in the pre-life and gave me strength then.  I am confident he did that with Matt and his siblings, too.  I feel such a bond with him now, as if we've finally been reunited and our relationship we had in the pre-life would "pick up where we left off."  And that was a lot of his picking my hand up and guiding me. 

Now more than ever has my role of mother been strengthened.  It's not brainwashing.  It's what Heavenly Father wants me to do, what He needs me to do.  Coming home after a week away from the kids, I see so clearly how much these sweet spirits of mine need me and how much I need them.  Gideon reminded me of this.  satan would have me turn my back or give up on this role of mine, not that I'd "physically walk away" but easily mentally or emotionally walk away.  I have struggled for YEARS with such negative feelings towards my MIL.  Gone.  Gideon took those away from me. 

Matt told me the other day, as I shared these feelings with him, "I think Gideon came to heal you." 

Matt's right.  As I hold Gideon in the hospital, surrounded by tubes and cords and machines, I feel broken.  I feel so helpless, so desperate to fix his heart and lungs, so ... helpless.  And because of these feelings, these broken feelings, I feel changed.  Softened.  Holding on to negative things just suddenly didn't seem so important.  Feeling his warm body next to mine, looking at his perfect little face, kissing that "extra fat" around his neck,  kissing his chest to somehow give strength to his heart, taking his little hand and running it down my face.  My desire, my NEED to be his Earthly mother has changed me.  I want NOTHING MORE than to be a mom, to be a better mom than I ever have been.  Not just to him but to his siblings.  My gratitude to the Gospel, to being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has skyrocketed.  My doubts towards the church I recognize as simply my own pride and shortcomings and these are things I can let go of. 

As much as Gideon needs me right now ... it has zero comparison to how much I need him.

In the pre-life, his spirit was stronger than mine, more valiant than mine.  I know he helped me and strengthened me a lot before this Earth life.  I came to Earth needing to prove myself.  He came to Earth not needing to prove himself.  He did come, as Matt so lovingly put it, to heal me.  I just hope and pray and plead to my Heavenly Father that I get to have him on Earth for a long time.